


You're the Only One I Trust

by akh, TerryMcKay



Category: Summer of Rockets
Genre: F/M, and we are not sorry, we are obsessed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2020-01-23 14:10:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 49,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18551371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akh/pseuds/akh, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerryMcKay/pseuds/TerryMcKay
Summary: Kathleen can't get Samuel out of her mind and decides to take matters into her own hands.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, @akh and I both were lucky enough to be able to watch the first episode of "Summer of Rockets". This in combination with the latest trailer triggered an obsession of the two characters Kathleen Shaw and Samuel Petrukhin. Their chemistry was simply irresistible and here we are with a fic before the first episode even aired. This might be a new record.

 

Samuel Petrukhin. The name and the man behind the name had been floating around Kathleen’s mind for the better part of the last three days. He had come around for a garden party earlier that week and all she had been able to think about since had been him and the conversation she had had with him. 

 

Even before that party, she had found him increasingly fascinating. To Kathleen, he was like an enigma waiting to be solved. All she wanted to do was to spend hours and just talk to him, forget about the world around her, about her husband's mental instability and all the burdens and the responsibilities she carried around when she was “the wife of Richard Shaw MP” and “the perfect hostess”. She didn't know why but somehow Samuel had the ability to make her forget about all of that and just take her in his world with his sharp mind and his enthusiasm for his work. 

 

She was well aware that the time she had spent with him on that afternoon, away from the crowd, talking about his work, had been almost too long to be deemed appropriate. Part of her had been aware of it even at the time. She knew Aunt Mary's eyes and ears, especially now with her new hearing aid, were everywhere. She knew it might have been interpreted completely the wrong way when she had spent longer with Samuel Petrukhin than with any of the other guests. It was simply not done and had almost been improper. And yet another part of her didn't even want to care. For once, she didn't feel she had to play the role that was forced on her, which she had perfected over the years she had been married to her husband. She liked organising parties, being responsible and being the one in the background with the power. But Mr Petrukhin had brought up a side in her she had nearly forgotten. The curious side, the one who always tried to dig deeper and who kept on asking questions, the side who wanted to help and needed deep conversations rather than just simple chatter. It was that side, she told herself, that needed to find an excuse to talk to him again, to be able to spend more time solving the riddle that was him and the effect he had on her.

 

It was still early in the day and she needed to run some last-minute errands for another important party later that week. Since she needed to go to town anyway, she decided she might as well check in on him at work whilst doing so. The thought of seeing him again so soon excited her in a way that made her almost giddy. She didn't only want to see him again, she needed to see him again. Her driver would be ready any minute now as well, she mused. So Kathleen took her coat, checked herself in the mirror again before grabbing her purse and then headed out of the door. 

 

The minute she had stepped into her car and her driver had asked her where they'd go, all thoughts of having to arrange a party and running errands because it had slipped her mind completely. The only person she had on her mind was Mr Petrukhin. 

 

“Mr Pethrukhin's office, please,” she said without giving it a second thought and only bit her tongue after she had already spoken the words, remembering too late that she had meant to pay the visit only after all her other tasks had been completed. It was too late to take it back now, though, Kathleen reasoned, or her behaviour would only seem more suspicious. Instead, she simply sat back and let her driver do as he had been told.

 

During the journey to town, Kathleen’s anticipation seemed to be growing by the second. She absolutely could not wait to see Mr Petrukhin and talk to him again. The purse in her hand was almost crumpled by the sheer force with which it was held by its owner. Kathleen was simply unable to get enough of this feeling, of being appreciated for who she was, for being able to talk and just be herself.

 

No sooner had she arrived and bid farewell to her driver, did she start making her way up to his office. Only on her way up, did it occur to her that he might not even be in.

 

She thought briefly of turning back, the long list of errands returning to her mind once again as she thought of all the orders that needed to be made and the dress that still needed to be fitted for the party, but then something else seemed to be pulling her towards Mr Petrukhin’s office that made all those other things feel menial in comparison. What were dresses or linen or embroidery to her if the alternative was a stimulating conversation with a man on the brink of a great new invention? The thought was somewhat unsettling, but before Kathleen could make up her mind or even think about it further, she heard footsteps approaching her from behind.

 

“May I be of assistance Mrs…” his familiar voice started and then paused when she spun around to face him. “Mrs Shaw!” A smile spread across his face as their eyes met over the stairs and Kathleen felt a sudden flutter in her stomach as she saw him approach.

 

“Mr Petrukhin,” she greeted him with an equal if a bit a flustered smile.

 

He continued to walk towards her until they were fully facing each other. “To what do I owe this pleasure?” he asked, scanning Kathleen briefly from head to toe with an appreciative look that made her wish she had checked her pocket mirror again before entering the building.

 

“I hope it truly is a pleasure and I’m not intruding,” she replied, hoping she was not blushing. “I was running some errands and found myself near this place. I thought I would take you up on the offer of showing me the makings of the staff locator and some of your other inventions. But now I do realise that I should have called beforehand. I don’t even know if you have time. I am sorry.” 

 

She felt like a fool. Their previous conversation and the hope to pick up where they had left off had made her feel reckless. Of course, she should have called, she chastised herself. Before she could continue thinking of ways how to get out of this, quite frankly, embarrassing situation, he took her out of her misery by merely smiling at her.

 

“Oh, that’s perfectly alright,” he reassured her and put out his hand, which she gladly took, her nerves somewhat appeased by the gesture. “In fact, I am glad you came. There was one thing I wanted to show you indeed.”

 

He had now walked past her to unlock his office door, before offering for her to enter first. Their eyes met again briefly before she smiled at him, lowered her gaze and entered the room. No, he didn’t seem to be annoyed the least bit, she contemplated relieved. On the contrary, there was a gleam in his eye. Could that be excitement? 

 

“I couldn’t help but think of your remarks the other day about the staff locator. I sat over the idea all night after the party and then set to work. It’s still a rough draft,” he disclosed whilst walking to his desk and urging her to follow him. She walked after him, if a little shy at first, wondering which part of their conversation could have triggered him. “... it does need a little tweak here and there but look!” 

 

Mr Petrukhin now pointed at a plan on his desk. Kathleen had to step closer to him to actually see what he showed her. Much closer in fact. It was so close that their arms nearly touched, which didn’t help with the flutter in her stomach at all. On the contrary, the proximity to him only increased the feeling. Under different circumstances, she would never stand as close to another man other than her husband, but there was something oddly reassuring and safe about Mr Petrukhin. She sometimes missed that feeling in her husband. He hadn’t been her pillar of strength in a long time. For many years now, it had always been her who had been the one to provide safety and security. Of course, it wasn’t as if Mr Petrukhin was her pillar of strength now. She knew she shouldn’t even entertain that idea because it simply was not her place to do so. That was still his wife's prerogative. But a small part of her couldn’t help but briefly bask in that feeling of not having everything rest on her own shoulders. Pushing those thoughts to the back of her mind, at last, she then tried to give her undivided attention to the plan on the desk in front and on his words accompanying it.

 

“The one big flaw the staff locator still has is that the sender won’t know if his request has been received, as you correctly noted,” he continued and had a quick look at her. She didn’t dare look at him, not from that up close. Instead, she kept her focus on the paper. “I may have found a way for the sender to receive confirmation via a short beeping sound, which is altered as to not confuse it with the sound of someone requesting assistance.”

 

He kept on explaining the details of the idea and how he would be able to realize it. The more he spoke the more passionate he became. He took pleasure in explaining the workings of it all to her and he did it in a way that a layman like her understood him perfectly well. Before long, they had both sat down at the small table in his office with the plan, working out her idea even further. 

 

A few drinks and a couple of hours later they had nearly perfected his first draft and clinked their glasses together in celebration of the result they had reached.

 

As Samuel put his glass down after taking a sip, his eyes were drawn to Kathleen who still nursed her drink in her hand, apparently lost in thought. He had noted already on their first meeting that she was an extraordinarily beautiful woman, a perfect combination of studied elegance and natural beauty, but beyond that, she had proven herself to be bright and engaging and seemed to be able to follow his ramblings with an ease that he sometimes wished other people in his life shared. A woman after his own heart.

 

“I hope I have not bored you with all this talk of shop,” he said after the brief silence that had suddenly fallen between them for the first time in almost two hours. “I know I tend to get overly excited about my work and can easily get carried away if someone gives me even half a word of encouragement. My wife has learned to simply tell me to shut up.”

 

Kathleen could feel her cheeks grow warm but she couldn’t tell whether it was the drink, the look in Mr Petrukhin’s eyes as he spoke, or the mention of his wife that brought it on. She did, however, know with a sudden sense of alarm that she must have already stayed far too long. She had finished none of her errands and felt herself in no fit state to start on any of them now.

 

“Oh, you have not bored me, Mr Petrukhin,” she replied, getting up and suddenly feeling the effects of her drink more keenly than she had while sitting down. She sought his arm to steady her and then took a step back as soon as she had regained her balance, shaking her head at herself. “Oh look at me,“ she tried to cover her misstep with a smile she had learned to put on at all times. “Tipsy in the middle of the afternoon. What you must think of me.” She adjusted her dress and tried to stand as straight as she could. Day drinking had never been a habit of hers.

 

“I think,” he replied, smiling and looking at her for a moment and then stepping forward to escort her out, “that you should call me Samuel. You have been a most extraordinary help to me this afternoon and I would like to think we can consider each other friends now.”

 

“Well, in that case, Samuel, you must call me Kathleen,” she joined in and smiled at him, feeling relieved. He looked at her, genuinely pleased. Yet for the fragment of a second, she thought there was more to his glance than mere gladness. However, she didn’t dare delve deeper into the possible meaning of it. Still, she had a hard time breaking eye contact. For that short moment, she once again forgot what her task at hand was and that she was treading on thin ice and highly inappropriate territory. Eventually, she cleared her throat and broke eye contact to pick up her purse. 

 

“Kathleen,” he seemed to be testing the sound of her name. His look still penetrated her. She liked the sound of her name coming out of his mouth. She liked it a lot, in fact.

 

“I really must go, I’m afraid. As it seems, time eludes me,” she apologised. Thankfully, she had found her footing again and opted for the door. Before stepping out, she turned around again to shake hands with Samuel and to look at him one more time. He beamed at her once more as he took her hand, and the warmth it oozed felt so safe and comforting that she was truly sorry to leave. She wasn’t sure if she should be ashamed of herself that she would rather spend another few hours planning inventions with the man in front of her than to go home and have dinner with some of her husband’s colleagues and her family. 

 

“I will go to further test the staff locator at another hospital tomorrow. And I was wondering if you would do me the honour of accompanying me? I am perfectly aware it is rather short notice, and ….,” Samuel began awkwardly, but was interrupted by Kathleen’s quick promise to do so. She had no idea what had come over her. She had more than enough to do as it was. Yet, her rather impulsive reply was a true admission of what she wanted. Somehow she would manage it all, she told herself.

 

“Wonderful! I guess I will see you tomorrow. Shall I pick you up around noon?” 

 

Kathleen smiled. “Noon is perfect,” she replied. If she got up early, she might have time to complete some of her errands before noon and yet she would also still have time to finish her tasks later that same day if need be. It would work out perfectly and she would have to compromise none of her duties.

 

“I look forward to seeing you.” For a moment Samuel looked as if he intended to bring Kathleen’s hand gallantly to his lips but he seemed to think better of it, opting to simply nod his head instead as he let go of her hand. “Good evening, Kathleen.”

 

Kathleen returned his nod, feeling a tingling on her skin where their hands had touched. “Good evening Mr Petr...Samuel,” she corrected herself, then flashed one last smile in his direction before slipping out of the room as quickly as she could. She made her way out into the street with her heart pounding and her head reeling, found her car and driver waiting and climbed in the vehicle feeling more than a little unsettled - not least by the fact that at least one person knew she had been in Mr Petrukhin’s place of business this whole time.

 

“Home, ma’am?” the driver asked, his face giving away no sign of either curiosity or disapproval.

 

“Yes, please,” Kathleen replied, trying to sound cooler and more collected than she felt. “Thank you, Henry.” She glanced at him through the rearview mirror but, ever the professional, Henry kept his eyes firmly on the road and Kathleen let out the breath she had been holding. If she could trust anyone to keep her secret, it would be the one man outside of her family who knew her husband’s secret and had kept quiet about it for years.

 

Not that she had a secret, of course, Kathleen reminded herself. She had done nothing wrong except lost track of time. And yet, she thought as she looked out of the car window and watched the scenery changing from houses to trees as they drew closer to home, she didn’t like the idea of either her husband or Aunt Mary knowing where she had spent her time. She would have to think of an excuse if either of them asked.

 

By the time the car pulled up in front of her home, Kathleen felt reasonably calm and self-assured. Before stepping out of the car, she sprinkled fresh perfume on herself to cover the smell of the drink and then let Henry open the door for her. She crossed the patio with brisk steps and only fumbled a little by the door as she tried to let herself in without drawing attention to her arrival by having the butler open it for her.

 

She made it in without apparent notice but as she made her way upstairs to her bedroom, she found her husband there waiting, half dressed for dinner already.

 

“Kath?” he spoke, immediately walking up to her, looking concerned. “Where have you been?”

 

Kathleen started to take a step back but realised it would get her nowhere. She stood still and let Richard approach. “I lost track of time,” she replied evasively as Richard lifted his hand to caress her cheek.

 

“I was worried,” he said, leaning in as if intending to kiss her. “I thought you would be home much sooner.”

 

Kathleen smiled weakly. He leaned in closer still and then suddenly pulled back.

 

“Have you been drinking?”

 

“I met...Maud, you remember Maud?” Kathleen lied quickly, thinking of her old school friend whom Richard couldn’t possibly remember nor be able to recognize in a crowd. “You know I haven’t seen her in ever such a long time and I ran into her today and she asked me to join her for a sherry.” The words tumbled out of her mouth as her heart was pounding. “I felt I could not say no. I’m sorry it made me so late.”

 

Richard looked at her for a moment and then rubbed her cheek with his thumb, his lips curving into a smile. “No harm done, love,” he said. “But perhaps you should change to an evening dress and not stand too close to the guests when they arrive. Or should I simply tell them you are indisposed?”

 

Kathleen let out a breath. As little as she wished to join the dinner, she knew she could not leave her husband in charge of it alone.

 

“No, darling,” she replied, sidestepping her way out of Richard’s caress as she forced a smile. “I will get changed and be down in a moment. I’m perfectly fine.”

 

She was far from fine though. She couldn’t remember the last time she had had such an inner turmoil. So far, everything had always seemed perfectly clear: her marriage, her role as a wife and as the protector of her husband’s secret, her role as a daughter-in-law and as a hostess. One man had turned all of that upside down and had made her question her entire existence by just having a conversation with her that went beyond the usual “how are yous” and the mindless chatter. At the moment she had no idea how to reign in this inner turbulence either. In fact, she didn’t know if she wanted to. 

 

Her husband didn’t notice any of this. He had no reason to distrust her. As long as they had known each other, their roles had always been clear. That also implied utter honesty from both parties. Kathleen knew that. It had been almost too easy to fool him, but this only added to the feeling inside.

 

“Are you coming soon, darling?” he questioned, already waiting by the door. “The guests will be here any minute.”

 

“ I told you I will get changed and then I'll be right down .” With that, she tried to force the past few hours out of her head. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day, Kathleen accompanies Samuel to his engagement at the hospital. But things take a drastic turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the second chapter of our AU. We still hope we at least get a release date sooner rather than later. The anticipation is killing us.

 

It was surprising how much work one could get accomplished in a relatively short time frame if need be. There was definitely a need for Kathleen to be finished on time. She didn’t want to be late. In fact, she wanted to have enough time to actually be able to freshen up. The other reason was that she wanted to keep this little rendezvous with Samuel to herself for as long as she could. It was her little secret now and she didn’t want anyone or anything to spoil it. That's why it was crucial to be finished on time. Nobody would suspect anything out of the ordinary as long as she still fulfilled her duties as a politician’s wife and hostess. 

 

The fitting at the dressmaker, too, had been just long enough to still be polite, but short enough to still save time for later. For a second Madame Malkins had looked at her rather oddly when Kathleen had not wanted yet another fitting for a perfect new dress she had just gotten that morning, but Kathleen had excused her behaviour by explaining she was rather busy this week. That had consoled the rather stout woman with the kind face.

 

“Of course, Mrs. Shaw. I perfectly understand. Well, when you come in the next time, I do hope you have more time on your hands since I was promised a fantastic gown from Paris that should arrive soon,” she had emphasised and smiled at her. “I’m sure it would look stunning on you, Mrs Shaw.” 

 

Kathleen had promised to come and try it on, without giving it a second thought as her mind had already drifted to the engagement she would have later with Samuel. 

 

All morning, in fact, he had weaved his way into almost every thought she had, whether it was with the caterer or now with her dressmaker, and just as vigorously she tried to ignore every thought of him. Now was not the time. If she didn’t know better, it was almost as if she was a schoolgirl nursing a crush on a handsome tutor or a head boy. But that surely couldn’t be it. She dismissed the thought instantly. It was absurd. She was married and so was he and that was the end of it. With a nod of her head, she pushed the thought aside and instead agreed to whatever Madame Malkins had just said and then quickly bid her goodbye and left the shop.

 

“Where to now, ma’am,” Henry, her driver, asked while he crumpled up the packaging of the sandwich he had just finished. 

 

“Back home and thank you, Henry,” she replied with a small smile to her driver. 

 

“Just doing my job, ma’am”, came the response of the ever so professional driver.

Kathleen felt accomplished. She had actually managed to do everything she had wanted, with more time to spare than she had anticipated, and on top of all her tasks being done, there would be nobody waiting for her at home right now. Her husband was at the Parliament and Aunt Mary had been invited to lunch at Sir Fulton’s estate. In short, everything seemed to go like clockwork today. It was almost too perfect, Kathleen contemplated for a fragment of a second. 

 

Soon enough, they pulled up in front of her house and with a crunching sound, the car stopped on the gravel, which always alerted her butler who now, like always, came out almost instantly to help. Kathleen gave him brief instructions for what to do with the shopping she had brought from town and then proceeded quickly inside. Without pausing, she made her way upstairs to her bedroom and then closed the door behind her, happy to be alone for the brief time she still had before Samuel could be expected to arrive.

 

She sat down on her bed for a moment and surveyed the room around her, trying to anchor her thoughts in the familiar surroundings, but for the first time in her married life, she suddenly felt like a stranger in her own home, wondering when this life of parties and dinners and secrets had become the only life she knew. She had married a man full of promise and ideas: a young, handsome man with not only ambitious aspirations but also the abilities to carry them out. They had been in love and she had been happy to be his wife and partner in everything, but then he had gone away to war and their lives had never been the same again.

 

Kathleen sighed, looking over to the other side of the bed that now often remained empty. Oh, he still loved her, she knew, and she was sure she still loved him, but they had not been partners for years. Not really. The war and what it had done to Richard’s mind had taken care of that. Sometimes she regretted that. But there usually wasn’t time for it. 

 

The chime of the clock downstairs brought her out of her reverie. She needed to get a move on. The last thing she wanted was to let Samuel wait. She got up and went to her wardrobe, already having an idea for what to wear. The blue dress would be it. She liked it, it was new and she felt it looked pretty on her, but without the semblance of her dressing up for him. It was subdued and classy. She let the gown glide over her body, fastened the zipper and sat down in front of her vanity. 

 

Was she actually dressing up for him? She was. As shocking as she should find that idea, she didn’t. It was only normal to dress up for certain occasions and this certainly was one of them, she reminded herself as she attempted to play down the nervous energy she felt at the thought of getting ready for what almost seemed like a date.

 

Now that she thought about it, she didn’t really remember the last time she had purposely dressed up for her husband. Sure, dinner parties, soirées, garden parties and other outings were occasions when she always needed to dress up, but it had been for the occasion and not for her husband per se. There was something different about Samuel. It wasn´t just the conversations she could have with him, but also that with him she felt appreciated for who she was rather than just for the role of the perfect hostess that she now felt she wanted to break out of. Her husband had started relying on her skills in that role so much that she now had the feeling he might have forgotten she was still first and foremost a person of flesh and blood who also had her own needs.

 

The other thing she had noticed about Samuel was the way he made her feel. She was her own person with him, yes, but also she felt actually seen. There was something in his eyes when he looked at her that gave her that feeling of the schoolgirl with a crush, something that made her want to dress up and look extra pretty because she knew the effort would be noticed. Of course, her husband did also tell her she looked lovely in this dress or that outfit, but it had rather become a saying, a matter of routine. There was no substance behind it. She never felt pretty when he gave her that compliment because it was always so lightly given. Perhaps she was being overly sceptical and unjust towards her husband, Kathleen thought. She probably was, but it didn’t change the feeling she had or lack thereof. 

 

After one last finishing touch with her rouge brush, she had another look at herself in the mirror. Yes, that should do it. She liked the outcome. Before she could start second-guessing, a sudden knock on the door brought her preparations to a quick end. Surely it couldn't be that late. The hands on her wristwatch told her otherwise, she noted a little horrified and went to answer the door.

 

“Excuse me, Ma’am, Mr Petrukhin is here to see you,” her butler informed her while peeping in through the opening.

 

“Yes, thank you, Wadsworth,” Kathleen replied, not even thinking of letting Samuel wait. The urge to run down the stairs was almost too great, but her upbringing had taught her otherwise and she reigned in any impulse of that kind. This, however, could not stop her from walking down the stairs just a tad faster than she would have done if it had been anyone else. 

 

“Samuel, I am so sorry to keep you waiting,” she couldn't help but feel just a little guilty at the fact that he stood in the hall waiting for her, a little unsure of what to do. He resembled someone at Paddington station waiting for the train. The moment she had finally reached him, she took his outstretched hand and once again that tingling sensation she got every time they touched, almost made her crave for more. She didn’t want to let him go. But she did, reluctantly so. His smile and his apparent delight at seeing her gave the flutter in her stomach another jolt. Suddenly she wasn’t sure how she would be able to spend the afternoon with him and not make a fool of herself. The proximity of sitting next to him in the car wouldn’t exactly help matters either. But they were friends and nothing more. It would all be fine, she tried telling herself.

 

The ride to the hospital was a relatively quiet one. For the most part, they did not talk much, but he did explain to her the plans for the staff locator at the hospital, what it could mean for the staff and the patients and how he absolutely could not wait to reveal the improved version of it, with her idea in it. But even while Samuel talked and smiled at Kathleen, excited to have company who was interested in his ramblings, she could not help but notice that he kept glancing into the rear-view mirror far more frequently than she would have thought necessary. Besides, every time his eyes moved to the mirror, he seemed to grow more and more anxious by whatever it was that he saw there. 

 

“Is anything the matter?” Kathleen asked, at last, growing increasingly worried by his odd behaviour. She looked at him quizzically.

 

“What?... Oh, yes, of course. I am sorry for being distracted. My mind must be at the meeting. I will be better company in a minute, I promise,” he smiled at her. This time, though, the smile didn’t reach his beautiful blue eyes. Kathleen could see there was something not quite right, but she chose to trust him for the time being. Something told her that as long as she was with him, there was no need for her to worry.

 

Whatever it was that had worried him, however, seemed to dissipate the minute they arrived at the hospital. He clearly thrived with nervous energy and passion for his work. It was mesmerising to watch him explain his invention, to turn around those doubting heads and persuade even the most critical among his listeners of the brilliance of his idea. She could see how slowly but surely every single one of those people who at the beginning had seemed to almost look down on him, ended up being infected with his enthusiasm for his project.

 

What she also couldn't help but notice was how some of the nurses kept eyeing him with great interest, clearly pleased by the sight he presented to them. She smiled at them all at first but as her eyes followed theirs to the object of their admiration, she wondered if she herself looked any less enthralled by Mr Petrukhin. He did not have the fine, almost aristocratic features of her husband, but he had a very different sort of charisma that made it almost impossible to look anywhere else when he was in the room. Simply watching his enthusiastic presentation, followed by the successful test, was engaging enough for her but ever so often his eyes would find Kathleen in the crowd and give her a nod or a knowing look, and she would feel like the luckiest girl in the room for having his attention among all those who craved it. 

 

After the official part of the presentation was over, Kathleen stood back and waited for Samuel to talk to a few of the doctors and consultants in person, fully expecting that her interference would not be wanted, but to her surprise, he soon motioned for her to join the group of men. As she approached them, she could hear him explaining enthusiastically how he owed the idea of the improvement entirely to Mrs Shaw.

 

“Oh, it was nothing,” she replied as she joined the men, blushing with pleasure as she was pulled into the conversation.

 

“She is far too modest,” Samuel countered. “If she wasn’t a busy wife of our esteemed MP, I would hire her as my assistant immediately.”

 

Kathleen’s blush deepened but she said nothing in return. The conversation then meandered on for some time and after her initial uncertainty, Kathleen found herself slowly starting to participate in it with increasing ease, enjoying the possibility of hearing more about the practical applications of the staff locator in a working hospital. The more she heard, the more convinced she became of the importance of Samuel’s invention and the more proud she felt for having had even a small part in making it even better.

 

By the time the afternoon rolled around, Samuel had become just as enthralled by Kathleen’s eloquence and enthusiasm for his project. He had thought highly of her before, but observing her, watching her and seeing how she seemed to be in her element, he couldn’t help but be fascinated by her. Without even knowing it herself, she had a knack for wrapping everyone around her little finger. Owing to her contribution, as well as his own work, he now had yet another order in his bag, and quite a big one, too. 

 

Slowly but surely, people began trickling out in different directions and Kathleen assumed it was also their cue to leave. Luckily, there was nothing on her agenda tonight. Neither her husband nor anyone else would be in or expected to be for that matter. She tried to make eye contact with Samuel, wondering if he felt the same way about it as she did, that they didn’t yet need to part. As if he had read her mind, he looked at her the moment she did. He looked content and she couldn’t help but smile at him. 

 

“I think it is finally time to leave, we don’t want to keep the staff from their work any longer than necessary,” he mumbled quietly so that only Kathleen could hear him. She nodded. That was his cue to exchange some final words with the consultants while he packed away his equipment. Then he looked at Kathleen once again and gave her a short nod. She as well bid goodbye to the staff and thanked them for the time they had so graciously given them. 

 

The strange behaviour that Samuel had exhibited earlier had almost escaped her mind when they had entered the conference room. Now that they were leaving, however, he seemed to become oddly tense once more. Even more so than before. In fact, this time he didn’t even attempt to hide his concern. Kathleen followed the look over his shoulder and finally saw the reason for his alarm: four men, dressed in dark clothing, wearing grave faces, were stood at the other end of the room. There was no need for Samuel to tell her they needed to get away as quickly as possible. Something told her those men were not to be trifled with. She turned her head once again and looked at Samuel who slowly kept his pace towards the exit. Worry, but also a tinge of anger played across his face. Trying to maintain a low profile, she had yet another peek at the men. They had slowly started following her and Samuel. 

 

Without any forewarning, Samuel put his hand on the small of her back and implored for her to start running to his car. Kathleen’s mind was filled with questions, but she judged it best to follow Samuel’s lead for now and save those questions for later. She could feel his hand still lingering on her back as they hastily made their way through the endlessly long hospital corridors, but there was no time to process it for the moment. The men, though not overtly running after them, seemed to be following them with steps just as brisk as their own, and as they made it to Samuel’s car, Kathleen could see them all clambering into a black vehicle, parked on the side of the road not far off.

 

“Who are those men?” Kathleen turned to ask Samuel as soon as the car was running.

 

“Not yet, please,” Samuel replied, stepping on the gas pedal. They took off at an almost alarming speed but when Kathleen looked back through the rear window, she could see the other car was ready for the chase.

 

“What do they want?” she couldn’t help asking, despite Samuel’s plea to wait. Her heart was now pounding in her chest for a very different reason than it had earlier.

 

Samuel took his eyes briefly off the road to glance at Kathleen. He looked focused but not angry for being disrupted.

 

“I think they want me,” he replied, turning his eyes back on the road and increasing the speed of his car as they drove into a curve. As Kathleen looked behind, she was relieved to find that the other car did not appear to be gaining on them. On the contrary, she believed their chasers were now a little further back.

 

“But why?” she asked as she turned back to face the front again.

 

“I’m afraid it will require some explaining,” Samuel replied, his eyes darting briefly to Kathleen again. “But we would need to find somewhere safe to stop first.”

 

Kathleen nodded, looking down at her hands over her purse. There was one solution she could think of.

 

“I could take you home,” Samuel continued before Kathleen could speak up. “They would follow us there but then they would follow me out again. You would be safe.” He looked at Kathleen again. “I want you to be safe.”

 

“Believe me I want to be safe, too,” Kathleen retorted, still mulling over the idea she had had. At last, she decided to simply put the offer on the table: “I might have another solution,” she began after a brief pause. “There is a cottage, you see, not very far from here. My uncle left it to me years ago but it has been quite abandoned ever since. The road that leads there is in poor condition but if you manage to make the turn for it without anyone seeing you do it, I do not think anyone would think to go look there.” She spoke quickly and only paused to look at Samuel once she was finished.

 

He was silent for a moment as he focused on making a quick turn and then looked back at Kathleen.

 

“A cottage, you say?” he asked. “And not far from here?”

 

Kathleen nodded. 

 

“Lead the way,” he said after weighing the pros and cons of possibly dragging her into his mess. It was the quickest way to get away after all and the quicker it happened, the sooner she would be safe, at least for the moment. She had nothing to do with any of this after all. 

 

Kathleen hadn’t been to the cottage in years. In fact, she had last been there shortly after she had married her husband. The whole property had been almost completely neglected ever since that visit and it would need time and effort to be made truly habitable again, but it did at least have its basic layout intact. There should also be running water and Kathleen hoped that the electricity that it had been fitted with years ago would still be operational. 

 

The way to their little hideout was rather difficult to manage by car, as the area was really rather unkempt and the road was in a worse condition than she had expected. Conditions were only made even more difficult with the rain that now had settled in. But they did make it, eventually, even though Kathleen was sure she would have a bruise by morning from the jolting of the car on the road. At least there was no sign that the men had managed to follow them there, she noted relieved. 

 

“I think we’ve lost them,” she broke the silence that had settled on them, unable to hide her relief. “Just drive around there, we can park the car behind the house. They won’t see it from the road.”

 

Samuel did what she suggested, with Kathleen still on the lookout, almost paranoid at this point that those men, whoever they were, might have caught up with them after all. At least, for now, it seemed as if she and Samuel prevailed. 

 

When Samuel had parked his car, at last, she slowly got out and looked around. Even the light rain couldn’t stop from taking it all in for a second. It really had been a long time since she had been here last. She wondered if the spare key was still where she had hidden it all those years ago. She dearly hoped so. Otherwise, they would have to break into her own house. Slowly, yet deliberately she walked up to one of the two lion statues. One of them had a notch, barely visible, but if you knew it was there you couldn’t ever unsee it. If she was lucky, the key should be there. A triumphant smile appeared on her face when she felt the cold metal with her fingers. 

 

Meanwhile, Samuel had hung back a little uncertain and still a little tense, waiting for some sign of Kathleen. When he saw her triumphant little smile, he couldn’t help but feel his stomach doing a funny little tumble, which he chose to ignore. Finally, the wooden door creaked as Kathleen turned the key in the lock and pushed it open. Samuel followed her when his companion gave him a sign with her head to follow him. Cautiously, almost tentatively, they stepped over the threshold and were welcomed by a wall of darkness. Kathleen, however, seemed to know her way around the house without any apparent need for light. He closed the door behind them and followed her down the dark corridor, lead by only the sound of her steps and the scent of her perfume until she had apparently found the light switch and continued to open the blinds.

 

“I am afraid there isn’t much. There isn’t even a couch,” she excused the look of the room. She wasn’t sure why, but suddenly she had become a little shy. It might have been because the house was very close to her heart and she hadn’t really shared it with anyone but her husband before. And he had never quite understood her affection for this old house. But it might also have been because this was the bedroom that she had lead them into. It was closest to the entrance and the one room that was the most secluded of them all, and that was all there was to it. It was ridiculous to assume anything inappropriate. They were simply friends, after all. But still, the idea of her in a room that was only furnished with a bed, a cupboard and a carpet, with a man who wasn’t her husband, felt almost improper.

 

“It’s perfect,” Samuel replied and let his eyes roam around the room. It was a cosy little room, yet Kathleen couldn’t help but blush ever so slightly when she saw his eyes on the bed in the corner. “This is a nice little hideout until we can be sure they are gone.” 

 

All the questions that had been shooting around Kathleen’s mind like tennis balls came back to her now that they were safe and she had adjusted to the idea of being here with him. She could no longer wait for an explanation. “What do those men want from you?” 

 

Samuel knew there was no way around it now. It would be dishonest to gloss over the truth. In fact, he didn’t want to lie to her. But he knew just as well that telling the truth would be painful and might destroy what they had built up; that tentative, yet seemingly strong friendship. He valued her company more each day. He didn’t just ask for her opinion out of sheer curiosity or politeness. No, he needed her opinion. Telling her the truth would hurt her and he didn’t want that. Keeping the truth from her, however, would be disloyal and not right. He regarded her for a moment, still standing in front of him. She looked confused and worried. Samuel wondered briefly if she was worried about the situation in general, or for him specifically. He contemplated the option for a second before he rid himself of that ludicrous thought. 

 

Samuel looked at her, but wouldn’t quite meet her eyes, Kathleen noticed. There had to be something more than just a mere attempt to extort him for his inventions. This had been her initial theory. He was a brilliant inventor, so surely someone would find some perverse use for his invention and wanted to get it from him, even if it meant to blackmail him. Since she valued him for his honesty, she would have thought that he would probably be too upright, too honest and just too good to fall for any such attempt. Now, however, she wasn’t so sure anymore. There was guilt in his eyes and it began to worry her. 

 

“Those men out there are dangerous,” he had lowered his voice as if they might even hear them in this cottage. His eyes were now fixed on her. “They are from the MI 5. They approached me, to blackmail and possibly ruin my family, me and my business.” He had started talking faster, partly because he wanted to have it all out in the open and partly because he was afraid that if he didn’t tell her quickly, he wouldn’t be able to tell her at all. 

 

Kathleen listened to him with bated breath, she had no idea where this would lead. The only thing she saw was that he was in a lot of distress, which both shocked her and troubled her. 

 

“I became a spy for them… specifically, I am to spy on you and your husband.”

 

Silence fell over them. Of all the things she had expected, this was not one of them. It was almost as if the executioner's axe had come down on them. Surely she had misheard. Or had she?

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Kathleen forgive Samuel for spying on her and husband? How will she take it?

 

The silence that had descended over them was almost deafening to Samuel’s ears. He didn’t know what to do. He almost didn’t even dare to breathe. He feared that one wrong step, one breath too loud, would take her away before he had a chance to explain himself. And he needed to explain himself. For a moment he simply stood still and waited for her reaction, but she only looked at him, apparently unable to react in any kind of capacity. 

 

In fact, Kathleen had trouble stringing his words together at all and putting a meaning to what he had just told her. None of it made sense. Why would Samuel of all people spy on them? Samuel was no spy. He couldn’t be. No, he definitely wasn’t. 

 

“I am deeply sorry, Kathleen. I should have come forward with this much sooner. I wanted to, but I just couldn’t,” he began tentatively, weighing his words carefully as he spoke them. He knew that even one word out of order might ruin everything. 

 

“Excuse me?” was all she managed to reply. The impact of his words was finally beginning to hit her. Confusion and lack of understanding began to turn into betrayal and hurt. She took a small step back. The more distance there was between her and him the better.

 

He still hadn’t moved but she thought she saw guilt flicking across his face. It was all too much. She could neither comprehend nor fully process what she had just heard - nor could she feel any sympathy for him. She simply stared at him in disbelief. Then, a realisation hit her and she felt as if someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over her: her husband’s mental illness. Her stomach twisted and she began to feel sick. Nobody could ever find out about it, not even Samuel. The idea that anyone might get wind of his issues made her blood run cold. 

 

Suddenly, as if jolted out of her paralysis, she recoiled and stumbled backwards. She had to get away. She couldn’t stay in the same house, let alone in the same room as him for another minute. She could see Samuel’s shoulders slump in disappointment, but still, Kathleen turned on her heels to get away. She would walk home if she had to. 

 

“I need to go,” she choked, grabbed her purse and turned on her heels to leave. She hadn’t reached as much as the doorframe, however, when she felt his hand close around her wrist in an attempt to stop her. At this moment, she hated how her body seemed to betray her. Her mind beckoned her to leave the traitor, yet the second his fingers had touched her skin, the tingling sensation was back again and it was running all the way up her spine. She gawped at him. 

 

“Please let go of me.” The order came out with less determination and anger than she had intended. It was more of a weak plea than anything else. 

 

“Please, Kathleen. You need to hear me out. They came onto me a few weeks ago, presenting me with hundreds of pictures of my family, showing and threatening me with what they would do if I didn’t do what they told me to. There was nothing I could do. It was extortion. So, I had to agree. But I haven’t yet delivered anything. I keep putting them off. This is why they were following us!” 

 

The words had come out with such urgency and vigour, that she had indeed put the thought to actually leave on hold. Instead, she turned around towards him and regarded him incredulously. His fingers were still clutched around her wrist and she found herself not wanting him to let go. 

 

“Please, will you stay?” The way Samuel looked at her was so full of remorse, hope and honesty that she almost could not say no. Yet, for a moment, she didn’t know what to say. She felt lost and overwhelmed, both by the moment and by him. So, she just looked at him, quietly musing how easy it would be to get lost in those eyes. But she must not get lost. She took a deep breath before she replied, choosing her words carefully. 

 

“I will. For the moment, I will.” There was no denying that a small part of her still felt betrayed, but the other part was willing to forgive him, or at least to stay and listen to him. Samuel gave her a tentative, albeit grateful smile, so small you could have missed it entirely if she hadn’t felt him emphasise his gratitude by squeezing her wrist just before removing his hand.

 

She felt the loss of his touch almost as keenly as she had felt the light squeeze before it and she hated herself for letting it affect her. Pushing the feeling aside, she moved a little further away, walked back into the middle of the room, and then sat down on the carpet. Apart from the bed that was simply out of the question, there was nowhere else to sit.

 

“Please sit and talk to me,” she said, trying to sound more composed than she felt. “Why are they after my husband? What can they possibly….” She choked on her words, suddenly unable to finish her question, overwhelmed by the thought that Richard’s secret might be on the brink of being exposed after everything she had done for years to protect him.

 

“Kathleen…” Samuel reached for the handkerchief in his breast pocket and then kneeled down in front of her to offer it to her. She looked up and accepted the handkerchief without a word, dabbing the corners of her eyes with it as she tried to compose herself. When Samuel too sat down on the floor and then began to remove his suit jacket, she did her best to avert her gaze.

 

“These men…” Samuel started again after giving her some time and Kathleen finally lowered the handkerchief to her lap, giving Samuel her undivided attention. “I don’t know exactly what they want or expect to find. I don’t think they fully trust me either,” he explained. “I believe they simply think I am useful because of my hearing aids and what they think they can use them for.”

 

Kathleen frowned. “What is it they want to use them for?”

 

“For listening,” Samuel replied without hesitation. “They might think it’s what I already do,” he continued bitterly, “because I’m Russian and Jewish.”

 

“But you’re English,” Kathleen said, and then hesitated. “Aren’t you?” She knew he was of Russian origin, but surely that could not be a factor when he had lived so long in England: built his life and family here.

 

Samuel shook his head. “I am,” he replied, “but there are those who would say I am Russian because it’s where I was born. I think that’s why they are interested in your husband, too.”

 

Kathleen looked at him in confusion, twisting the handkerchief in her hands. “But Richard was not born in Russia,” she pointed out. “His mother and father are both English, as were their parents.”

 

“But he was freed from a prison camp in Germany by Russian soldiers.”

 

“So, you have been spying on him after all? That is not public information,”  she stated, dread creeping over her like an icy chill, quickly wondering if she shouldn’t reverse her steps after all and leave. 

 

“I had to find out the connection between us, as to why the Secret Service singled me out to spy on your husband of all people, and why they are listening in on your phone calls and ours,” he moved on in earnest. 

 

“And did you find out a connection?” she asked, her voice a little uncertain, conflicted whether she wanted to know the answer or not. If he knew about his imprisonment in the concentration camp in Germany and the liberation, he might also know about all the repercussions this time had had on him. “Why are the Secret Service listening in to our phone calls? Why are they interested in us?”

 

“I am not entirely sure, yet. I suspect they think he still has contacts to some Russian officials ever since this fateful day. They might think he is a spy for the Russian government himself, which is what they need me to be able to find out with my listening devices. All of this is based on assumptions. The only thing I know for a fact is that they have been listening to your phone calls for a while now. And our phone calls too, as a matter of fact.”

 

There was silence for a second. Kathleen’s mind was reeling. It was absolutely impossible that her husband worked for the Russian government. She’d know. Or would she? She shook away the moment of doubt. Of course, he would tell her, and even if he didn’t tell her, she would know. There wasn’t a single aspect of his life she didn’t know about because she had practically held his life together for over ten years. She might even say, she knew her husband better than he knew himself. This presumption was simply outrageous.

 

“But this is ridiculous. My husband isn’t working for the Russians, he never has! He has Russian friends and I think he will always remain eternally grateful to them for getting him and his brothers in arms out of the concentration camp, but he still isn’t spying on his own country. He is an MP, for goodness sake!”

 

All of Kathleen’s frustration, confusion and outrage seemed to spill out at once, before she could stop herself. When she had finished, she noticed that she had scooted closer to Samuel again and now leaned towards him, looking at him with wide, confused eyes. It was as if she expected him to have all the answers. 

 

He didn’t have an answer, but Samuel returned her look nevertheless with so much compassion in his eyes that it was difficult not to trust him. There was something very compelling about the way he spoke to her and how he now gazed at her that it made her realize she perhaps already trusted him more than she probably should. 

 

“I wished I could tell you more. But at this point, I have no more knowledge than you do.” He broke their gaze to look down at his hands before his gaze went around the room at last as if only now noticing where they were.

 

“Who knows of this cottage?” she suddenly heard him asking, jolting her out of her musings. She caught herself staring at him and fought hard not to blush. Instead, she followed his eyes and composed herself.

 

“Well, my husband and my aunt, but that is the extent of it. My husband never thought it posh enough to actually use it. And well, my aunt… she knows it since it was her husband’s property. But she hasn’t entered or even spoken about it ever since her husband’s death. As long as I can remember, this house had always been a bit of a retreat for him. I used to be here a lot when he was still alive. I always loved its tranquillity and the simplicity it presents. Even for me, it’s been years since I last set foot in it.”

 

Samuel gave a short nod with his head and his eyes quickly fell on the bed, before he diverted his gaze and looked at Kathleen again, hoping she hadn’t just noticed where he had looked at and was eternally grateful that she couldn’t read his mind, scolding himself for even entertaining such a thought. Even if it was only for the fragment of a second. He decided to quickly divert their conversation back to its original topic.

 

“This actually makes this cottage the safest place for us around here. That is, as long as we make it back unobserved,” he concluded from what she had told him. 

 

“I guess, it does. It can be your hideout in case it’s necessary and they are following you again. You know where the keys are,” she replied, looking at him curiously. She wondered if he implied that they would meet here more often, but didn’t dare ask the question. It seemed too outrageous. Once again a comfortable silence fell over them and she let her gaze wander over him, eyeing him, wondering what he was thinking about. The nurses had been right, he was rather dashing, wasn’t he, she mused when her look went downwards. Just then she caught a glimpse of his wristwatch and her stomach lurched. Had they been here for this long already? 

 

He caught her staring, slightly aghast, and followed her eyes, looking for the source of her shock and found himself looking at the time. He immediately understood why. They had been here for nearly two hours already. With the drive they had ahead of them they would arrive at the Shaws’ home late in the afternoon, maybe even at sunset. His mind went quickly to his wife who must be wondering where he was, as well as to his friend at work to whom he had promised to give note of how the presentation at the hospital went. He was certain it had to be the same for him.

 

“We have to go,” she gasped and got up suddenly, ignoring the ache in her legs from sitting on the hard-wood floor for so long, brushing away the creases in her dress.

 

“I am afraid we do,” he conceded. If he had the choice, he would rather have stayed here with her, spending all the time talking to her and quite frankly marvelling at her and her beauty. But alas, they did not have any other choice. Instead, they made their way back through the gloomy house to the car that waited outside. 

 

When they stepped out of the cottage, Kathleen noticed it had become a little more chilly as evening approached. She made quick way to put the key back where it belonged and then sat in the car next to Samuel again, suddenly becoming very aware of their proximity once again. 

 

The ride out of the woods was as bumpy as it had been before, yet she didn’t mind. His cologne was invading her senses and she kept thinking about what had transpired between them today. Only now did she notice that this secret he has must have weighed heavily on him and she wondered if anyone else knew about it.

 

“Does your wife know that the Secret Service is blackmailing you?” The question had slipped out before she could stop herself. She looked at him for a moment, observing his reaction attentively, wondering if she had overstepped her mark. 

 

He seemed to think about it, his eyes straight ahead on the road before he shook his head. “No, she doesn’t. She wouldn’t understand it and would be worried sick. Nobody knows. Courtney has some suspicion because he was with me when the men first started following me. but you are the only one who knows my secret.”

 

He cast a quick glance in her direction. She wasn’t sure what to make of that look. There was trust in it, yet worry and maybe even a bit of caution. She couldn’t say for sure. Before she was able to deduct and analyze if further, he had his eyes back on the road. 

 

“Mmm,” she merely replied with a nod, not daring to delve into the topic even further. For some reason, as if of a silent, mutual agreement, they usually avoided talking about his wife or even mentioning her at all. Even the thought of her made Kathleen feel uneasy, somehow. She liked not to think about that part of Samuel’s life because an ugly feeling always bubbled up inside her when she did. A feeling she would, under any other circumstances, have named jealousy or envy. In either case, her mind could not travel there now. She was married herself after all. And not unhappily.

 

She gazed out of the window and saw the scenery pass them by. Her mind went back to his words. They were blackmailing him to get to her husband. Yet, her husband was innocent. She was convinced of it. Why would they go after him then, if everyone knew that? There had to be more to the story than met the eye. It irked her that the truth seemed to be right in front of her, yet it was out of reach. Samuel had trusted her enough to open up to her, to tell her something that might ruin him and his family. He had chosen her as his confidante and she wanted to prove worthy of it. It might take a night to sleep over it and come up with something, but there surely was something she could do, to help him and prove her husband’s innocence. Her social connections, reaching far wider and higher than Samuel’s, must account for something after all. She didn’t voice any of that, however, to the driver sitting next to her.

 

“Would you care for a drink, maybe even dinner? I think we both are in need of both after the day we’ve had.” She had no idea what had brought on this suggestion, other than she knew that she was not ready to let him go just yet. 

 

At this, he took his eyes off the road at last. He looked at her for a moment too long, as his head jerked around quickly to look back on the road again. He cleared his throat before he responded. 

“As much as I’d like nothing more, I think I must go home and see my wife. She must be worried sick. On top of that, I have some work to do that can’t wait. Maybe we can make up for this missed opportunity some other time?”

 

“Yes, certainly.” Of course, she knew he had to go home. He had told her before. She felt foolish for asking. His rational and very logical answer, however, didn’t change the fact that she felt a pang of disappointment and she stared straight ahead out of the windscreen to compose herself. For the remainder of the drive, she avoided looking at him, feeling too vulnerable and stupid.

 

Meanwhile, Samuel didn’t dare to look at Kathleen anymore or even think about her. He knew he would be entering dangerous territory if he allowed himself that indulgence. He already appreciated her more than he should. And having her so close to him, having her perfume invade his senses, was too much. He simply couldn’t go there. Instead, he trained his thoughts on her question. What did the Secret Service want from them? But it had been a long day, and he could not come up with a reasonable answer. 

 

They spent the rest of the drive in relative silence, but neither of them minded. It was a comfortable silence. Both were locked in their own heads, with their thoughts keeping them company.

 

Before long, Kathleen saw her house grow nearer. Part of her was still sad that he had declined her offer of dinner, but the sensible part knew it was probably for the best. When they pulled up in front of her house, at last, the sun was setting as they had suspected. 

 

“Thank you for today.” She faltered and put out her hand. He took it immediately and smiled at her. 

 

“I am so sorry for all the trouble I have put you in. I cannot stress enough how deeply sorry I am. I never intended for you to be endangered in any way.” There was so much sincerity and worry in his eyes that for a moment she simply couldn’t look away. His eyes were too compelling. 

 

“It wasn’t your fault. Besides, I am glad I know.” Her reply was barely above a whisper. “Goodbye, Samuel.”

 

With that, she got out of his car and left him back in it alone, only the remnants of her perfume lingering behind. Who was he fooling? He would think of nothing else but her, about the way she had stayed, the way she had trusted him, the way she had looked at him and just how brilliant she was in every possible way. With a sigh, he pulled out of her property and drove home, thinking of nothing but the Secret Service, today’s events and her on his way. Even his wife found him unusually quiet once he got home, the way he sat in his armchair that evening, mulling over something that was out of her reach, not listening to one thing she had tried to tell him. 

 

Kathleen, meanwhile, had gotten home to an empty house. She was quite glad about it, too. There was nobody she was forced to have a conversation with. After a quick dinner, she retreated to her room. An attempt at reading something turned out to be futile, so she got to bed early, partly because she wanted to be alone with her thoughts and partly because she didn’t want to talk to anyone, even her servants. With that, she turned off the lights and closed her eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... and we continue to torture you. ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathleen and Samuel are determined to find evidence to proof her husband's innocence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took a bit to get this chapter done, but it's sufficiently long to make up for the wait. I hope you like it!

“Kathleen, I invited the Petrukhins for dinner on top of the Chief Whip, I hope this is not too last minute.” Richard’s announcement had come out of the blue.

“What? Is there a particular reason for it?” It had been a couple of days since the infamous incident that still haunted her mind and which had spurred a determination in her to prove her husband’s innocence.

“Don’t you like them? I thought you enjoyed talking to Mr Petrukhin at the garden party a few weeks ago.”

Kathleen had to fight a blush. She hadn’t been aware that her husband of all people had observed her, but of course, it did make sense that he had watched them. She and Samuel had talked for rather long and it was only natural to check on one’s spouse.

“Of course, I do. I was just surprised that’s all,” Kathleen replied with an easy smile. “I will just have to make sure Miss Patty will have enough for four more.”

Sighing internally, she hoped to have cleared the situation without looking in any way suspicious. There was nothing to be suspicious about, of course, but she felt as if she had a secret she had to keep for herself.

“Only two Petrukhins, love. The children won’t come tonight.” Richard smiled at her. “Thank you, darling.” With that, he gave her a peck on the cheek and made his way back to his study and left his wife with a dozen different thoughts running through her mind.

The thought of seeing Samuel again, for the first time after his confession, was in itself enough to ignite a myriad of conflicting emotions in Kathleen, but that it would happen so publicly at a dinner, and with his wife present as well, was unforeseen and made everything more complicated. After their last meeting, she had actually come up with something that almost resembled an idea for how they could find out more about Richard’s links to the Russians, or about who else might be involved, and she yearned to talk with Samuel again in private to gain his approval of the idea, but she could not fathom how a dinner that she herself was set to host could offer them any opportunity for such a conversation.

Kathleen shook her head, knowing she had no time to dwell on it now, and then proceeded to the kitchen to prepare the staff for the addition of two more guests. What time she had left before the guests’ arrival passed quickly in a flurry of other, similar tasks that still needed to be seen to, and sooner than she had thought possible, she found herself putting last minute touches on her own appearance just before the clock would chime the expected hour.

She had not had time to spare more than a few passing thoughts for the Petrukhins in her hurry to get the house ready for the guests but now, as she inspected herself in the mirror and tried to attach her earrings with slightly trembling hands, she had to scold herself for the nervous energy she felt building up inside her, all because of one man who, as she felt the need to remind herself, was not her husband. It would simply not do. Taking a deep breath, Kathleen pushed him out of her mind and fixed the earrings in place. She took one last look at herself in the mirror, approved of what she saw, and made her way quickly downstairs to join Richard in expectation of their guests.

“The Petrukhiins are here. How are you?” she heard her husband greeting their first guests exuberantly, just as she made her way to her husband.

For a moment she only saw Samuel and smiled at him politely, somewhat uncertain at how to approach him when she shook his hand. Only then did she see his wife emerge from behind her husband, smiling at her rather jovially. Kathleen tried to mirror the other woman’s sentiment but was unsure of her success. A weird feeling clutched her heart, nagging at it the more she saw the husband and wife interact. But no matter how much she tried to pry her thoughts away from this, to ignore it, she couldn’t. It simply made her feel uneasy and she reprimanded herself for it. Mrs Petrukhin was a perfectly pleasant person, intelligent and nice. The only fault she had, was that she was married to Samuel. Ignoring this bout of jealousy, she threw Samuel a look. She didn’t know why. Maybe it was to check on him, or maybe it was to make him aware that she wanted to tell him something, or simply ask him why he had accepted a dinner invitation which, strictly speaking, was perfectly legitimate.

The moment she lead her guests into the dining room, he reciprocated the gaze and she looked away quickly, so as not to draw attention to them but also to hide the conflicting feelings that surely must show themselves in her eyes. Fighting a blush, she turned around to her husband’s call and greeted the other guests of the night like the perfect hostess she always was. Years of being married to her husband had managed to give her the perfect training at putting her duties forward and ignoring anything else that might have been weighing on her mind.

Dinner itself was enjoyable enough, apart from a somewhat awkward undercurrent that Kathleen hoped was something only she had noticed, or perhaps even completely imagined. What she did notice, however, were occasional glances in her direction from Samuel’s part. Maybe she hadn’t imagined it after all? She tried not to let herself be too perturbed by it and tried to keep her attention mostly on her other guests, but the longer the dinner took, and the chattier everyone grew, the more grew Kathleen’s nervousness. There had to be a moment when she could talk to Samuel in private. There just had to be.

An opportunity presented itself much sooner than she had expected. When the men joined their wives again in the drawing room after they had retreated to enjoy some brandy and cigars while the women had exchanged the latest gossip, she noticed Samuel standing in front of the bookshelves, reading the spines of the books. Seeing as nobody else appeared to be nearby, she joined him after taking a little detour around the room so as not to raise suspicions.

“I actually wouldn’t recommend this one,” Kathleen quipped once she had stepped up next to him.

Samuel who had eyed one book in particular, or so it had seemed, looked up from the shelf, apparently pulled from his thoughts, not at all interested in the book he had eyed.

“Oh, well, I will keep that in mind,” he gave her a sideway glance and smiled and removed his fingers from the spine.

For a moment, both felt at a loss for what to say. The setting with all the people around had made the whole encounter rather weird, awkward almost. Under other circumstances, they could spend hours in each other’s company and just talk. But now neither of them knew how to make the first step.

After looking around uncertainly, Kathleen took a deep breath and spoke under her breath, so that only Samuel could hear her words.

“I have been thinking about our conversation,” she told him while pretending to look at the books on the shelf. “About...you know.” To even mention the spying under her own roof, with so many guests present and not far from earshot, felt impossible.

Samuel nodded almost imperceptibly. “Yes,” he said then, pulling out another, random book as if to inspect it more closely. “I have been thinking about it too, a great deal.”

Kathleen glanced behind her back to make sure nobody was standing near, flashed a smile at her husband at the other end of the room and then turned back to Samuel, lowering her voice even more.

“I was thinking there might be something in the National Archives,” she said, picking the book from Samuel and pretending to show interest in it. “Classified information about who served where during the war, and with whom. I don’t know if that might help to understand more.”

She turned the book over in her hands and then said more loudly: “I do not think this one would be of much interest to you either. I’m afraid it’s rather dull.”

Samuel smiled, his eye-catching Kathleen’s as he took the book back and returned it to the shelf. “I will take your word for it, Mrs Shaw,” he replied. “I believe you are right,” he added under his breath. “But we need to talk more, in private. When can I see you again?”

For a moment, she just enjoyed the ring those words had. She would see him again. He wanted to see her again. A sudden nervousness came over her that either might be due to the secrecy of this whole enterprise or simply the way she always felt when he was near, but she tried to ignore the latter option. “I think I could come into your office,” she replied at last. “It’s easy and we can talk further under the pretence of my aunt needing a readjustment on her hearing aid. This is, in fact, true.”

The book that had been declared as dull, was put back in its previous place and a third random book was pulled out. Samuel glanced at Kathleen for a second, trying not to marvel at the glow that the light in the room gave her. “That’s an excellent idea. When can you come? Would later this week work for you, Friday, perhaps? That would allow me to gather further information on it and then we can discuss and plan this whole matter.”

“This book is one I’d recommend, actually,” her voice had a normal volume again as not to grow suspicion. She gave him a nod and murmured: “Excellent. I’d come around in the morning if that is alright with you.”

“Great, I will have to check it out then. I don’t read nearly as much as I want to. Work usually takes up most of my time,” he commented while looking at the cover without taking in any of the words. “Perfect.”

As if on cue, her husband had made his way over to the two conspirators and now smiled broadly at Kathleen and Samuel, completely oblivious to the special bond those two had.

“Darling, are you boring our guest with our library?”

“Oh, no, quite the opposite, actually. She’s been very helpful,” Samuel intervened before Kathleen had a chance to reply.

She took her eyes off Samuel and smiled at her husband. “He seemed quite lost. I just had to save him.”

“Wonderful, wonderful. Well, if you don’t mind, I have to whisk away my wife for a moment.”

Richard was in a splendid mood. In fact, he was almost exuberant. If he had a good day and they had company, he was almost too enthusiastic, which was endearing, actually. Of course, she had to take up her duties as a hostess again, but as usual, she felt a sense of loss whenever she parted from Samuel. It was no different now.

“Actually, Mr Shaw,” Samuel called after them. “I think I need to find my wife and we need to head back home. We promised Hannah to be back and relieve her of her babysitting duties.”

“I am so sorry, dear chap, but that’s perfectly understandable,” Richard replied readily. Samuel nodded and excused himself.

“Darling, I think I will show the Petrukhins out,” Kathleen said hurriedly and, with a quick smile at Richard, she followed Samuel who by now had found his wife. As per usual, Kathleen was nothing but flawless in what she did. Even now, when a seemingly simple task of saying goodbye to a guest and his wife, evoked a myriad of different emotions in her.

For Kathleen, it couldn’t be Friday soon enough. She almost felt like a child counting down the days until Christmas. The closer Friday got, the longer the days seemed to become. When Friday morning had finally arrived, Kathleen’s anxiety over their possible plan had reached new heights. For once, she was actually glad for her normal, boring morning routine. There was no need to think too much because she did everything automatically. Otherwise, she was sure she would have forgotten one thing or another.

They hadn’t even planned anything yet, but somehow the thought of what was to come scared her as much as it exhilarated her. Which emotion was predominant, she couldn´t be sure. When she sat on the backseat of the car that morning, again having put just that little extra effort in her appearance, there was a finality to it, she felt.

Not being entirely truthful and telling her husband and her aunt a lie, even if it was just a white lie, still gave her a pang of guilt, but she was getting better at it. She really did not want to miss Samuel’s company, and if she didn’t want anyone else to find out or meddle in her friendship with him, there simply was no other way. Giving her aunt, who was watching her from out of the window, a last wave, she told her driver her destination and they were off.

All the nervousness she had felt, the uncertainty about what would happen or what Samuel had come up with, was still bubbling beneath the surface but the closer she got to his place, the more that feeling was taken over by something else, an anxiety of a different kind. But instead of thinking about it, of allowing it some space, she struck up a chat with Henry, her driver. She had always thought that a good working relationship with her employees included a certain level of knowing them as well. It was vital. Plus in this instance, he distracted her with his talk about his wife and their newborn son, who was turning their lives completely upside down at the moment.

“We’re here, Ma’am.” The chat with her driver hadn’t locked away the assault of different emotions she was dealing with, but they had at least taken a backseat for a while, simmering. She thanked him, pulled her pink coat closer around her and made her way up to Samuel’s office, uncertain whether to try and get in unobserved or whether she should go in with her head held high. She opted for the latter. There was nothing wrong with what she was doing after all.

But if she had thought she had managed to take control over her anxiety and nerves, she was sadly mistaken. The moment she stood in front of his office, both were back in full force with her heart hammering in her chest. She took a deep breath before tentatively knocking on his door.

“Come in,” his deep voice invited her in. When she opened the door, he still sat at his desk, reading something. “Just give me a minute, to …” he trailed off when he saw her. Instead of finishing reading the paper in front of him he leapt up as if shocked by his own rude behaviour. “Kathleen! I am so sorry!”

“If you’re busy…” Kathleen started, feeling suddenly very self-conscious.

“Never too busy for you,” Samuel cut in hurriedly before she could finish. With a few brisk steps, he walked over to where Kathleen was standing by the door and placed his hand on the small of her back to guide her in properly. “Please, sit down,” he said as they reached his desk and, instead of returning to his own seat on the other side, he sat down on the table itself, so close to Kathleen that she hardly knew where to look before she finally lifted her eyes to his face.

For a moment they both sat simply looking at each other, the actual purpose of Kathleen’s visit almost forgotten, and for the first time, Kathleen allowed herself to imagine what it would be like to kiss Samuel and to feel his hands on parts of her body that he had never touched before. Then, horrified by her own line of thought, she quickly shook her head and banished the image from her mind.

“I’m sorry,” Samuel said as if sensing her sudden withdrawal even though she had physically barely moved. “I was caught up in…” He trailed off as if he had been about to say too much, and then quickly picked another train of thought: “The idea you mentioned at the dinner. That’s what you’re here to talk about and I’m taking up your time by talking and thinking nonsense.”

Kathleen blushed at the idea that Samuel’s mind might have been occupied in a similar way as her own but then controlled herself before replying: “Yes. The thing I mentioned.” She paused and took a deep breath. “Have you thought about it?”

Samuel broke eye contact with her as if to avoid looking at her all of a sudden. He cleared his throat before he continued. “Yes, I have. In fact, I think I might have an idea for how we could get into the National Archives and prove your husband’s innocence.”

Kathleen willed her thoughts away from the man whose cologne was threatening to invade her senses. Instead, she attempted to put her focus on the reason why they had arranged this meeting in the first place - to prove her husband’s innocence. Her husband. A perfectly innocent man, who didn’t deserve any of those accusations. A man she had to be loyal to and should desire, but didn’t. She hadn’t done so for a long time now.

“But how?” She looked at him somewhat confused. Surely, they couldn’t just walk in there and have a look at the documents.

“You are a woman of great standing in society, and I’m sure wherever you go, doors that would be closed for me, will be open for you. I think that will turn out to be true even for the National Archives. Nobody would bat an eye if you showed up and simply asked to get in. And that’s our advantage. If I went there alone, I would not get past the entrance. But if you take me as your ‘plus one’ so to speak, nobody would care. I know where to look and two pairs of eyes see more than one. So, to make a long story short, we will walk in there under some pretence of looking up some general information on your family, find the classified information we are actually looking for and walk out of there again as if nothing happened. Easy.”

For a moment, Kathleen just gawped at him, her mouth completely dry. When she noticed that he was, in fact, not pulling her leg and that this whole endeavour wasn’t just an absurd joke, she opened her mouth to voice some of her concerns. Nothing of the sort wanted to come out, however, and she quickly closed her mouth again. She swallowed and gave it yet another try.

“But… what if we are caught? It’s not exactly legal…” His plan had stunned her. It was one thing to think of ways of helping her husband, but it was a completely other thing to actually hear the perfectly thought-out and very realistic scheme Samuel had presented her with. It didn’t just sound very realistic and potentially dangerous. No, it sounded final.

She had known Samuel to be a man of action, but now he was proving just how much he was so. There was absolutely no denying that her nerves would have a field day whenever they would attempt the scheme he had just suggested. But there also was no denying the completely inappropriate way she found her treacherous body currently reacting to his determination and the intensity of his eyes as he spoke. She tried to suppress the throbbing sensation she felt between her legs and pressed together her thighs, determined to ignore it and let it abate.

“No, it is not,” Samuel spoke, unaware of her thoughts. “But it’s also not legal to have someone spy on your husband and extort him and his family. That would only make us even, I think.” He looked at her, waiting for her approval or some kind of reaction. Eventually, Kathleen nodded. He could sense her uncertainty and felt an urge to take her hand to convince her that it would all be all right. But he restrained himself from doing so. Instead, he tried to communicate the same with his words, to ease her worry. “It really is the only way to find some proof and something we can use against them. I understand that this might seem completely reckless, but I assure you, everything will be fine. I have thought this through thoroughly and had a look into the maps of the National Archives. I know the ins and outs of it and I have a good plan. The only thing I now need is your trust, Kathleen,” he paused. “Do I have your trust?”

She twisted her fingers in her lap, contemplating his words. “I trust you.” Her admission was soft but decisive and was followed by the smallest of smiles.

At this, relief spread across his face and he smiled at her. “Thank you.”

They enjoyed each other’s company for a little while longer, making further arrangements, talked through some more details, so that everything could run smoothly. When it finally came time for Kathleen to leave, they set up a date for when all of this should go down.

This didn’t really appease Kathleen’s nerves, but Samuel knew what he was doing. If it had been anyone else, she might have not even entertained the idea in the first place, let alone agreed to actively participate. But he was different.

When they did say goodbye, at last, they knew that the next time they would see each other, would be when he picked her up to go to the National Archives. As if Samuel had read her mind upon shaking her hand, he held it for a second longer than was necessary and he let his thumb graze her skin ever so tentatively and carefully. The sensation of it was over before it had begun. But it did have the desired effect. She had all but forgotten about the endeavour. Long after she had arrived at home, she could still feel his touch graze the skin of her hand.

One of the things they had agreed on was that in this matter, there was no time to lose. The sooner they actually entered the archives, the better it was. They would have proof and leverage on the Secret Service and Samuel’s family would not be in jeopardy anymore. In fact, they wanted to do it within no more than a week. It was close enough to be soon but still gave Samuel the chance to do more research if he felt the need for it. For Kathleen, though, how she would survive the wait and not give anything away with her growing nervousness, was beyond her.

During those days leading to the planned date, she occupied herself with shopping, redecorating bits and pieces of her house, arranging and organizing for yet another ball that would take place soon, which should celebrate her husband’s success with a bill he had worked on. She was almost a little too zealous. By the end of the week, she had the feeling she had done more work than she usually managed to do in a month.

When the big day finally rolled around, she woke at the crack of dawn. It was still dark, but it wouldn’t be for much longer. She heard the birds chirping in the distance. Trying to get any more sleep was futile, so all she did was lie in bed a little longer and enjoy the comfort and warmth of her blanket. That was until the anticipation of the day gave her such a big amount of butterflies in her stomach that she was forced to get up and busy herself with getting ready. Otherwise, she feared she might feel sick.

There was absolutely no doubt that this would be a big day. Yet she had to pretend everything was the same as usual. How would she be able to do that when everything around her seemed to be completely removed from reality. Her whole morning felt surreal to her. Breakfast, the chats with her staff, checking in on her aunt and finally being able to get ready. It was as if she was watching herself, but the whole scenery was in slow motion. Her choice of a dress was in a more subdued, yet beautiful blue dress. It seemed simple, yet classy enough to not raise any suspicions from any onlookers, but still with just a tad more cleavage and a bit more effort for Samuel. She was still fighting her feelings for him, but at this point, they seemed to have become a constant in her life and were getting hard to ignore. She still didn’t deal with them, though, because why should she? Nothing could ever and would ever happen. But she was aware of the effect he had on her. At some point, she would have to face this little demon and put an end to it once and for all, but that day was certainly not today. Today’s purpose was to clear her husband’s name, to find proof that he was innocent.

One habit Samuel had, she had noticed even at the very beginning, was that he was a very meticulous man. That automatically coincided with the fact that he was very punctual. When he said he’d be there at 10.00 am, he would be there by 10 am sharp and no later. It wasn’t any different this morning. Quite on the contrary. He was a few minutes early.

Kathleen couldn’t be sure if that was down to a lull at work or if it down to the fact that he was just as tense as she was. Part of her hoped for the latter because it comforted her a little in a way to imagine that she wasn’t alone with her nerves, because something she did know for certain, was that she was on tenterhooks when she heard the crunching of the gravel outside. Proper behaviour would usually have called for her to wait until he had gotten out of the car and picked her up, but ignoring etiquette, for the time being, Kathleen picked up her bag and made her way out the door, hoping she didn’t seem too impatient.

Upon exiting the house she was met by Samuel who just came up the stairs and now bowed his head and shook her hand. Ignoring the nervousness bubbling in her stomach, she sat on the passenger seat. That a fragment of her nervousness now had nothing to do with their endeavour later, was something she didn’t want to think of.

“Are you ready?” he asked her quietly once he had sat down next to her and looked at her intently. His look was burning her.

“As ready as I can be,” she replied, willing her voice to sound stronger and more secure than she actually felt. He nodded, looking at her for a second longer, as if he wasn’t quite convinced, as if he could see right through her, but then he proceeded to ignite the engine and they started to make their way towards the National Archives.

She knew that their drive would be longer than the usual route to his office, but it passed pleasantly enough. They had decided to leave early, so they would be able to have enough time to look through the files and make their way back home well in time for dinner. Despite the fact that both Samuel and Kathleen were tense because of what they were about to do, the hour-long drive wasn’t unpleasant. Kathleen felt that she didn’t need to entertain him all the time, which helped her relax. There was talk, but she didn’t feel forced to talk in order to overcome some awkward silence.

Before Kathleen was ready, they pulled up on a road near their destination. “We will leave our car here. In case anyone notices us or the car, they won’t immediately know where we are. That has us in a bit of an advantage.”

It made sense, but she was just too nervous to process anything at the moment. Kathleen nodded and they finally made their way to the building. She had been aware all morning that this was going to happen, but standing in front of the building was what finally made it all feel real. Somehow she had the feeling as if she was being followed and now that she had finally arrived, she wouldn’t even be surprised if the men in the dark coats rounded the corner and arrested them. Technically, it wouldn’t be too unrealistic, but she knew that nobody was following them. Despite all her fears, Samuel appeared unflappable, level-headed even. As long as he remained so composed, Kathleen felt there shouldn’t be any reason for her to be concerned.

“Good morning, how may I help you?” A rather stern-looking officer in a grey uniform eyed the pair suspiciously when they entered.

“Good morning, sir,” Kathleen put on her sweetest voice. She could tell the officer’s attitude changed even by merely greeting him. “I was wondering if we could have access to the general archives. I am finally putting together my family tree and there are some blanks I would like to have filled.”

“Well, ma’am, I am not entirely sure if I can let you do that. Strictly speaking, you need special permission for that.” The officer tried to remain strict but he was faltering already.

“Please, Mr ...Philipps,” Kathleen read his name tag, “can’t you make an exception for us? We really only have to look at some old files to get the names and dates of my relatives. My husband and I want to join our family trees and that’s why we need this and you are the only chance left. Would you help us, please?” She placed her hand on the crumbling man’s forearm to emphasize her request.

Samuel had to admit that she definitely knew what was doing. Kathleen could indeed charm the birds off the trees if she wanted to. He gave him another two minutes before the man gave in. It was almost too easy. Personally, he always chose pragmatism and the power of a good argument to charm and persuade, but he did have to admit that being charming by nature had its uses too. Unfortunately, it wasn’t exactly one of his own strengths, so he was grateful to have her here.

Mr Philipps, as Kathleen had cleverly read off his name tag, looked at him now, considering her words, as Samuel assumed. “Well, I guess, it is okay if you and your husband do that. It must be especially interesting for your children to read later.”

Kathleen peeked over to Samuel, realising that the officer mistook Samuel for her husband, but to reveal the man the secret now might jeopardize their mission, so she went along with it. Still, she couldn’t help the blush that crept up her face.

“Thank you so much, sir,” she breathed and smiled. By now, the man was openly beaming at her and ready to let them through.

“My wife and I are very much obliged,” Samuel joined in but did not receive a similar smile from the officer for himself. Kathleen, however, blushed very becomingly as she turned to look at him. “Shall we, darling?” he said boldly, placing his hand on the small of her back.

“Yes, dear, “ Kathleen replied softly, the colour on her cheeks rising even more. Then she flashed one more smile at the besotted guard. “We will not be long, sir. You have been so very helpful.”

“Pleased to be of service, ma’am,” he replied with a slight bow.

With that settled, they both moved past the man and began walking down the corridor. As they walked, Kathleen tried her best to focus on staying calm but she hardly knew whether it was the almost crippling fear of being caught, or simply Samuel’s hand still on her back, that was making her heart hammer in her chest like it wanted to burst out.

“Is he looking at us?” she asked under her breath, not daring to look back at the guard.

Samuel tried to take a discreet look. “I’m afraid he’s looking at you,” he then reported back, leaning so close to Kathleen’s ear that it only sent a fresh shiver down her spine. “I think he is completely in love with you now.”

They reached the door to the general archives and paused there. Kathleen took a deep, calming breath and turned to look at Samuel, feeling herself blush again. “Now you’re just talking nonsense,” she admonished him gently. “He was just a little smitten and will forget me as soon as we walk out of that door later.”

Samuel shook his head. “I assure you, Kathleen, no man forgets you that quickly,” he said. He held Kathleen’s eyes for a moment and then let his gaze glide over to where the guard was standing, noting that the man’s attention was just then being claimed by an approaching postman.

“Now,” he whispered to Kathleen, taking hold of her arm. “The Secret Service files are two doors down that way, behind the corner.” He pointed further down the same corridor. “Let’s keep walking as quickly as we can without looking like we’re in a hurry.”

All the way down the corridor, she felt the warmth of Samuel’s hand spreading across her back and through her completely. He only let go once they were safely inside and Kathleen immediately missed the contact.

“I think we need to hurry. We can’t be sure if anyone will come in here while we’re here,” Samuel whispered hurriedly and looked around, trying to make sense of all the shelves and boxes they were faced with.

Kathleen merely nodded and followed suit. There was an almost overwhelming amount of files. “I think we need to go that way,” she muttered and pointed to somewhere on the right of where they were standing. “I think the files are numbered but they all start with letters, we are standing somewhere in the middle of the alphabet. I think this way should be the right direction.”

Samuel saw that she was right. “Then let’s go,” he mumbled and put his hand on the small of her back once more to lead her in the direction she had suggested. Once again, she felt the tingling sensation through her body and in places she was not ready to acknowledge. She had to focus on their work, not on the man next to her, she almost got annoyed at her body’s betrayal. Almost.

As it turned out, Kathleen had been right. The archive was filed like books in a library. They had found what they assumed was the right aisle soon enough, but the aisle had the length of half a football field, Kathleen felt.

“Are you ready?” Samuel asked, giving her a quick glance and then looking back at aisle ahead.

“Do I have a choice?” She gave him one last desperate look and then made her way towards the boxes, tracing the file numbers and abbreviations with her fingers, hoping for some indication to find the right box.

For a moment Samuel couldn’t help but marvel at her. The way she moved down that aisle so gracefully, yet determinedly, letting her fingers ghost over the boxes. She was simply beautiful. When she finally looked over her shoulder at him, wondering where he was, he shook his head out of his reverie and followed her, checking for the right name on the other side.

To make matters worse, however, none of the abbreviations gave any hint of where the files they were looking for might be hidden. Before long, they pulled out one box after the other, scanning the names. It was a tedious and exhausting task and Kathleen’s presence didn’t really help matters. At least when it came to Samuel. Every time she got up to put back a box and take a new one out and crouch back down, she would turn around and quite honestly distract him with the way she moved and showed her backside.

“I think I found something!” she suddenly exclaimed, a little too loudly as she was too excited, but quickly realized her mistake and held her breath while looking over her shoulder, anxious someone might have heard her. Samuel, too, didn’t dare to say a word but listened intently for any oncoming footsteps, voices or anything that might suggest that anyone might have gotten wise to them. But when there was still nothing after what seemed like an eternity, Kathleen slowly turned around, sat down in front of him and almost whispered.

“They mention Richard’s name in here. But nothing suggests that he has done anything illegal in the past. They list his work and actions during World War II and also go into his doings while he was imprisoned in a concentration camp, when he shared his food with the other inmates and how he gave first aid to those who were in need. The only thing that might give us a hint of something else is his association with Lord Wallington.”

She read the file as she spoke, looking for any clue she might have missed.

“Lord Wallington?” Samuel looked up from the files he had been reading through. “I have had his name pop up a couple of times now, but never in a good light. I had no idea, however, that he was an associate of your husband’s during the war.”

“Oh, he was. My husband doesn’t like to talk about the war, but Lord Wallington was one of the generals responsible for helping free my husband and his fellow servicemen. He was his superior and had connections to the Russians who eventually liberated the camp. He was the one to give them the help they needed. Later he helped my husband win his constituency and hence his seat as a Member of Parliament. So, there are a couple of reasons why Richard has such a high opinion of Arthur and which is also why he is a friend of his.”

While Kathleen handed Samuel the file, he contemplated her words. “Well, but according to what I have found, he is not such a hero as your husband paints him to be. Quite on the contrary.”

“Arthur? That’s impossible. He is a war hero and has done so much for our country,” Kathleen tried to reassure him. She had known him for as long as she had known Richard. Arthur was almost something of a father figure to him and thus like a father-in-law to her. Arthur Wallington to be anything but the shining example of an intelligent, far-sighted and caring politician who saved her husband’s life was something Kathleen could not accept.

Samuel tried to sympathise with her, despite the fact that he had always felt the man’s opposition and prejudices towards him, that had nothing to do with his job, but everything with his views and himself as a Jew. He saw that she was close with Lord Wallington and learning about his kind of past would be a shock to her. That, however, did not change what he had done.

“I’m afraid so. He’s been linked to the Nazis. As it seems, he didn’t work together with the Russians to release your husband as has been told. From what I gathered now, he’s been in the inner circles of the Nazi party, doing them favours for money and power. One favour they did for him then, was to free his people from the concentration camp. Later he covered it all up and used his connections with the Russians as a smoke screen. Once again quite a big amount of money seemed to have played a role in this.”

All Kathleen could do was to gape at Samuel. “Are you absolutely certain?” Her voice came out weaker than she had intended. She felt numb. If that was true, everything he ever did for her husband was based on some crude scheme to gain even more money and power. If this was true, he had them on all this time. What made things even worse, she had trusted him.

“I am. I didn’t make the connection until you mentioned him, but it’s all like pieces of a puzzle now… The fact that we haven’t found any other mention of your husband as of yet, suggests that you are right. He isn’t the culprit. Lord Wallington is and…” he was unable to finish speaking his train of thought as a noise suddenly made them both freeze and stare at the door in fear. Heavy footsteps were approaching this part of the archive.

“I think someone’s coming,” Kathleen whispered under her breath. Samuel nodded and looked around quickly. The door was not far but there was no way they could slip out undetected now because that was where the danger was approaching. Instead, his eyes were soon drawn to a dark corner in the opposite direction where, with any luck, they might just escape notice unless someone was specifically looking for them.

“This way,” he hissed, placing his hand on Kathleen’s back and directing them with haste towards the murky corner. What he was about to do seemed very inappropriate, but there was no other option if they wanted to avoid being seen: they had to both squeeze into the tight corner and try to take up as little space as possible.

Kathleen could feel her pulse rise again, at first due to the impending danger and then by Samuel’s nearness as she felt herself being pinned against the wall.

“I’m so sorry,” she could hear him whisper in her ear as he pressed even closer, and in that moment she couldn’t for the life of her understand what he was sorry for. She could feel his hot breathing on her neck and for a moment almost forgot about the footsteps until they were walking right past them and then, without pausing, continued on until they could barely be heard anymore.

After a while, the footsteps were entirely gone and their ominous sound was soon followed by complete silence, but still, neither of them moved.

“Let’s wait a little longer, just to be safe,” Samuel spoke in a husky voice, his lips accidentally grazing Kathleen’s ear and eliciting a whimper that she was barely able to mask as a sound of agreement.

With her fear subsiding, Kathleen felt even more acutely the weight of Samuel’s body pressed against her own and, as if developing a mind of its own, her hand soon moved inside of his coat to grip the fabric of his vest over his back, solidifying the embrace they were locked in instead of seeking to extract herself from it. This was not the life she was used to. She arranged garden parties and stood next to her husband with a pretty smile on her face as they greeted their formidable guests. All she had ever known was how to be a good wife and a good hostess, and now here she was, having broken into a secret archive with a man she had only known for some months, and she wanted nothing more than to stay where she was, locked away from the world she knew, held in place by his strong, safe arms.

But it would not do.

“Kathleen,” she heard Samuel speak again, feeling his hot breath on her skin. “God, how you make me feel…” He trailed off, fingers tracing the side of her arm, sending a shiver down Kathleen’s spine.

“Don’t...” she said, her own voice coming out almost unrecognizable. “Don’t say it.”

She looked at Samuel and could see the same conflict in his eyes that she felt inside, knowing that he understood. “We have to go before someone else comes,” she forced herself to say as she removed her hand.

Samuel nodded reluctantly and then stepped back to both Kathleen’s disappointment and relief. Before he looked around eventually to see if the coast was clear, they looked at each other for a long moment and Kathleen thought that she could get lost in his eyes.

Before long, he cleared his throat and extended his hand for her to take. She took it, reluctantly so, and he swiftly lead her out of the corner and their aisle.

“Let me check if the coast is clear,” he mumbled, letting go of her hand at last. Kathleen hated herself for missing the warmth of his touch seeping through her, comforting her and at the same time sending jolts of electricity through her. She knew she could melt into him if she allowed herself to. Both she also knew that was an impossible scenario.

Instead of delving into dangerous territory with her thoughts, she focused on the task at hand, which was trying to get out of the secret archives undetected. She stood back and waited for a sign, her anxiety rising again like a tidal wave.

She chewed on her lips and knew that this time the swirl her stomach was doing had less to do with the man who cautiously looked out of the door, and more with the fact that they could get into serious trouble if they got caught. The mere thought of what might happen to them, and what people might say about them, the talk that whole incident would conjure was almost unbearable to Kathleen. The mere thought of what this might do to her reputation and how it might affect her husband too, made her blood run cold. No, it could not happen. They simply had to make it out undiscovered.

“The coast is clear,” Samuel muttered while still looking around frantically. Kathleen strained her ears for any unusual noise but all she could hear was the pounding of her own heart.

He waved for her to follow him. For a second she wondered if she should take off her shoes to prevent the clicking sound of her heels from echoing in the seemingly empty hallway of the archives. But it was too late now, so she tiptoed as quietly as her heels allowed her to, peering anxiously back over her own shoulder, ensuring nobody followed them.

“I think as long as we act normally now, we should be fine,” he said, halting his steps and putting his hand again on the small of her back.

“As normally as it is possible under the circumstances, considering we still have to pretend to be married,” she replied, attempting to stay nonchalant about it.

“Admittedly, that is not too difficult, but just in case anyone is asking what we are doing down here, we got lost on the way out.” Kathleen couldn’t tell if Samuel kept his voice forcibly casual and flirty or if it came naturally to him after what happened back in the archives. She didn’t dare to look at him. The possibility of seeing even a trace of what she saw just a few minutes ago, aroused a breathless kind of fear in her as she struggled with the implications of how it made her feel and what it could mean for their friendship.

“Ahh, there you are. I was just coming to look for you. We are closing earlier today and I wasn’t sure if you were aware of that.” They had just rounded the corner when Mr Philipps nearly bumped into the couple.

“Oh, thank you very much. In fact, we weren’t aware. You are too kind to us,” Kathleen was the first to recover from the initial shock of seeing the guard right in front of them, knowing that there was nothing he could or would do to them. She forced the most charming smile on her face and continued, “thank you once again for letting us through. We are ever so grateful.”

“Oh, it was nothing. I hope you found what you were looking for.” Once again, the rather short man was besotted with her. Even Kathleen could see that Samuel had been right about that. He didn’t even look twice at Samuel.

“Oh, we did. Thank you. I’m afraid we need to go now. You’ve been too kind,” she shook his hand and Samuel followed suit. It was the only time, Mr Philipps actually looked at her fake husband. If she wasn’t completely mistaken, she could see dislike flicker across his face, as if he didn’t think he was a good match for her. With that, they bid goodbye to the charmed man.

Both tried to keep their pace even, yet determined to get away from the National Archives as quickly as possible.

“I think we can relax now,” Samuel muttered under his breath when they neared the exit. This whole undertaking had been nothing but short of ludicrous. Despite the fact that Kathleen didn’t remember the last time she felt her stomach contract into such a tight ball, she also couldn’t remember the last time she felt quite as alive as she did right this moment, when she left the building alongside Samuel, determined to get to the car - hopefully, with nobody following them.  
  
Albeit Kathleen was glad that they hadn’t parked the car right outside the National Archives, she was still pleased when they reached it at last. She felt safe once she finally sat down, shutting out the world by closing the door. She let out a breath she had been holding ever since they had exited the room to the secret files. It was almost as if a weight was lifted off her shoulders, a weight that had been pressing her down for the better part of the past few weeks.

“Are you alright?” Samuel asked tentatively, pulling out of the parking space, sensing Kathleen’s turmoil.

“Yes…”, she trailed off, not quite sure how to word what was going on in her mind, not addressing their moment in doing so. “Yes, everything’s fine. It’s just been a long today… with - everything,” she halted once more, sorting her thoughts. “... and with Arthur. It’s hard to believe he actually committed the things he did.” Kathleen looked at Samuel briefly before turning her eyes on the road ahead. Her mind felt like a beehive. There were too many things going on at the same time and yet she had to find the time and a way to sort the myriad of thoughts and feelings she felt herself confronted with.

“I am sorry. It’s always hard to find out about these things and to find a way to deal with them,” Samuel offered, not really certain himself how to address the matter. Lord Wallington was the last thing on his mind at the moment. All he could think about was how perfect it felt to have her body pressed against his, to feel her warmth seeping through his clothes and her hand clutching him. It felt too perfect, in fact. He did have to think of Lord Wallington because otherwise his body might betray him even further and it would become very apparent what she did to him.

“What will we do about it … about him?” Kathleen had now averted her eyes from the road and looked at him curiously. He was in serious trouble, Samuel thought. Why did she have to look at him that way? Why did she have such an effect on him anyway? He was married for God’s sake.

He contemplated her question and answered as if he was choosing his words carefully. “Nothing at first. What we have now is leverage on him, which we can use, against the Secret Service and him.”

“It will be awkward seeing him again at the ball later this month, now, after what we learned about him,” she remarked, more to herself.

“Ball?” Samuel asked, quickly peering over at her, “What ball?”

“Oh, goodness, don’t tell me, I forgot to send you an invitation,” she exclaimed aghast.

“Oh, that ball. Sorry, I didn’t quite make the connection.”

“You will come… won’t you?” Her question sounded so quiet and uncertain, he almost felt bad for giving her such a fright. Without a second thought for whether he or his wife had time that night, he replied “Of course I will. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

His duties as a driver prevented him from looking at her even longer than he already did, which was good because he wasn’t sure that he wouldn’t lose himself in her eyes. She smiled at him almost timidly.

The rest of their drive back home was a rather quiet one. Both were occupied with their own thoughts, about the day they had and about the person that was sitting next to them. Before either of them was ready, they could already see the trees and her house. It would take entirely too long until they would see each other again and Kathleen could feel the conflict inside her. On the other hand, she knew she would miss his company more than she wanted to admit and felt sad to see him go, but part of her also felt relieved, hoping that time would help her get her feelings under control and get ahold of herself. If she allowed those feelings in, she would feel like a schoolgirl nursing a crush on the wrong guy at the wrong time and she could not allow it. With that in mind, she waved him goodbye after he had taken her home and, after watching him drive away, entered the empty house, still feeling his touch on her skin.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day of the ball has finally arrived. Kathleen and Samuel will see each other again for the first time since they broke into the National Archives and shared an intense moment. How will they react when they see each other again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a minute and a half since we last updated this story, but we are back with a new chapter and it's quite a long one, too. So, we hope you enjoy it! Thanks so much for the absolutely brilliant feedback you've given us so far! x

The weeks that followed their rather risky endeavour were truly a welcome distraction for Kathleen. Arranging a ball all by herself was always a challenge, but arranging it for so many people was something even Kathleen was intimidated by. Of course, she knew what to do, she was immaculate at it, but there were so many little details to consider that she felt as if her head was swimming by the end of each day with all the tasks she had yet to finish. She had to take care of the seating arrangements and make sure that nobody was seated next to someone they didn’t like, the food had to cater to everyone’s needs and the music had to be perfect. Nothing less than a string quartet would do. And, as for the beverages, to Kathleen’s chagrin, it turned out that her caterer had changed their supplier of champagne. This meant that she had yet to find a replacement who would serve the perfect champagne and wine.

 

By the time she still had two weeks left before the ball, she felt as if she were in a standstill. Everything appeared to be unfinished and nothing seemed to be falling into place. The only thing she already had was her dress and it was one of the prettiest dresses she had worn in recent years. It was a green, strapless satin gown that showed just enough cleavage to be enticing, but yet it was still very classy, so she could be sure to impress her guests. It hugged her waist beautifully and in just the right way. In fact, she hoped it wouldn’t feel too tight during the ball if she ate anything. From the waist down, the dress was really rather wide and it fell in beautiful waves like a perfect ball gown. She couldn’t even hide from herself the fact that she had chosen it with Samuel in mind. Kathleen was not generally a vain woman, nor did she spend much time thinking about her own appearance beyond always trying to look presentable, but this time she truly wanted to see Samuel’s face when he saw her in this dress, even knowing that he might not be able to say anything in front of all the other people. It was wrong, perhaps, to wish it but it had been too long since she had received that kind of attention from her own husband.

 

Besides, picking up the dress and falling asleep at night were the only times these days when she was able to think about Samuel at all. It was both a blessing and a curse. The work kept her from daydreaming of something that would and should never happen. But then she wanted to think about him and longed for those few minutes before she drifted off to sleep when she saw him in front of her inner eye, saw the intensity of his stare and the feel of him against her.

 

He generally was the last thing she thought about when she drifted off to sleep and the first thing she thought of when she woke up. With her husband being once against whisked off to London, she could at least keep the guilt over that at a minimum. It might have been much greater if he had been bustling around her all the time, talking about the guests, about the ball and about the Petrukhins themselves. The fact that he, too, had taken a liking to Samuel, in particular, did not help. It made her blush and feel even worse every time he mentioned him, oblivious to how much deeper his wife’s feelings for their friend went. Every time he would start talking about him and the staff locator, she would try and stay clear-headed, but seek a way out of that conversation as swiftly as possible.

 

On more than one occasion, unbeknownst to Kathleen, this behaviour had struck Aunt Mary as odd. She didn’t know why, but something about her niece’s reaction appeared to be off whenever Mr Petrukhin was mentioned. Once she even thought she could see her blush. But she couldn’t be certain. Usually any little mishap she thought she saw, if there even was one, was over as soon as it had happened. So, she tried not to think too much about it, dismissed the thought and usually put her focus back on the book she was reading.

 

Meanwhile, time was beginning to slip through Kathleen’s fingers as the day of the ball approached quicker than she was ready to accept. Before she knew it, it was the night before the ball. Everyone was hustling and bustling and applying finishing touches on everything, from the preparations for the food and drink to the decorations both inside and outside. Richard, too, had arrived by now and was thriving with anticipation. He would give a speech and only found the time now to actually finish and prepare for it. At least that kept him busy and didn’t give him too much room to start yet another conversation about one of their guests, Samuel in particular, much to Kathleen’s relief.

 

Now that everything was starting to be ready, her mind was again less occupied. Almost seamlessly, it shifted to the dangerous territory that was him. Tomorrow she would see him again, for the first time after their last encounter, when she had been closer to him than she had been to her husband in months, in some ways maybe even years. Samuel would see her in her dress tomorrow. And tomorrow she would have to act as if nothing had happened, which was true for the fact that hadn’t been said when they were pressed against each other in that corner in the National Archives.

 

She still wasn’t sure how she would face him in the midst of all the people she had invited, all those important men with their wives, watched by her husband and next to his wife, no less. But at the moment, she didn’t want to think about it. Instead, Kathleen took off her makeup and got ready for bed, not entirely sure what tomorrow might bring.

 

By the time the next morning rolled around, she was breathless with anticipation, not only for their meeting tonight but also for how smoothly everything would hopefully run. Her hopes for a decent conversation with Samuel weren’t high, but she still craved to be able to talk to him at least for a few minutes, even if it was just meaningless chatter.

 

With the plethora of different things she still had to check upon before tonight, she pushed him out of her mind again and once again became the image of a perfect hostess who took her work seriously. That also included getting ready herself, and when afternoon finally rolled around, it was high time for her to do just that.

 

The dress truly was exceptional. She had put it on at Madame Malkins already for a final fitting, but now with just the right makeup on, with the right accessories, she felt beautiful. Yet even while getting ready, she still had to fight her nerves getting the better of her. The nervous kind of energy that took over every time she met Samuel, was back. Her hands were shaking so badly at one point while getting ready, that she again had trouble putting in her earrings until she had scolded herself enough to calm down.

 

There was absolutely no way she could go on like this and let the electrical sparks that went through her interfere with her proper behaviour as Mrs Shaw. It was just Samuel. Just Samuel. Nothing more. At least that is what she tried to tell herself. After yet another attempt at composing herself, she took a deep breath and sprayed some perfume on herself, and then had one last look in the mirror. She didn’t just feel beautiful. She was beautiful. Satisfied with her appearance, she turned towards the door and, for a second, simply stared at it. If she exited now, there was no going back.

 

Putting on her best performance as a hostess, she opened the door and slowly and deliberately descended the stairs, trying to make a bit of an entrance for her guests while also letting her eyes sweep the hall, making note of who had arrived already. What she didn’t expect, however, was to see Samuel quite so soon.

 

She was in the middle of the staircase when she could feel a pair of eyes on herself. She had had her focus on her dress as not to step on it and accidentally stumble, but there was no need to look up to know why she suddenly felt watched. It must be him. There was no doubt about it. The tingle down her spine told her, it must be him.

 

When she looked up, at last, it was affirmed. Intense, deep blue eyes nearly seared through her. Her steps halted and she stared back, a small smile playing on her lips, before she averted her gaze, to avoid blushing even further. She had hoped for some kind of a reaction, but his reaction to be so strong, so intense, was even more than she had expected.

 

Samuel was the first to come to his senses. He broke out of his trance by greeting her, barely being able to conceal the huskiness in his voice. “Good evening, Mrs Shaw. I hope we aren’t too late.”

 

Only at the mention of the word _‘we’_ did Kathleen remember that he wasn’t alone. His wife, looking as nice and demure as ever, stood next to him. She smiled at the woman and offered her her hand to shake it, not really considering that this little private moment Kathleen had shared with her husband might have been noticed by someone else.

 

But unbeknownst to the hostess of the evening, it hadn’t gone unnoticed. Miriam had immediately noticed the shift in her husband’s attention as soon as he had spotted her in her green ball gown, floating down the stairs. For the moment, she tried not to read too much into it. She pinned his reaction and his adoration not on Kathleen as a person, but everything she represented.

 

The class, the sheer endless amounts of possibilities, the connections, the money and the charm that went along with it. She despised the whole pretence of trying to impress someone just because they were in a different class and inevitably they looked down on you because you just didn’t belong there. Miriam was sure he’d wake up from his daydream soon enough. Still, she couldn’t help but tighten despite everything and despise Kathleen for being the reason why her husband looked at her the way he did.

 

She couldn’t remember when he had looked at her in a similar way, where nothing in the world mattered but her. Swallowing back a taste of bile that threatened to rise up, she accepted Kathleen’s hand and tried to reciprocate the tender smile, not really managing to do so.

 

“Good evening! I am so glad you could come! I wasn’t sure if you would be able to make it, silly me asking you too late if you had gotten the invitation in the first place. Once again, I am so sorry.” Kathleen directed her conversation towards Mrs Petrukhin, not ready to get lost in his eyes once again.

 

“Oh, it’s quite alright. We should have replied much sooner and let you know.” The answer didn’t come from Mrs Petrukhin who hadn’t even gotten the chance to answer. Instead, Samuel had found the need to talk to her. It was small talk, he was very much aware of that, but he needed to look at her, have her eyes on him. Maybe it was selfish of him, but the need to talk to her, to be near her grew with every passing moment.

 

There she was. Her eyes were on him at last. She seemed a little unsure of what to do at first, but then she opted for the one thing she had done all her life, put up the image of the perfect hostess up, masking whatever was going on inside.

 

“Well, I am glad you both are here. There are quite a few people I want to introduce you to S … Mr Pethrukhin. Maybe they might come in handy for future endeavours with your staff locator.”

 

Kathleen had hoped to be able to catch herself before falling down into this rabbit hole even further. But the second she looked at him, she knew she was lost. There really was no way of pretending anymore. She liked Samuel beyond the borders of propriety. A lot more. In fact, at this point she wasn’t even sure if it wasn’t simply a crush, but whether she was actually falling in love with him. That thought scared her more than anything else. She wasn’t supposed to fall in love with someone else. She loved her husband. Or did she?

 

Still, she tried not to show it but be the hostess she was supposed to be. Unfortunately, when she took his hand to shake it as she would in her role as a hostess, another jolt of electricity shot up her spine, even reaching down to regions she really rather wanted to ignore at that moment. It did not take long, but even so, their hands lingered together just a moment longer than necessary. They were only interrupted when a very jovial Richard rounded the corner.

 

Kathleen pulled back her hand as if she was burned all of a sudden, ashamed of herself for showing such an amount of affection right in front of everyone. She cast her eyes on her husband and smiled, a little too broadly to her own liking. Somehow she had to make up for her mistake.

 

“Darling, there you are! Ahh, and you have found the Petrukhins. How very lovely to see you!” Richard really had taken a liking to Samuel. But as it seemed, he was oblivious to her feelings for the same man. She continued to smile at her husband, relieved of the fact that she had gotten away with yet another mishap.

 

“Indeed she has.” There was nothing Samuel wanted more than to strike a conversation with Mr Shaw, but he found it very difficult, having Kathleen stand so close to him, her perfume intoxicating his senses. He just hoped that his lack of a response would be put down to his shyness. He didn’t even dare to look at his wife who hadn’t uttered a word ever since their arrival. All he could do at the moment was to smile and hope for some fate of luck that would get him out of this bad fix.

 

As if Richard Shaw had answered his prayers, he turned to look at his wife and tucked at her arm, giving his best try to pry her away from the newly-arrived guests. ”Kathleen, dear, I need to steal you away for a second,” he said, starting to lead her away. “Do excuse us.” He turned back to address the Petrukhins. “We have to catch up later!” And with that, they were both soon gone and she had left behind nothing but a whiff of her perfume.

 

Samuel cleared his throat and looked at his wife, hoping she’d buy the casual facial expression he so desperately tried to put on. “Let’s go enter the lion’s den.” Samuel attempted a joke to relieve the tension he was about to burst from.

 

“I feel absolutely underdressed,”  Miriam mumbled under her breath, throwing an insecure glance around herself, not really having picked up on the extent of the nervous undercurrent that had transpired between her husband and the hostess.

 

“You look lovely tonight, Miriam,” Samuel replied in a whisper to help increase his wife’s confidence and put his hand on the small of her back to walk into the big, glamorous ballroom.

 

He had been in the Shaws’ home before, but that still hadn’t prepared him for the sight he was presented with now. The room was grand, with a high ceiling. It was lit with a chandelier and warm, indirect light. There were quite a few places to sit with name tags, too, as he noticed, duvets and chairs and even a string quartet. But nevertheless, the majority of the room was free of any furniture. That would mean there would be dancing tonight indeed. There were footmen with canapés in all shapes and sizes. Others like the one whom they met when they had entered the room, offered champaign. There also was a bar with wine as Samuel had guessed.

 

He felt like a fish out of water. Judging from the way his wife hung onto his arm, it was even worse with her. There was absolutely no one in this room that he knew. How this would help his future with his staff locator was beyond him. When the butler had asked him if he wanted champagne, he had declined. Now, however, he wished he hadn’t. A bit of alcohol might lower his inhibitions and make it easier to talk to some of these important-looking men. But he didn’t dare turn around and get a glass now. Not so soon anyway.

 

“I am so sorry, to have left so abruptly,” a voice breezed in, penetrating his mind. “You must think I am the worst hostess. You don’t even know anyone here yet. Let me introduce you to some of these people.”

 

It was Kathleen. She arrived a little after Samuel and his wife had entered the room, after observing them from afar. It didn’t help with her guilt in the least bit. Quite on the contrary. Every time she thought of Samuel, her husband crossed her mind as well. It ate away at her, slowly but steadily, despite the fact that she tried to block out those thoughts. But until now, she had still been able to keep the guilt at bay. There was nothing indecent she had done. Moreover, she liked to think of Samuel as an individual. It was easier to disregard his marital status, just to ease her conscience. Or at least to fool it.

 

But her tactics began crumbling when she saw him together with his wife. She couldn’t, however, let herself be deterred by that. Not tonight of all nights, because it was vital that tonight was a success. It was important to her husband, and therefore it was important to her. There was no way around her duties. So, she had taken a deep breath and followed the Petrukhins in, determined to include them just as much as the others. If it helped Samuel with his business, the night would be even more successful. Once again, she caught her mind steering in his direction. It was absolutely impossible. She could not keep thinking about him all the time.

 

The wife’s presence did actually help dampen her thoughts at least. It made it easier to keep up her role of the hostess without slipping once again, as she had done earlier. Fulfilling her earlier promise, she introduced Samuel and his wife to some of the who-is-who of the upper class, politicians, members of the military, lobbyists and fellow businessman. At the same time, this gave Kathleen the opportunity to catch up with everyone, do small talk here, get some new information there. The perfect distraction, from the maddeningly attractive man standing only meters away from her. With his wife, she kept reminding herself.

 

Before long, her duties demanded her to move on, to open the ball with the first dance. In this instance, she would dance with Sir Walter Altringham. She had known him for years through her aunt, even before she had married Richard. She had never been quite sure if he was as old as Aunt Mary or if he was older. Fact was, however, that he knew everyone, got access to everything and could pull some strings even at his age if he wanted to do so. Rumour had it, that even the Prince of Wales sought his advice because of his high standing, his connections and the experience he had undoubtedly garnered.

 

“I must say, you absolutely outdid yourself tonight, Kathleen,” Walter commented once he led her to the middle of the room, the string quartet ready to play Tchaikovsky, as soon the hostess was on the dance floor with the guest of honour. For Kathleen, this was business as usual, and she didn’t even see all the eyes anymore that looked on them, some marvelling, some waiting until it was finally their turn.

 

What she also didn’t notice was Samuel. For once that evening, her mind was preoccupied with other things, the dance, the other guests and making sure that everything was just right. Samuel hadn’t been quite as successful. He had tried to get into contact with some of the guests and he did, more or less fruitfully so. The last person he had talked to was a politician who had seemed mildly interested in his invention. Why was beyond him. That very man was still standing next to him when Kathleen opened the dance with Sir Walter. He wouldn’t immediately have even noticed since he had had his back to the dance floor if it hadn’t been for that very man who was compelled with admiration for her.

 

“Isn’t she simply marvellous?” the man asked. It was more of a rhetorical question, however. Samuel was glad for it.

 

To him, she wasn’t just marvellous. She was perfect. In every sense of the word. The way she glided across the dance floor and was the image of elegance and class was obvious to everyone. But even beyond that, there was something so undeniably attractive about her. It wasn’t just physical attraction either. Samuel was very much aware of how beautiful Kathleen was and how much he craved to be with her, to be close to her and to touch her. But that wasn’t the extent of it. Her mind, her character and simply the way she approached things were simply perfect. He was treading on thin ice and he knew it. Still, there was nothing he could or would do about it. At the moment he was one of many men who were simply rendered speechless by her, with the difference that he actually had had her pressed against him once before.

 

When the soft murmur in the room rose in volume once again and more people seemed to be drawn to follow her suit, Samuel noticed that he had been so transfixed that he hadn’t noticed how the man who had been standing next to him had bid him goodbye and left. Most probably to dance with some conquest of his.

 

“Sam, I need to step out for a minute,” his wife had reappeared after having found a couple of women she seemed to have had a good time with. Samuel merely nodded and only vaguely looked into her direction, watching her leave the room but not really having eyes for anything else, but what he had just witnessed.

 

Kathleen, meanwhile, hadn’t noticed all the attention from all the various men and women in the room. She was so used to hosting, being the centre of attention with her parties that this was part of the job description. On top of that, she did rather enjoy dancing.

 

Now that the dance was over, however, her eyes immediately scanned the room for Samuel. She found him standing a little off centre, looking rather lost. Oh, what she’d do to be able to just spend a few moments with him, away from the crowd. But alas that was quite a dangerous thought. Instead, she opted for the next best thing while trying not to make a fool of herself once again.

 

“Sam… Mr Petrukhin, where is your champagne?” she finally asked once she had reached him, avoiding any conversation that anyone else might try and trap her in. That seemed to do the trick. For a second he looked at her like a deer caught in headlights, before she had pulled him back to the here and now. Clearly, he had been wrapped up in something else entirely, but as much as it itched her to ask him what that thing had been, it was neither her place to do so nor the proper time to ask him.

 

“I haven’t had any yet, I’m afraid. I need to keep a clear head, as our driver has been taken ill.” That was only half the truth. It would have been possible for them to take a taxi instead, but Samuel needed to keep a clear head around her, especially in this setting, otherwise, he would not trust himself uttering some truths he might regret revealing later.

 

“Surely one glass won’t do any harm, will it?” Her question was so innocent and pure, Samuel couldn’t help but smile at her and nod. Kathleen really had an absolutely disarming quality about her, he added to the list of things he loved about her.

 

Samuel should have been shocked by the fact that he didn’t even think of her in terms of a very good friend anymore, but rather as someone he was in love with. But he wasn’t. The feeling had slowly but steadily crept inside his bones and had somehow already become part of his DNA. Fooling himself of feeling anything different would have been absurd.

 

Unaware of the raging thoughts in his mind, she quickly turned around and took two glasses of champagne from the tray of a nearby butler, handing the other one over to Samuel. Kathleen, however, didn’t have it any easier than he did. She was fighting her own surge of emotions and thoughts that always seemed to emerge whenever he was near her, taking over her mind completely. Fighting it almost seemed futile. But she had to. She just had to. There was absolutely no question about it.

 

Still, they both felt the same warm energy fill their bodies as Samuel took the offered drink from Kathleen’s hand and their fingers accidentally grazed each other over the stem of the glass. The touch was as light as a feather, and just as fleeting, but for a moment all they could do was to look at each other before Kathleen quickly withdrew her hand and cast her eyes downwards again.

 

Samuel finally took a sip of the sparkling beverage. He usually didn’t favour champagne but he needed some liquid courage, for what he was about to ask her. They both sipped at their respective drinks, afraid to say something that might compromise them until Samuel finally decided to ask her at last.

 

“Mrs Shaw, would you do me the honour of dancing with me?” He had tried to stay formal to fit the occasion, but he wasn’t entirely sure if he had succeeded. She seemed to consider her answer and for the fragment of a second, he feared she would decline. But before he could continue with that train of thought, she gave him a tender smile and put down her still half-full glass of champagne.

 

“I’d love to,” she said almost breathlessly and he let out the breath he had been holding ever since he had asked that question in the first place.

 

This was a ball, people danced. That was the purpose. Still, Kathleen had actually not expected to be asked to dance by Samuel of all people. For some reason, her mind simply hadn’t made that connection. She also knew why. As soon as they were close to each other, it was as if he had set her on fire, she lost control over her thoughts and delved into dangerous territory that involved much more than merely being close together. But even if she could, she wouldn’t want to get out of this situation now. In fact, she wished they could stay like this forever.

 

So, she took his hand and he led her on the dance floor. They were surrounded by other couples dancing, but neither of them really noticed anything around each other. All Kathleen could feel, see and think about was Samuel. The way he had his hand on the small of her back, sending shock-waves of heat right through her body. The way they danced closer together than was strictly necessary, simply because they craved the contact and as if through some mutual agreement, neither was willing to adhere to the rules of society. The way he led her, confident and caring, and simply the way he looked at her as if she was the most beautiful thing in the world was something Kathleen hadn’t experienced in years.

 

And in Samuel’s eyes, she really was all that. Dancing with her, looking into her mesmerising eyes, observing her every facial expression and move, his senses being invaded by her perfume and being absolutely intoxicated by her, made it almost impossible for him not to kiss her right here on the dance floor. Only the fact that they were in a public space, surrounded by people, dampened that desire and cleared his head a little. Dancing with her should be enough for now and he never wanted it to end.

 

None of the guests seemed to care or notice Kathleen and Samuel’s rather intimate dance. Nobody but Aunt Mary. She had always been a very observant woman, one who liked to look out for her niece. All evening, she had seemed rather jittery. But she had put it down to the stress of organising such a grand ball and tending to all the guests. Now, however, as she saw her dancing with Mr Petrukhin, she wasn’t so sure anymore.

 

There was more to them than met the eye. Everything seemed perfectly charming and in order, Kathleen tended to her guests, all of them. But Mary simply couldn’t help but notice the way the two looked at each other. The more she observed them, the more suspicious she grew. They didn’t dance so close to each other as to make it truly improper, but they did stand closer together than many others, the way he held her and kept on grazing his thumb over that little patch of her back told her to have a closer look on this whole situation.

 

Either Kathleen was close to doing something extremely foolish or she had at least thought about it. Aunt Mary couldn’t be sure. But she would try and find out. With that plan in mind, she signalled one of the waiters with the champagne to come to her.

 

All too soon the string quartet stopped, which announced the end of their little moment. Both Kathleen and Samuel felt rather flushed and Kathleen deeply hoped that nobody else would notice the state she found herself in. She stared at him for a moment longer, when she suddenly heard one of the guests ask her about the whereabouts of her husband.

 

“... Richard’s speech is due and we simply cannot find him,” a fellow MP informed her. Her content and dreamy moment found a sudden halt. It was as if someone had showered her with a bucket of ice-cold water. Gone was the feeling of being held by Samuel. What she was feeling now was pure anxiety and horror. Her mind threatened to go numb. Why would this happen tonight of all nights?

 

She looked at the man who awaited an answer. “I am sure he will be here in no time. But just to make sure he hasn’t lost track of time, I will have a look for him myself.”

 

Kathleen had sounded more reassuring than she felt. The panic that was rising up like a tidal wave was threatening to engulf her altogether. But she couldn’t let herself be overpowered. Not now. She needed to find her husband. With that, she excused herself from the two confused men and left the room as quickly as she could, without coming off as suspicious.

 

If he had one of his bouts, it would be nearly impossible to track him down, since he could be literally anywhere, from his bedroom right down to their extensive garden. So, for a moment, Kathleen stood in the hall uncertain as to where she should head off to first. Her choice fell on the garden.

 

Nothing but darkness welcomed her in the vast grounds of their property, however. Absolutely nothing suggested that her husband might have been here at all. Kathleen looked around frantically, hoping to see her husband or at least a sign of him somewhere before someone else did. They would be utterly ruined if anyone found out about his mental instability. The very thought of it made her walk even faster. Her mind was reeling and it impaired her ability to focus on anything but the sheer hope to have him appear right in front of her all of a sudden.

 

Just when she had stopped again to look around, albeit seeing and hearing absolutely nothing but the distant chatter from the house, she thought she heard someone call for her. She turned around to the direction of where she had heard the voice. There it was again.

 

“Mrs Shaw! Your husband just turned up! You needn’t look for him any further… Mrs Shaw!”

 

It was one of the waiters who had obviously been given the task to go and look for her. At that moment, she was eternally grateful that the darkness of the night had engulfed her and made it impossible for the young man to decipher her facial features, for she wasn’t sure she did a very good job at hiding the myriad of emotions that came crashing down on her. Still, emotions had to take a backseat for now. Instead, she took in a shaky breath to collect herself, thanked him and followed the man back inside.

 

True to the waiter’s word, there he was. Her husband. In his full pride and glory, joking, charming his guests and giving a compelling speech, which had everyone in the room hang onto his very lips. Kathleen, on the other hand, couldn’t join in on the laughter and the fascination. It was as if nothing had happened. Nothing at all.

 

Kathleen didn’t register his words and neither could she decipher the meaning of all the other sounds around her. It all just became indistinct background noise, while everything around her seemed to slow down. It was all too much. She had been living with his secret for too long. It had always been expected of her to just shoulder the burden and get on with her life. But sometimes she wondered how she could continue like this, living in fear of being exposed, of becoming an outcast. Her husband never saw what he did to her with this. It had become such an integral part of her life that she sometimes couldn’t imagine what life would be like if she didn’t have his secret to hide.

 

But there were other times when his behaviour was the last straw that broke the camel’s back. Just that in this particular case, she was the camel, and tonight was one of those times. Her anxiety and desperation of finding him had turned into anger at him and the whole situation, of being robbed that one piece of happiness she had allowed herself to feel. Now that he was up there, pretending that nothing had happened, everything seemed to be crashing down on her.

 

Her vision was disfigured and the only thing she saw, as if through a fish-eye lense, was Richard standing up there, saying something unintelligible as the sound in her ear had become nothing but white noise and the blood was pounding in her ears. She needed to get out of there, away from the crowd. All of the emotions she had been able to keep under control, now seemed to be slipping through her fingers like sand and threatened to crash down on her.

 

Her heart thudded in her chest. It was almost as if it wanted to jump right out of her ribcage. She had barely made it outside of the ballroom and back to the little secluded corner she usually used to telephone people or read, when she clutched her trembling hands around her middle to hold herself, breathing hard. It didn’t become any easier as she had hoped. She dug her nails in the sides of her waist while sitting on the little couch, crouching forward, trying in any way to reign in her panic. But it didn’t help. The hard breaths turned into sobs, which she had no way of holding back anymore. Her whole body was shaking with emotions.

 

Her breakdown could have so easily been glossed over with the excuse of needing some air if it hadn’t been for one man who had noticed her behaviour and decided to follow her. Samuel. It had been peculiar to him. Her sudden disappearance could be put down to her looking for her husband. Yet her expression when she left had told a whole different story. There had been more to it than someone merely looking for Richard. Then she had come back and tried to act her role of the supportive wife and yet again, he could see a crack in the usually immaculate mask.

 

For a second he hadn’t even been sure that she wouldn’t faint. Going to her, offering her his support had been impossible in this room full of people, so he had opted for the next best thing, observe her and wait for a moment to check in on her. When some joke of Richard’s had roused tumultuous laughter, he had tried to join in as not to stick out like a sore thumb and raise an eyebrow or two and looked at Richard for a second. The next moment, when he had wanted to see how Kathleen was faring, she had vanished. At first, he had tried to look around as unobtrusively as he could, wondering if she was simply standing somewhere else now. But she had truly left the room. That’s when he had his suspicions confirmed. Something definitely wasn’t right and that worried him.

 

Samuel waited for another second before slipping out of the room as quietly as possible, his wife completely forgotten. He needed to find Kathleen. If it was appropriate to do this, was secondary at the moment. Yet there was one problem. It was a big house and he had absolutely no idea in which direction she could have headed off to. She might even have gone to her bedroom, and even in a situation like this, it would be inappropriate for him to enter it. But then, he had no idea where her bedroom was in the first place.

 

He decided to just go straight ahead, and with a bit of luck, he might just find her. Otherwise, he could still look for her outside. Whilst he was treading through the house carefully, as he might enter rooms that were private and not for the public to enter, and as he didn’t want to startle her either, he made his way through the rather lengthy hallway barely being able to breathe, until he heard something. Heart-wrenching sobs that were Kathleen’s rippled the silence of this area of the house. He slowed his steps and looked around the corner. There she was. Sitting on the couch in the relative dark, unable to contain any of her sobs.

 

Without thinking, Samuel moved towards her. When she saw movement, she looked up shocked to see him, her eyes swollen, her cheeks wet with tears and an expression on her face that tugged at Samuel’s heartstrings. Before she could think of anything and come up with some kind of an excuse, he sat down next to her and put his arms around her, wanting nothing more than to take away her pain.

 

There was no strength left in her body to resist him. Therefore she did the one thing her heart desired the most at the moment: let him comfort her. She fell into his arms, wrapped her arms around his neck and cried into his chest.

 

She wasn’t sure how long they had been staying there. The only thing she knew was that she never wanted to leave the warmth and security of his strong arms. She was totally and completely engulfed by him, through his embrace, his smell and his thumbs making circles on her back, soothing her in a way that finally stopped her tears from running down her face and dampening his suit. Never in her life had she ever been taken care of quite in such a loving, tender way. Never.

 

“I am sorry, for ruining your evening. You should have stayed with the other guests,” she sniffled at last when she had prised herself from him, another tear rolling down her face. She feared what she might find in his eyes, once she looked into them. Not that she was afraid to show him even more of her vulnerable side, but she feared the nervous energy that surged through her even at the thought of meeting his gaze, and she knew that if she looked into his eyes, everything else around her would be forgotten. Concern and tenderness marked his face when she finally dared to look up at him.

 

“Don’t worry about that, Kath,” the nickname had come over his lips so naturally as if he had always called her that. Kathleen looked at him in wonder. This name was usually reserved for private moments with her husband, so to hear it from anyone else was something she had never expected. But she liked it. She liked Samuel using that name. There was something intimate about it. She locked her eyes with his and now she saw something else. Something much more intense and much more dangerous. Yet she couldn’t look away from him. Instead, her gaze quickly fell on his lips and she knew he had noticed it.

 

A few tears were still rolling down her face. Samuel had lost any willpower to resist her. He let his thumb graze over her cheek as he slid the tears away and leaned forward. His lips brushed hers. Kathleen knew that if she didn’t pull away now, she would lose herself in him. She couldn’t think straight anymore. He had invaded her senses. She was utterly lost in him.

 

Their kiss was slow, tender and comforting at first, while the world around them fell away. Nothing existed but the two of them. His lips on hers. His hands still caressing her now dried cheek, while she let her fingers run through his hair. He pulled her closer so that there was no space left between them and she could feel his heart beating wildly against her chest. Her reaction was almost immediate.

 

Her breathing was laboured but feeling him so close to him, gave her one moment of absolute clarity. They were in a semi-public space, continuing what they’d been doing was wrong. So, she slid her hands down to his chest and pushed herself away from him, if only for a few millimetres. She had to get some control over back.

 

“No, Sam. Just hold me, please,” Kathleen breathed and leaned back into him, averting his mouth this time. Her need of kissing him until the end of days was almost too great, but it was all going to be messy enough as it was, without going even further. As if to convince herself as well as him that this was the right thing to do, she mumbled into his shoulder “That’s it.”

 

But Samuel couldn’t stop. He was intoxicated by her. He needed her. So, Kathleen’s low resistance was quickly crumbling away once more. She’d needed to be held, but then the need to keep kissing him was greater.

 

“That’s not just holding is it?” she whimpered as she could feel his lips on her neck before he directed his mouth on hers again.

 

“Oh God, Samuel” she moaned into another of his kisses. He diverted his attention onto her neck and began peppering it with kisses until he had reached her pulse point. A gasp of both pleasure and surprise came as an answer to his soft groan.

 

Her entire body was on fire and only reacted to him. Her nerves were electrified. She needed his lips on hers again. It was as if she was dying of thirst and he was the one pool that could satisfy her needs. She bent her head and pulled his lips back on hers. This time it was more passionate, more urgent. His irresistible mouth was slowly parting her lips, sending wild tremors up and down her spine, inflicting sensations she had never felt before and hadn’t even been aware she was capable of feeling. She kissed him back, deepened the kiss, desperate to get lost in it, when a noise brought them to a sudden halt and they looked around alerted, coming down from their frenzy and trying to determine in their haze what the source could have been. Their breathing was still laboured. But there was nothing and no one to be seen.

 

Just then they heard slow footsteps and both immediately tried to get some space in between them. Kathleen was just glad for the semi-darkness. If that person would see her in a normal light, their cover would have been blown. Her lips were red and swollen, her cheeks felt hot, her breathing was just becoming normal again but her hands were still trembling.

 

“There you are. I have been looking all over for you. Richard was looking for you. Oh, Mr Petrukhin, your wife looked quite lost back there, too.” It was Aunt Mary. Her voice was soft and pleasant and absolutely nothing suggested that she might have witnessed them just now. Still, Kathleen was tense and had to stop her hands from fidgeting in her lap with nervousness. She waited for the executioner’s axe to drop down on her. But nothing came. She just smiled. Or did she? Kathleen couldn’t tell, the butterflies in her stomach and the pounding in temples paralysing her for the time being.

 

Just then she heard Samuel clear his throat and she looked at him. “Thank you, ma’am. I think I should go and look for her. We might need to head off back home anyway.” He looked at Aunt Mary, being as formal as he could muster given the fact that she had nearly caught them in flagrante and he really hadn’t wanted to stop kissing Kathleen. He could keep on kissing her for the rest of his days. But alas this was impossible, he now opted for the most elegant way out to save his and her reputation.

 

“Thank you very much for a most delightful evening,” Samuel had turned around and looked at Kathleen now. She knew it was just an act for aunt Mary, but the gleam in his eye told her that he really meant it. She didn’t want him to go, but what else was there? So, she did the only sensible thing, got up and extended her hand for him to take, while playing along.

 

“The delight is all mine. Have a safe trip home and you must come back soon.” A smile tugged at his lips, while he shook her hand. At last, he turned around, bid goodbye to her aunt and then he was gone. Only the last traces of his cologne still lingered behind.

 

The smile that had been on Aunt Mary’s face disappeared as soon as Samuel had left. Instead, disappointment and slight traces of anger had taken its place. Kathleen hadn’t been wrong after all. She had seen more than she had let on around Samuel.

 

“Kathleen, I think you forget you who you are. You are the wife of an MP, a member of one of the most prestigious families around and the hostess of the evening. Do I actually need to remind you of your place?”

 

Her words were harsh but not cold. She looked very serious as she spoke, but there was sympathy, too, behind her watchful eyes. Kathleen knew it was what she needed to hear, but it was a conversation she wasn’t ready to have yet.

 

“No, I haven’t forgotten it,” she said, meeting her aunt’s eyes, her voice trembling only a little as she tried to keep her head held high. “In fact, I am painfully aware of it every day. More than you think.”

 

“Kathleen..” her aunt started, her tone much kinder already.

 

“As you said, I have guests to attend to,” Kathleen cut her off, even less ready to face her aunt’s sympathy.

 

With that, she stood up and walked past the older woman, pausing only for a moment in the corridor to fix a smile on her face before she stepped back into the ballroom to once again fulfil her duties as the perfect hostess.

  



	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathleen can't stop thinking about the kiss. Yet something has to be done about it. She has to get over him. Will she manage to do that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we hope you brought some time because this chapter is a long one.

In the days that followed, Kathleen had trouble focusing on anything but the kiss, the way his lips had felt and how his tongue had danced around hers. Every now and again she forcefully had to shake herself from those memories. Only the watchful eyes of her aunt and the babbling and planning of her husband and his imminent departure back to London grounded her and kept her from drifting off into some surreal fantasy.

 

“Kathleen, dear!” her husband chuckled as he came walking towards the patio. “What’s going on in your head? You seemed miles away.”

 

Indeed, Kathleen hadn’t noticed him return from his walk to the donkeys. Richard was absolutely mad about those animals and whenever he was at home, he’d visit them daily. He wouldn’t let anyone else feed them, they were that precious to him. Usually, this would take up quite a bit of his day. That in turn, meant that she must have been sitting out here fantasizing about Samuel for even longer than she had actually allowed herself to in the recent days. With a pang of guilt, she shook off the last remaining memories of the other man’s taste and looked up at her husband, shielding her eyes from the sun. 

 

“Nothing in particular,” she evaded. They never really talked about feelings or had deep, meaningful conversations these days, so she knew he’d accept her reply questionless. Instead, she changed the topic almost seamlessly.

 

“How are the donkeys?”

 

“Oh, they are alright. In fact, I think one of the females might be in foal, lucky gal.” His delight at this piece of news was something that made almost everything else seem unimportant. She smiled at his joy and poured him some of the homemade lemonade. 

 

It was their last evening together before he would go back to London for a couple of days and as spiteful as it made her feel, she was glad for some time for herself, just to think, to process and contemplate what the other night with Samuel would mean for the future of their friendship. The word seemed weirdly unsuitable now, even in her head. She took another sip of her lemonade and looked out on the fields, keeping her gaze away from her husband to protect herself from unwanted questions or a conversation that would disrupt her thoughts.

 

Richard didn’t seem to mind. He was basking in the tranquillity of the garden that not even the tweets of birds would interrupt. The only sound to be heard was the humming of the bees. Kathleen once again returned to her own little beehive of thoughts. What was one to do in a situation like that? Her aunt had been quite right. A woman in her position and of her reputation, shouldn’t even be entertain such a train of thought in the first place. Nobody had ever advised her what the right thing to do or to say was if you happened to fall in love with a man that wasn’t your husband and you actually gave in to your desires with said man. It simply wasn’t proper, as her mother would have put it. Yet, how could all of them just pretend that those things couldn’t happen? 

 

She had fallen in love with Samuel, she was hyper-aware of the fact. He had brought her back to life, shown her an aspect of herself and her life she had almost forgotten. It was as if she was Sleeping Beauty who had been brought out of her slumber by him. He was the one that showed her how beautiful life could be. But not her life. Perhaps it could have been her life in an alternate universe. But it definitely was not a reality for her. Since she was not ready to face this kind of heartbreak yet, she kept going back to the kiss. 

 

Still, it was heartbreaking to pretend to not care about Samuel Petrukhin as much as she did, when it was nearly all she could seem to think about. She took a deep breath before she tried to tear herself away from all of this.

 

“Richard, I’m going inside, have a look at how dinner’s fairing, and then change.”

 

“I’m coming right along, I still have one or two things to pack.”

 

With that, Kathleen finally stood up and brushed her dress that was clinging to her thighs from the heat by now.

 

Her house was like a cool shelter from the hot summer weather outside, it also brought a cooling effect to the heated thoughts she had indulged in for most of the day, as she was met with her aunt who had refused to sit outside.

 

“Aunt Mary, would it be okay for you if we ate a little earlier than usual tonight? Richard has to get up early…” Kathleen trailed off, not really expecting to finish her sentence. 

 

“Why, certainly, dear. But are you quite alright? You’ve already asked me this earlier today.”

 

Kathleen tried to hide her embarrassment and made an attempt at changing the subject. Still, she could not fight a blush and could only hope that her aunt wouldn’t notice. “I - um - yes, everything is alright. The heat.. must have gotten to me.” 

 

Even to her ears, this sounded lame and not convincing at all. The weak smile she had added to her excuse, didn’t really make things any better. 

 

Aunt Mary’s scrutiny told her what she had almost expected. She hadn’t bought it. “Kathleen, dear, what’s on your mind?” She had dropped her voice an octave, her concern for her niece evident. The woman in front of her was still standing, hoping she could be anywhere else but where she was right now. Despite her efforts to remain as normal and unfazed, and her attempt to look into the old woman’s worried eyes, she had a hard time in doing so. She averted her gaze. 

 

The older woman had been something of a surrogate mother to Kathleen ever since her own mother had passed away. Aunt Mary knew her better than anyone else. Even if she couldn’t talk about a lot of things, just because you didn’t, her Aunt always knew what was going on. Sometimes she was so shockingly honest that Kathleen wondered how they could be related.

 

“Nothing…” Kathleen’s words faded away when she looked at her aunt once again, seeing that excuses would not help her out of this. Instead, she finally sat down next to her aunt, trying not to twist her fingers in her lap to prevent making her unease even more apparent. After a moment’s pause, during which Kathleen tried to gather her thoughts while keeping her focus on her fingers, she looked up. 

 

For the fragment of a second, Aunt Mary could see how torn and lost Kathleen looked before she masked her emotions with a blanket of false confidence. “I think I need to be alone for a night, go to the cottage, collect my thoughts.”

 

“That’s a very sensible idea, dear. I can’t help you with whatever is going on, but being away for a night might be just what you need.” Aunt Mary smiled at her sympathetically and as an afterthought added: “If I can give you some advice. I would go sooner rather than later if I were you.”

 

Kathleen contemplated the words for a moment before she truly looked at her aunt. “Thank you.” 

 

Aunt Mary gave her an encouraging smile and squeezed Kathleen’s hand. “Everything will be fine.”  With a curt nod and intake of breath, Kathleen got up and made her way to the kitchen to finally check on the status of dinner.

 

That evening, Aunt Mary’s words kept rolling around in Kathleen’s mind. It was almost impossible to shut off her mind. Her husband was engrossed in a book and didn’t notice his wife’s absent-mindedness. 

 

Up until that point, Aunt Mary had thought the thing between Kathleen and Samuel had been a momentary infatuation, that ultimately resulted in that very heated kiss. But looking at her niece now, lost in thoughts and bringing her reaction back to mind, she wasn’t quite so sure anymore if it was only a fleeting attraction of two completely different people or if her feelings were running deeper than that.

 

When Kathleen bid them goodnight and was the first one to turn in a bit later, Aunt Mary was almost certain she was right with her suspicion and a mixture of concern and realisation flicked across her face. Her niece’s feelings were running much deeper. Once the idea struck her, Aunt Mary could hardly believe she had not seen it before. She, who prided herself in how well she knew her niece, had really thought that Kathleen would ever behave so wantonly as to risk her own and her family’s reputation for a simple infatuation. No, Aunt Mary thought, whatever she had stumbled upon at the ball could only be a culmination of something that had been growing for much longer and she could only resolve now to keep a close eye on her niece and hope that whatever had started would end before a scandal would expose it.

  
  


The next morning, soon after breakfast, both aunt and niece bid farewell to Richard as he set off for London. The driver was expected to return with the car within a few hours, and during that time, Kathleen began preparing for her own departure. There was not much to pack for only one night away and, with her aunt staying at home, there were not too many instructions to be left for the servants either. Still, somehow, even the simplest tasks seemed to demand more of her attention than she felt herself able to give.

 

Aunt Mary watched all this from a distance and let Kathleen disappear into her own world until, when the time for the driver to return drew near, she finally approached her niece who had already withdrawn to the garden to wait.

 

“Everything ready?” she asked, aware that her arrival had startled Kathleen out of yet another reverie. 

 

Her niece blushed and, looking self-conscious, began smoothing the fabric of her dress over her lap. “Oh, yes, quite ready,” she replied, sitting up very straight and speaking with affected cheerfulness. “It turns out there’s only so much one needs for just one night away.”

 

“And what about food?” Aunt Mary asked, fully aware that Kathleen had not once made her way down to the kitchen during the day.

 

“What about it?” Kathleen frowned.

 

“You will leave here after lunch, I imagine, and will certainly not be back before lunch tomorrow, perhaps only arriving for dinner,” her aunt reminded her. “Will you not need something to eat?”

 

“Oh.” Kathleen’s mouth formed an almost perfect ‘O’. She had not even thought of food but now that Aunt Mary had mentioned it, she felt extremely foolish for having overlooked something so obvious. Of course there was nothing to eat at the cabin. She would be lucky to find even a packet of old crackers from before the war.

 

“I see your mind has been elsewhere,” Aunt Mary saw an opportunity to broach the one subject they had both been avoiding all day. “You have been thinking of him, have you not?” she asked gently.

 

Kathleen blushed, unable to deny it to her aunt who already seemed to know the answer.

 

“What am I to do?” she asked instead, almost relieved to be able to talk of it out loud, and yet at the same time feeling ashamed that there was anything to talk about. “I know how wrong it is and yet I cannot stop thinking about him.”

 

She looked down at her hands on her lap, waiting to receive her aunt’s scolding. Instead, she felt her hand on her shoulder.

 

“You already know what you must do Kathleen,” she said kindly. “You only need to find a way to do it. Perhaps this time alone at the cabin will help you see it more clearly. Think of Richard and everything you have been through together.”

 

If only the thought of Richard didn’t make her heart ache more for Samuel, Kathleen thought despondently and then scolded herself for such a thought.

 

As if reading her mind, her aunt continued: “I know it’s not easy, but it is marriage. And whether we like it or not, people like us can never un-marry.” She let her words sink in and the added: “Come now, child. I have already spoken to the kitchen maid and they will prepare a basket for you. You just wait here until Henry is back with the car.”

 

The wait for Henry’s return might not have been longer than fifteen minutes, but it definitely felt much longer to Kathleen. Every minute seemed to stretch and whenever she checked the clock, it only seemed to mock her. On top of it all, she could feel Aunt Mary’s burning looks of pity and concern. If it had been an option, Kathleen would have walked by the time she came out once again to check with Kathleen if their driver had arrived yet. She was sure her aunt didn’t mean it that way, but she felt judged and constantly observed, like an animal in a zoo. 

 

She sighed in relief when she heard the crunching of gravel before seeing the car finally turn up. It had been a good idea to get away to clear her head, finally having nobody who was watching over her, analyzing her every move. 

 

“Don’t forget your basket!” Aunt Mary reminded her once again when Kathleen had already made it half-way down the steps. 

 

“Of course, thank you,” Kathleen said absent-mindedly while turning around to the older lady. It really was time to leave and be alone and safe in a room where she would be surrounded by nothing but her own thoughts. Where she didn’t have to do anything or consider anyone.

 

Henry had merely nodded at her request and was now driving her to the remote little cottage, throwing her one curious look through the rear-view mirror when she got in the car and only gave him a small smile. 

 

Kathleen barely registered their drive to the little cabin in the woods. Her thoughts were everywhere and nowhere at the same time. She could only hope that her mind would be a little clearer in the morning, with some outlook on what she was to do and how she was to handle her feelings for Samuel. 

 

At the moment, however, the only clear thing was the feel of the wicker basket on her lap, everything else was a blur. Only when they approached the forest, Kathleen’s thoughts seemed to slow down. This forest had always had that effect on her. Even when she was younger, she had needed nature and especially those trees to just calm down, refocus and regroup. Even now, when only approaching them, she felt that instant power this place seemed to have over her. 

 

As the car slowly approached the little cottage, a nervous excitement came over her. She couldn’t remember the last time she had done something for herself, where she didn’t have to worry about someone else’s well being first. This in itself had an almost cleansing effect on her and her mind. 

 

“Ma’am, you will have to walk the rest. I can’t turn the car in front of the house. I hope you don’t mind.” Henry pulled her out of her reverie.

 

“Oh, certainly. Thank you so much, Henry. I can manage from here. You needn’t pick me up again tonight. But you would have to pick me up tomorrow sometime after lunch, maybe around 2 pm.”

 

“Certainly, Mrs Shaw.” And with that, her driver stepped out of the car to open the door for her. With a nod, she thanked him and set off towards the little cottage, breathing in the clean air of the forest. It had been a good idea to come here. There was absolutely nothing here, but herself and perhaps some animals.

 

The way to the cottage wasn’t a long one. In fact, she had arrived at the lion that hid the key in a matter of minutes. She put her small suitcase and basket of food down on the porch, opened the door with the key and then put it back where it belonged before picking up her things again and stepping inside.

 

Kathleen has barely made it beyond the doorstep before she could sense that something was not right. There were no lights on, but she thought she had heard a sound as if somebody had moved somewhere inside.

 

“H-hello?” she spoke timidly but almost no sound came out of her mouth. The door had borne no signs of a break-in, but she had not looked at any of the windows beyond what she could see from the front. She hadn’t even looked behind the cottage to see if a car might be hidden there.

 

Heart thumping in her chest, Kathleen lowered her suitcase slowly to the floor but held on to her basket, hugging it with both of her hands after letting go of the suitcase. She cleared her throat. “Hello?” she repeated a little more loudly while taking a step forward. 

 

Just then, the door at the end of the corridor opened slowly with a creak and Kathleen quickly recoiled back towards the front door until she saw Samuel’s familiar form emerge from the shadows.

 

“Please don’t be alarmed,” he spoke quickly, stepping forward with his arm extended. “It’s only me.”

 

Kathleen looked at him for a moment, her original fear subsiding but then almost immediately giving way to alarm of very different nature. Of all the people she had wanted to avoid, he was the one she most desperately needed to stay away from. She looked him over and swallowed, hugging her basket even more tightly.

 

“Samuel.” His name rolled from her lips together with the breath she could finally release. She tried not to look at him or pay any attention to the informal state of his dress, but she knew not where else to avert her eyes. Gone were his usual coat and waistcoat, and even his white shirt hung onto him in a way that left very little to the imagination. Several of the top buttons were undone, revealing a generous eyeful of his sturdy chest, and the sleeves too were rolled up to accommodate for the summer heat. The whole shirt remained only partly tucked into his trousers.

 

It seemed he had been in the cottage for some time, and by the smell of his breath, Kathleen could tell he had found company in a bottle of something stronger than the lemonade she was carrying in her basket.

 

“Kathleen,” he spoke, stepping closer. “I’m...I’m sorry to be trespassing.”

 

Kathleen tried to look anywhere but at his chest. “No, I told you, you could come here if you needed to,” she replied, her eyes roaming the walls for anything to fix on. All of this was the exact opposite of what she had meant to achieve by coming to this place.

 

The hallway was too dark for her to find focus on anything else and so her gaze eventually returned to Samuel, albeit forcing herself not to look at his muscular chest again, or even further downwards. Instead, her eyes fell on his face. His forehead was crinkled with worry lines and his eyes bore the kind of sadness she felt had taken possession over her own heart ever since she had allowed herself to get lost in that kiss with him. His eyes had her transfixed and, for a moment, there was nowhere else she could look. 

 

The moment stretched on and only when Samuel cleared his throat was Kathleen brought back to reality. She took a deep breath and took a step back to gain some control over herself again and to keep a safe distance from him.

 

“You did offer, yes, but it seems as if you wanted to be by yourself. I don’t want to intrude on your plan. Perhaps, I should leave.” Samuel looked at her with uncertainty and looked as if he was about to turn around and get his things and make true to his words.

 

“No…No, don’t leave,” Kathleen started, voice shaking slightly. She immediately noticed how Samuel could mistake the meaning of her words and added with a little more confidence, “You can’t leave. You are in no fit state to drive. Besides, I think it might do you good to eat something.”

 

At that she held up the basket she had been using as a shield between them: “The kitchen maid put enough in there to feed a small army.”

 

Samuel looked at her in wonderment for a second, contemplating her words, while Kathleen tried to stay calm, thinking about what she would get herself into if he conceded, before he finally nodded. 

 

Now as they both were standing in the hallway, unsure of what to do next, it dawned on Kathleen what she had gotten herself into. Not only was she in the cabin with Samuel now but, on top of it all, it also seemed as if she was trapped. Henry was long gone and Samuel was in no state to drive. There were more rooms in the house than the one room in which he seemed to have made himself comfortable, but she had no knowledge of the condition of the other rooms. She just hoped that the other bedroom was any good for use. 

 

“I think we should go inside if we don’t want to take roots,” Samuel pulled back her focus back on him again. Of course, she could hardly camp out here in the hallway. The fact that the reason for her sleepless nights, for her raging thoughts and for her cravings was standing right in front of her, had stumped her to point that her mind had momentarily stopped working. 

 

She had momentarily been unable to think or do anything as she had not ever expected to be in such a situation in the first place. But now that she was faced with it, she had to make the best of it. 

 

“Of course… yes.” With that, she averted her gaze and followed him into the already dimly lit room.

 

The room itself had never been the brightest one. Quite on the contrary. The number of trees and hedges around the cottage, especially now since it had been overgrown, made it even darker than when she had spent the nights here as a child.

 

“I should have a look for plates and such…” Kathleen looked around nervously, almost anxiously, now that they were in the same room they had been all those weeks ago. Confined to those four walls with him was almost too much for her. She needed some distance and space. That was the only way she felt she could gain some perspective again, get some control over her mind. 

 

“I’m afraid I already searched the kitchen and someone must have almost emptied it. The only thing I found was a bottle opener and one glass. Why don’t you sit down and have a glass.”

 

Kathleen still stood in the middle of the room, quite undecided, still holding her wicker basket. She knew there were plates and cutlery tucked away in a box somewhere, but she couldn’t make up her mind to actually go in search of them now. She honestly shouldn’t make things even worse by starting to drink, but the idea of alcohol easing up on her nervousness and helping her calm the pandemonium of thoughts was too tempting. With a silent thud, she set down the basket on the floor and slowly made her way towards the bed, her heart hammering in her chest. 

 

“Thank you.” 

 

She had finally sat down on the bed next to him as it really was the only comfortable spot in the room. Still, she tried to keep a respectful distance to him as she accepted his glass.

 

“I am sorry, I already used it…” Samuel didn’t finish his sentence for he wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to put into words what was going through his mind. There was no need for him to say the words out loud for Kathleen to understand him perfectly well. 

 

They had already shared more than just a glass of scotch. Pretending something else was foolish. Despite the fact that he now used the bottle and left her the glass, she was still very much aware that he had used the glass before. The feelings this little detail ignited in her were almost illicit. Still, she raised the glass to her lips with trembling hands and let the liquid burn her throat. 

 

The warmth from the drink spread gradually through her body and, as she kept sipping on her drink, she could feel herself slowly start to relax. They didn’t talk much, the tension between them too palpable for any words to be spoken, but once she had finished her drink, she offered her glass wordlessly up to Samuel who filled it up again before taking a chug from the bottle himself.

 

“We really shouldn’t be here.” Kathleen finally found her voice as she was halfway through her second glass. Instead of the clarity of mind she had sought, she could already feel her thoughts start to muddle from the combined effect of the alcohol and Samuel’s presence. “I mean, both of us at the same time.”

 

“No, we really shouldn’t,” Samuel agreed, but from the way he was looking at her, Kathleen wasn’t sure he really meant it. Suddenly the room felt very hot and she could understand why he had felt the need to remove so much of his clothing. Slowly, she began loosening her own scarf and, once it was removed, quickly took another sip of her drink to ease the nerves that wanted to flare up again from the simple act of removing any part of her clothing in front of Samuel.

 

That simple action left Samuel breathless and ignited a warmth in regions of his body he really should try to ignore. He averted his gaze back to the bottle in his hand, fighting the image she had just presented him with. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t already shown more skin before. 

 

Her ball gown was still very present in his mind, the way it had hugged her waist and magnified her beauty. In fact, this and the kiss had been the two predominant things he had almost constantly been thinking about the following days. He had just been able to pull himself back together and try and focus on the reality he was surrounded with. Miriam, of course, had immediately noticed his absentmindedness. His workload had been the perfect excuse and it seemed to have worked. 

 

Courtney, on the other hand, had been almost impossible to fool. His best friend was the one person who knew him almost as well as he knew himself. Usually, he was his confidante when he could not confide in his wife. Just, in this case, he didn’t want to share what he felt for Kathleen even with Courtney. It was his secret and telling it to someone else would have been as if he spoiled it. It was too precious. She was too precious. In consequence, he had been rewarded with a lot of side glances and pregnant pauses to invite him to talk, but he had never succumbed. Instead, he had sought solitude in the one place he could think of: the cottage. 

 

Now, as opposed to the ball gown, there had been something oddly erotic about the way Kathleen had removed that scarf, the way it had caressed her skin when she had pulled it off to show just a peek of skin. He stared up from his bottle once again, unable to resist the temptation to have another peek. 

 

She was sitting next to him on the bed, still at a respectable distance, but the fact remained that they both sat on the same bed. His mind travelled back to dangerous territories and before he could do anything about it, he heard himself murmur: “Maybe I really should not be here. I just thought I could clear my head out here - away from everything... I came here to stop thinking about you but I’ve spent these hours here doing nothing but thinking about you.”

 

His eyes were drawn to her face, like a magnet, wondering about her reaction to those words. If he had expected her to still stare at her now empty glass, he had been vastly mistaken. She looked straight into his eyes and at this moment, he could tell that something in her had changed. It was almost as if her world-axis had shifted. Samuel wasn’t sure if it had been wise to say out loud what had been on his mind, in her presence no less. It had been almost impossible not to utter those words to her though, when she sat there, next to him, looking like a flushed goddess.

 

With only that one simple truth, the tension in this little room had become almost electric. It had been quite palpable before, filled with an undercurrent that had been almost as hot as the weather outside. But now it was positively sweltering. For a moment, Samuel feared he had been brash to overwhelm her with his confession. Yet, he couldn’t look away from her. It was as if he was staring at the sun during a solar eclipse, aware that it was dangerous but unable to look away, waiting for something to happen. And then it did happen. Her gaze went down to his lips. 

 

He was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. He wasn’t able to hold back any longer and he leaned in. Her lips on his, her taste in his mouth, her tongue dancing with his and to have her as close to him as it was physically possible, were the only things that mattered to him. In a moment he pressed his lips on hers and he could feel her body loosen under his touch.

 

Kathleen was almost dizzy with desire. She felt her heart beating out of her chest and her hands trembling. As Samuel took her head into his hands to pull her even closer while caressing her cheeks, a moan escaped her mouth. Quickly the kiss transformed into something much more fiery and passionate. While her fingers tentatively, almost carefully, ghosted along his neck, not really being used to showing such an innate need for someone else, his hands worked their way around her body, learning every crevasse and every corner of her perfect body, while their tongues danced with each other and their breaths mingled, eliciting moans from both of them. 

 

No words were spoken. There was no need for it. They were so perfectly attuned to each other. Slowly and very gradually, Samuel made his way away from her mouth and down her neck, licking, biting and kissing his way down to her collar bone, while she bent her head to give him better access, accompanying his ministrations with gasps that were louder than she had wanted them to be. Despite the fact that he felt himself on fire and that his pants had become almost uncomfortably tight by now, he needed to prolong this for as long as he could, worship her and let her know and feel what she meant to him. 

 

Her fingers dug into the skin of his neck, not daring to undress him or even open up some of those buttons. Her experience with being bedded by a man was limited to Richard. The main concern in that relationship was his pleasure, to accommodate his wishes. Her own needs had always been secondary. It wasn’t her duty to get the same thrill out of this as he did. Besides, it wasn’t as if he had ever brought her to completion, except for their first trysts at the beginning of their marriage when his own inexperience had made him more eager to please. She had even been given a book by her mother when she first got married, about what her duties were, that she had to be available and ready for her husband at all times, what gave a man pleasure and how it all worked. That had been her life up to this point. Undressing a man had never been part of the deal. 

 

When the rare occasion occurred that Richard did claim her body, he was usually clad in his pyjamas and disrobed himself. Sometimes it was even enough for him to pull down his pants to get the job done while she herself need only to raise the hem of her nightgown. 

 

But Samuel was a whole different deal to her. Never in her life had she felt such a pull towards a man, such a throbbing need to be close and to feel his skin on hers and be devoured by him. Her strict upbringing, however, disabled her from unbuttoning his shirt. Perhaps shyness played a part in this, too. Engaging with a man that was not her husband was so wrong, yet it all felt so perfect and so right. 

 

As if Samuel sensed her restraint, he dislodged his mouth from her pulse point and went back to her mouth, claiming her lips once again, while he started to unbutton his shirt himself. Kathleen was torn between Samuel and her inner moral compass. She physically couldn’t stop herself from kissing him, she would have gladly spent the whole rest of her life kissing those tender, smooth lips, but the idea of crossing the border of just kissing scared her a little.

 

“It’s fine, Kathleen,” she heard him mumble, soothing her nerves. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

 

This was a line she had never expected a man to say. Respect her inhibitions and her boundaries. Yet at the same time, it spurred her on and to actually step over that boundary and dip her toe into this pond. With that she glanced at him and breathed: “No.. I want to…”

 

She could have explained more but she really didn’t have it in her, now was not the time for talk. Instead, she stared at him for a long moment and then let one hand rest on his chest hesitantly and let the fingers of her other hand run through the hair in his nape.

 

“Oh, Kathy,” he moaned and latched his lips back on hers again, while his hands began fumbling with the buttons of the dress. Her admission was the get-go for him to shower her with all the love he felt for her. 

 

Touching his hot skin, at last, feeling his heartbeat thundering underneath the ministrations of her fingers, while sucking her back into his world with his kisses, made her lose the last shreds still remaining of her control. 

 

“Oh, Sam,” she gasped into his mouth when they parted for a short minute to catch their breaths again. By now she had enough courage to let her fingers ghost down to the remaining buttons of his shirt and tried to undo them, not being quite able to keep the tremor of her hands. If it was anticipation, desire or apprehension, Kathleen couldn’t be sure. 

 

Samuel smiled at her warmly and encouragingly and gave her the time and space she needed to unbutton the rest. He knew she probably wouldn’t accept any help at this point. He was quivering with anticipation and arousal himself, it was nearly impossible not to touch her, be connected with her to some extent. Instead of waiting, he let his fingers ghost along the seam of her neckline right down to the buttons that kept it all together. 

 

The way Kathleen pressed her hands against his chest, to keep herself steady, showed him that he might need to wait for her after all. She looked at him, inflamed, lips swollen and eyes dark with desire and yet, there still was a trace of restraint. Something or someone still held her back, disabled her from letting go and just relax. 

 

So, he cupped her cheek in a further attempt to help her relax and sucked her bottom lip before mumbling words of encouragement against her lips. She visibly relaxed and finally, she was able to rid him of his shirt, tentatively, almost gingerly. Her hands ran across his chest as if she tried to memorize every crevice of it, just like he did. Her ministrations made it impossible for him to wait any longer and after another heated kiss, he finally made his way to unbutton the front of her dress with nimble fingers. All the while he made work at her dress, he felt her caresses all over his chest, his neck and felt her short breaths on his skin. It was an almost surreal experience. 

 

The air between them was charged and hot. Every time she touched him, it sent tremors down his body and made him harder than he had ever been before. He had read about this kind of love that drove you to the brink of insanity if you didn’t get to touch and be with your love. Never had he quite understood how such a passion could exist. Never. Not until now. Now, the only desire he had was to melt into her and become one with her.

 

Once again he brushed his lips against hers and found her answering his request with a hot kiss, passionately and demanding. He really had lost himself to her. Nothing mattered around them, only she did. If she continued scraping her nails down his neck and his chest and peppering him with kisses along his jawline like that, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to last. At the moment he rather felt like an overly eager teenager who ends up making a mess of himself because he is unable to control himself. 

 

In an attempt to prevent such an embarrassing spectacle, he unbuckled his belt and slid down the zip of his trousers, and the bit of freedom from the confinements of them made him sigh in relief even though he did not remove his boxer briefs yet. This was first and foremost about her. With a small wicked grin, he tended to the buttons of her dress again. She, however, couldn’t look away from him anymore. The bulge had been irresistibly big before, and now he was so close and yet so far out of reach. She drew herself up and wondered what it would feel like to touch him through his trousers.

 

It was as if Samuel had read his mind for he took her hand tenderly and put it on the very spot she had been unable to look away from. With the uttermost care, Kathleen began to stroke him through his trousers and his boxers, estimating his girth. For what she could make out, his member surely was considerably bigger than her husband’s. She didn’t know if that scared or excited her more. Oh, if only she had the courage to just dip her hand down his pants and feel it, confirm her suspicions. But she simply didn’t have it in her. Not even with all the desire pulsing through her. It would have to wait until later. 

 

The tiny voice in the far back of Kathleen’s mind was almost drugged with desire at this point. She no longer cared for societal rules or if she was married. She didn’t care that they shouldn’t be doing this or that this could have terrible consequences. She didn’t care about any of it. The only thing she cared about was to become part of him, to be with him and to love him. Every nerve in her body was electrified by his touch and she never wanted it to stop. 

 

She audibly sighed once the front of her dress was finally open and she hoped for some air to cool down her overheated body. She was at a melting point. But instead of cooling down her body, it was ignited even further when Samuel’s hands slipped inside her dress and touched the sides of her chest, pulling her up close to him. 

 

Goosebumps covered her body when his lips latched onto her pulse point once again and he made his way downwards. Kathleen was in a frenzy. She didn’t know where to put her hands first. Like magnets, her fingers found his head and she let them glide through his hair, while he had almost reached her collarbone by now. She knew his goal, where he would want to touch her next. Just her dress proved to be a hindrance to his eager mouth. Before he could even slip his hands back out of her dress to push it down her shoulders, she had taken initiative. 

 

It was the first time she had ever done this, acting upon her most inner desires: “Sam, wait,” she breathed once she had finally the strength to stop kissing him for a second. He looked at her in panic, fearing that she would draw back now, leave him behind. His confusion became apparent when she pushed herself away from him and stood up from the bed. But if he had thought she could physically remove herself from him and stop what they were doing, he was sadly mistaken. Even if she wanted to, she could not stop touching him and the desire for him that made itself present in an aching between her legs, she had not thought possible. 

 

No, what she did was different from his fear. She stood up, hoping her trembling legs would carry her and then stood in front of him. For a moment she just looked at him. His eyes had become almost black at this point. His chest was covered with red marks and scratches from her nails, his hair was tousled and his delicious lips were red and raw from all the kissing. Her eyes finally travelled further south and she had to bit the inside of her mouth as not to groan at the sight of the big bulge in his trousers. 

 

Her trembling fingers reached the collar of her dress and with one swift motion, the dress pooled around her ankles. She stepped out of the blue satin puddle, left her heels behind and made one step towards him, almost touching him. Almost. By now she was only clad in underwear. Today of all days she had decided against wearing her chemise and her stockings, simply because of the stifling heat. Little had she known how glad she would be later about that choice. 

 

The bit of courage she had in her, that had made her get up and do this little striptease now had evaporated into thin air. Only her husband had ever had the right to look at her in this state of undress. With him, she had never really cared. It wasn’t as if he had a great desire for her. It was more the act itself he was interested in these days. That resulted in her not thinking twice about what Richard thought about her body, how he perceived it. 

 

Samuel made her self conscious and she felt naked all of a sudden. Driven by her impulses had made her do it and now in a moment of clarity, she wasn’t sure if she would want to cover herself again, as not to be judged by him. 

 

The man in question did nothing of the sort. He got up from the creaky old bed and stood in front of her for a moment before putting one hand at the back of her neck and the other on her waist to pull her into a soft kiss. 

 

“You are so beautiful,” he mumbled against her lips once he had drawn back an inch, the fire inside of him had developed into a wildfire at this point. Suddenly all patience was gone as his hands made their way behind her back to unhook her bra and let it join the dress on the floor. Any vulnerability that was left in her eyes, was banished from them, when he started peppering kisses down her throat and touched her breasts for the very first time, let his fingers roam over them and tweak them, before he lowered himself onto them, licking them and grazing them gently with his teeth, before dropping to his knees in front of her. 

 

By now he could smell her arousal and if he had thought a shred of his sanity could remain when merely being with her, it was now gone forever. He put one last kiss just at the top of the hem of her underwear, making her gasp sharply before he had gotten back up to his feet in one motion and finally removed his trousers that were barely hanging onto his hip. He quickly stepped out of them and let them join the growing pile of clothes behind her.

 

Now the only barrier between Kathleen and Samuel were his boxer briefs, which didn’t leave much to the imagination. She might have been right before. He was quite big. Encouraged by his words, she cupped him through the fabric once again and gently squeezed. He was hard as steel. The idea that she had been the cause for this left her head spinning with lust. 

 

Meanwhile, he just looked at her in wonderment and with so much trust. It was almost too much for her. He gave her the time she needed, but at the same time gave her the strength to do the almost illegal bit of pushing the offending garment down his legs, even if he would make sure this was about her first and he would have to wait. She understood him, and after letting her fingers dance down the sides of his chest, she timidly dipped her fingers into the garment, as if waiting to be reprimanded, before pulling it down in one rapid movement. 

 

Samuel sighed in relief for his new-found freedom, even if he was so stiff at this point that it became nearly unbearable. At this moment it was as if the world stood still. Of course, it wasn’t the first time she had seen a penis, but it certainly was the first time to see a different one than her husband’s, quite a big sample on top. But if Kathleen had thought, they would tend to him now, she was mistaken. Samuel had different plans.

 

Before she registered what was happening, he had lowered her onto the bed and had hooked his thumbs underneath her knickers. He looked up at her asking permission to continue. Kathleen couldn’t think. She was a puddle of desire and so she nodded. In a quick motion, he had pulled down her underwear and let it drop beside the bed.

 

The sight he was presented with was one he would never forget. She was lying there in all her naked glory, absolutely perfect from head to toe, looking at him through hooded eyes, but simultaneously clutching the bedsheets for comfort and security. He saw how her insecurity crept back into her eyes and in her posture for she stiffened ever so slightly under his burning gaze. 

 

He leaned over her, hovering, not quite touching her skin and looked into her eyes. She was absolutely overwhelming. It was absolutely beyond him how her husband didn’t simply worship the ground she walked on. Once again he whispered words of encouragement. He doubted that anyone had ever told her how much of a goddess she was as she looked at him, her desire and her insecurities fighting a fierce battle behind her eyes. 

 

Samuel decided to put an end to it. He rested his forehead against hers. Kathleen was captivated by those blue eyes that seemed to say that she was the most beautiful thing in the world and her cheeks blushed hotly. She kept staring in his eyes, unable to look anywhere else or do anything else, but just study him in silence. The only thing she could hear was their breathing and an occasional creak of the bed at the smallest of movements. It really was a good thing that they were alone, in a cottage out in the woods for nobody to hear them. His warm breath mingled with hers and then it wasn’t him who captured her lips, it was she who kissed him with abandon and elicited a moan from him. 

 

She had determined long ago that this sound, his moan was her favourite sound. If she could bottle one sound and listen to it over and over again, it would be this very one. 

 

“Kathleen you are absolutely stunning,” he panted when he had come up for air. He looked at her for another intense moment that made her want to melt altogether until he finally asked: “Do you trust me, Kathy?”

 

The only thing she could do was to pull his head to hers again and answer it in a kiss. That was all Samuel needed to know. He would make her feel how much he loved her. With a trail of hot, wet kisses he slowly made his way down her body, taking care and loving every bit of skin he could reach. Upon reaching her breasts he continued his ministrations from before, sucking at both equally, massaging them and grazing his teeth across them as he made his way further south. 

 

Kathleen’s breathing came out in short, shallow gasps. She had the feeling her whole body was on fire as if it was not blood that ran through her body but lava. Just then, as if Samuel had sensed how she was burning, he did something that nearly drove her out of her mind and she had to bite the inside of her mouth so hard that she almost felt she had drawn blood. She had closed her eyes for she felt it easier to deal with than watching him roaming over her body. 

 

His hot breath had travelled down to her thighs and now made its way between them, after pushing her legs apart gently, as if he was afraid of scaring her off. But it wasn’t his breath that made her stifle her gasp. Instead, he had started licking his way up to her core, always blowing his breath across the wet patches of her skin as if trying to help her cool down. Never once, in over twenty years of marriage, had she experienced anything like it.

 

Samuel could have continued doing this for hours, just pleasuring her, making her gasp and help her connect with her own body, show her how glorious it was. But the scent of her arousal was so absolutely breathtaking at this point, his need to taste her and push her over the brink so overpowering that he was no longer able to keep on with his ministrations. 

 

The sounds of heavy breathing, moaning and whining were suddenly pierced by a surprised shriek. Samuel had finally delved into her core and did things to her with his tongue no one had ever done to her before. Her surprise at feeling his tongue on her centre and the shame at feeling turned on by such an illicit action had almost been too great. She immediately clasped her hand over her mouth, stifling herself from making any more sounds as it just was not something she thought proper, while her cheeks grew even hotter than they already had been before. 

 

“Don’t do that. Don’t repress your emotions. It’s gorgeous,” he mumbled before he delved into her again, becoming even bolder. Kathleen’s desire to suppress her own sounds became increasingly difficult. Before she knew it, she had all but abandoned her futile attempts. Instead, she was writing in bed, first clutching the bedsheets and then his head in an attempt on having something to hold on to. The insurmountable tension that had built up inside was now threatening to crush down on her like a tidal wave and she just about managed to force out his name in a whine, when the wave crashed down on her and her peak hit her like an earthquake of pleasure. Her vocal cords felt almost strained and overused. She didn’t know when she had been quite as loud as she had been within these four walls. 

 

Samuel kissed her gently on and around her core to help her down from her orgasmic high. She was breathing hard and now slowly opened her eyes to look down at him. He was still between her legs, marvelling at her when she gave him a shy smile, unable to believe what had just happened. 

 

He had completely disregarded his own need for completion. Instead, he had only tended to her, looked out for her and given her a moment so full of bliss, she could hardly ever remember having before. At this moment, she knew that she would never be able to stop loving him. 

 

He looked at her tenderly and finally moved up to her, kissing her languidly, letting her taste herself. 

 

“I know I probably shouldn’t say this, but I love you,” he whispered at last.

 

Her response was every bit as emotional as he had seen her be tonight. She had mastered the skill of hiding her emotions, suppressing them, pretending they were not there. To have her finally act on them and her desires, to not think about her duties as a wife but her needs and wishes as a woman was one of his biggest achievements. Greater even than the staff locator.

 

“Oh God, Sam,” her voice broke, tears were rolling down her flushed cheeks, her fingers raking his hair away from his face as she pulled him in for yet another kiss. She simply could not stop. Somehow she would have to make up for all the missed opportunities and all the moments to come when she’d be unable to even touch him, less kiss him. So, that’s what she did. Kiss him with a fervour she had only saved for him.

 

At long last, she felt his weight on top of her and she sighed, feeling his still prominent erection pressing against her things, pulling away from him for a moment to look at him: “I love you so much. I - I know we could end up putting us in a real mess of things, but I don’t care. I want you. Now and always.”

 

He had intended for her to calm down and ready herself for him before entering her, but he knew that any prolonged wait would be torture to them both. She already was ready and his member was throbbing almost painfully at this point when he settled between her legs once again. Then he sank into her. She was hot, tight, wet and so welcoming. Both gasped out of relief. It was as if they had finally found their missing piece of the puzzle. 

 

Kathleen immediately hooked her legs around him and hugged him, her nipples grazing his chest with every movement they made. The old bed was terribly loud and squeaky but Samuel was certain they would still win the competition of who would be the loudest. 

 

He would be right about it, too. Their tryst began slowly, adjusting to each other before both knew that this was not the time to be slow. At that he began to drive himself into her, nearly splitting her in two. The sharp cry and the scratches he felt on his back only spurred him on. He knew he’d have a hard time explaining the red marks on his back, especially because he was sure that some of them had drawn blood and it felt delicious. The more he drove himself into her, the more she was whining and writhing underneath him, rolling her hips in sync and locking him fiercely inside her. 

 

Still, he didn’t want this to be over just yet. So, he tried to slow down, still himself. But they were both beyond waiting. He pushed her knees further upwards her body to give him better access, bury himself in her to the hilt. After another deep thrust, he felt her walls clenching around him. Kathleen opened her mouth for yet another sharp cry, but nothing came. He stole yet another kiss when he rolled into her a couple more times until he followed her suit, desire nearly burning him to ashes, as he emptied himself into her. 

 

For a moment afterwards, they both lied still: limp, satiated, and utterly spent. For several minutes, neither felt they could move even if they wanted to, and they didn’t want to. All Samuel could do, after the last waves of pleasure had finally settled, was shift enough to take his weight off Kathleen, slipping out of her in the process.

 

“That was…” Kathleen breathed eventually but didn’t know how to finish. Nothing she had experienced in her marital bed had ever required the vocabulary she would now have needed to express how she felt.

 

“I know,” Samuel replied, rolling to his side and propping himself up on his elbow to look at Kathleen. He let his fingers ghost over her still very inviting breasts before moving to caress her face. “I wish…” he started but didn’t complete the thought. To say out loud that he wished they could remain here forever would have meant acknowledging the lives that still waited for them beyond these walls and right now it was the last thing he wanted to do. Instead, he leaned in to kiss Kathleen again, slow and languid and exploring.

 

When he finally pulled away, there was a rueful hint in Kathleen’s smile when she looked at him.

 

“I wish that too,” she replied, placing her hand on Samuel’s chest and playing with the hairs there, momentarily lost in thought. This, too, was new to her: to find that there could still be touching and whispering and kissing even after completion. She thought she could like it almost as much as the act itself. But then there were other thoughts too, less pleasant ones, wanting to make themselves heard - thoughts that she didn’t want to give into just yet. She wasn’t ready to let go of the feeling of warm bliss that still filled her and was still fed by Samuel’s continued presence.

 

“Do you want me to go?” Samuel asked as if seeing the simmering turmoil underneath the surface. “I could find another bed in another room.”

 

Kathleen snapped out of her thoughts and met Samuel’s eyes. Then she reached for his arm and pulled it gently but determinedly over herself. 

 

“No,” she whispered. “Stay. Just for this one night.”

 

That’s how the two lovers fell asleep with his strong arm across her chest and her snuggled up to him as close to him as it was possible, her head using his other arm as a pillow, while her hand had found its spot behind her on his thigh. It was perfection. Even if it was just for one night.

 

Samuel was the first to awake the next morning, tickled by the morning sun and a particularly loud woodpecker. He felt heavy, numb and content. They had barely moved away from each other during the night. Kathleen was now turned towards him, her head lying on his chest and her red curls tousled while she had taken possession of his chest with her arm, legs entangled. She was still sleeping safe and sound, her breaths deep and even. He gazed at her for a few minutes, wondering how lucky he was to have her next to him.

 

The urge to lean down and brush a curl out of her face was almost too great but he resisted, not wanting to rouse her by this action. It was as if they were still in their bubble and just for a few minutes he wished they could stay here all day long. No matter how comfortable and hard this bed actually was. 

 

Just then Kathleen stirred, burying her face in his chest before opening her eyes and orientating herself to where she was and who she was with. Samuel was perfectly still, nothing gave away that he was in fact awake. Kathleen breathed in deeply, his musky scent ensnaring her senses. She felt sore in places she had never thought about before, leaving absolutely no doubt of the activities they had indulged in last night. She tried to move, have a look at Samuel. But her muscles protested as she moved and stretched herself, her mind still foggy from the aftereffect of the alcohol and the lack of sleep.

 

“Good morning,” he mumbled sleepily and leaned down for a lazy kiss. 

 

“Good morning,” she replied, ignoring the objection of her muscles to stretching in an attempt to peel herself off him. The pure bliss from last night now slowly began to fade away to the ugly face of reality.

 

She was no longer able to keep those unpleasant thoughts at bay, thinking of how wrong it was what they had done, no matter how right it had felt. How her aunt would react if she ever found out. She couldn’t find out, Kathleen thought. There was no way she could live with the shame of her aunt knowing of her infidelity. Suddenly, she had the old lady in front of her eyes, imagining her concerned look as she stepped into the house, wondering and eventually asking if her niece had managed to find a way to get the inventor out of her system. And Richard. How could she ever look into his eyes again after what she had done?

 

Samuel had sensed that she was retreating from him, her mind slipping away to some worrisome place, despite the fact that he had still engulfed her with his arms. 

 

“Is everything alright, Kathleen?” he asked tentatively, knowing the reason for her behaviour all the same. He, too, would have to face a world later that could not know what had happened. It had to stay locked within these four walls.

 

“This shouldn’t have happened,” she murmured, at last, avoiding his eyes. She took a deep breath to help her wake up as she finally tried to wrestle herself away from the safety of his arms for good. 

 

He saw the fight between remorse and longing behind her eyes. No matter what he did now, she was right. It shouldn’t have happened. He stretched out his hand and cupped her cheek, Kathleen momentarily unsure whether to lean into his touch or away from it. 

 

“Maybe. But it did happen and I don’t regret it…” He didn’t continue his sentence. Confessing his feelings for her in the broad daylight that had shown the harsh reality of their situation, felt wrong. 

 

Kathleen bit her lip in thought and looked up at him. How could she ever regret the most exquisite night of her life? The pleasure she had felt had been unlike anything she could ever have even dreamed of.

 

“No, I don’t either,” she replied at last. “But it can’t happen again.”

 

With that she finally rolled away from him, leaving the spot next to him cold and empty. She picked up their clothes and both got dressed in silence, both deep in thought. Kathleen had just about pulled up her dress when Samuel zipped up his trousers. 

 

“No, it’s probably wise if it didn’t happen again. But just let me say one more thing before we leave this room. I meant every single thing I said last night.” 

 

Kathleen looked at him and a sad smile ghosted over her face. “I did, too. But we can’t ever talk about this again.”

 

He nodded in understanding. At last, Kathleen had buttoned up her dress and had slipped back into her heels. 

 

“Are you hungry?” She asked in an attempt to change the subject as if breakfast would help put last night behind them. It was foolish, of course, but she had to start somewhere. 

 

“Famished,” he replied, getting up from their love nest, at last, playing along. 

 

“I will have a look for some plates. I know most of them were put away in boxes after Uncle Lawrence passed away, but I’m sure they can’t all have been cleared out.”

 

Samuel nodded, following her into the dusty kitchen. Both managed to procure not just plates but also cutlery. Nothing was said during breakfast. There really was no need to. What could they have said? 

 

Samuel observed Kathleen, while he was sipping the lemonade she had brought. She kept rummaging around the kitchen, was absolutely unable to sit down. It was as if she had closed off completely. Her mind was somewhere completely different, probably going over last night’s events, he pondered. In hindsight, it had been ludicrous to spend the night together. For both of them, it had been something unimaginable, but especially Kathleen must feel at sea and in need of rearranging her world order again. It had been a huge step for her to sleep with him. It was something he had dreamed of but never really expected. When Kathleen finally sat down, she avoided eye contact with him altogether, staring into space. 

 

At last, Samuel had finished his drink and found no other excuse to delay his departure. On top of it all, his wife was probably wondering where he was. So, he cleared his throat and prodded: “Shall I drive you home?”

 

Kathleen looked at him, brought back from her reverie and stared at him for a moment, registering the meaning of his words before she shook her head. “No, Henry will pick me up in an hour.” Samuel nodded but made no move to actually leave. Instead, he looked at her intently.

 

“Please don’t end up regretting last night. I am not sure I could bear it.”

 

It was almost as if he had been reading her thoughts. Currently, Kathleen was close to thinking herself into a frenzy, blaming herself for it all. As she gazed up from her plate, she mumbled slowly: “I don’t regret it and that is the thing. I should. I should regret it. How can I ever face my husband again? I did everything I shouldn’t have done.”

 

There was nothing Samuel wanted to do more than take her into his arms or at least squeeze her hand, but they had left any permission for physical contact back in the other room. Instead, he looked at her. 

 

“I feel the same way. But we will find a way. There always is a way.”

 

Kathleen didn’t reply but kept staring into space again. It was no use. She needed time as much as he did. “I think I should go before your driver sees me here…” Finally, he pushed himself off his chair. This comment earned him a nod and the ghost of a smile. 

 

He had reached the door when he turned around one last time. “Please don’t cut me out. Goodbye Kathy.” 

 

Kathleen’s goodbye was barely audible but he heard it before he made his way outside, back into the real world. Back to his work, his wife and children. Back to pretending nothing happened last night.

 

One silent tear rolled down Kathleen’s cheek as she heard him close the door behind him. She stood up again, wiped away the tear, tidied up everything and stored all the washed items back neatly in the cupboards. When she heard the car approaching, she stepped out of the little cottage and closed the door behind her, determined to leave behind the memories that had been created there. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathleen has problems adjusting to her life after the night she shared with Samuel.

Kathleen didn’t think she had ever felt quite as miserable as when she clambered into her bed that night. She had successfully averted any of her aunt’s inquisitive questions and glances by spending the majority of the day out in the vast garden, walking, thinking, trying to forget, but making herself feel worse the more she tried.

She had even successfully avoided having a grand dinner by letting the staff know she wasn’t hungry. That wasn’t even a lie. The idea of food made her sick. By the end of the day, she had painted herself a perfect wanton and excused herself and let her aunt know she would have an early night. That had been the only exchange she’d had with the old woman that day. It had been rather short and merely in passing.

She knew her behaviour must be rather conspicuous to her aunt, but she couldn’t get herself to care that day. She merely wanted to be alone with her thoughts and the burden of her memories. She felt tainted by what she had done and would have to get her thoughts straight before she could face any of her people again.

The darkness of her bedroom engulfed her completely once she had turned off the light. There, alone in the dark, there was no need to hide or pretend that she was okay when she wasn’t. She didn’t really sleep that night either. Her mind kept tormenting her, bringing back fragments of the previous night, of him, of the feeling of having him on top of her, around and inside her. Yet, another idea was also starting to haunt her. It wasn’t merely the fact that she had been unfaithful to her husband, that she had broken her marriage vows and had gone against her inner moral compass.

No, something entirely different had dawned on her and made her feel even more brazen. She and Samuel had been terribly careless. Neither of them had made any effort to use contraception. With her husband, they never really had to worry about that, seeing as they were married, and though she knew that such methods existed, she had never had any experience of them in practice.

With Samuel, it had all happened in the spur of the moment, leaving no room for forward planning. That meant that there stood a chance that she could be with child. The mere idea had made her blood run cold. It was bad enough having to deal with the onslaught of her own accusations every day, but that there might be even more serious consequences to what she had done, was at first so overwhelming that it almost paralyzed her.

As soon as she could think clearly again, that thought was then followed by another realisation. Nobody could ever know the truth about what had happened. Not ever. So, even if there was only the slightest chance of her being pregnant, she would have to be able to pretend that the child belonged to her husband and no one else. This, she knew, could only be achieved by inviting her husband into her bed again because it had been too long since their previous time to make a pregnancy now unsuspicious. Dread prickled down her spine at the mere notion of what she would have to do.

No matter what she did to distract herself, this avalanche of thoughts kept coming back until she fell into a dreamless, uneasy sleep.

The next morning Kathleen only felt good in the first few minutes after she had woken up, still hovering between sleep and awakeness, when she hadn’t quite caught up with reality yet when the feelings and thoughts that had plagued her before sleep still hadn’t managed to find their way back to her. As soon as they did, she simply wanted to turn around and fall back asleep.

But it was hopeless. Sleep didn’t want to help her forget. So, after a futile attempt at returning to her dreams, she dragged herself out of bed groggily, limbs heavy and mind clouded with darkness. Mechanically, she dressed, put on a little more makeup to cover the signs of sleeplessness and then made her way downstairs for breakfast, where she knew she would have to face aunt Mary.

When she came down that morning, everything seemed eerily quiet. It was almost too quiet for her taste. Kathleen wasn’t sure if it was a metaphor for the oncoming storm she would be faced with, or simply her own guilt making her imagine horrors even where there were none. Carefully she rounded the corner to the dining room, as if suddenly unsure of what to expect, and was met by her aunt who immediately smiled up at her from her newspaper.

“Kathleen, dear, Richard called earlier but you were still asleep. He will be home earlier than he expected. The bill he had to get through Parliament went through more easily than he had anticipated, I think.”

Kathleen forced a smile on her face, even as she felt the dread in the pit of her stomach spread. “That is splendid news,” she replied as she took her seat on the table, avoiding her aunt’s eyes.

“I hope it is,” aunt Mary replied, studying her niece carefully. It seemed to her that Kathleen’s visit to the cottage had not brought her the peace of mind she had sought, but she wasn’t sure whether she ought to approach the subject or let Kathleen speak when she was ready.

“When will he back?” Kathleen asked after a moment, busying herself with arranging her napkin.

Aunt Mary played along, for the time being, seeing that Kathleen was far from ready to open up to her just yet. “He said he would be here tomorrow around lunch time already. He must have been quite successful, I dare say.”

“Mmm, that’s good.” Kathleen lacked words for a proper response. Too much went through her head the moment her aunt had announced her husband’s imminent arrival. Of course, she had been aware of his return sooner or later, but part of her had still been trying to block it out, to convince herself of having some more time to prepare herself for what she would be forced to do.

She had put a fake smile on her face but now went back to picking at her grapefruit, not really hungry in any way. To keep up the pretence that everything was the same as usual, she forced down a bit of the bitter fruit, feeling her aunt’s curious gaze on herself every once in a while.

Finally, when no longer able to stand the tension, Kathleen looked up after taking a sip of her tea. “I will have to make sure everything’s ready and in order for tomorrow night’s dinner… did he say anything about bringing some of his colleagues or Arthur?”

The thought of Arthur gave her goosebumps, but not in a pleasant way. Ever since finding out about his devious plans, she had tried to keep the old man at bay. But since she had not opened up to her husband about Samuel and her findings yet, especially because she knew that Richard wouldn’t believe her anyway, there would be no way to stop him from coming if it was her husband’s wish. Arthur had been a mentor and something of a father figure for him for over a decade now. Sometimes she even thought he valued Arthur more than he valued her.

“No - no he didn’t mention anything of the kind,” he aunt replied. “It’s just him. So, you needn’t worry about dinner. It will be just us three for once.”

After another moment of silence, aunt Mary could no longer keep still. Her niece’s behaviour strongly suggested that something must have happened. She usually never was so subdued, but naturally open and pleasant, even at breakfast. “Kathleen dear, I don’t mean to pry, but is everything - “

Before she even managed to finish her question, however, she was cut short by Kathleen, who suddenly put her napkin on the table and evaded her gaze. “I am sorry, Mary, I think there is rather a lot to do this morning. I still need to look after some orders and get everything ready for Richard’s return.”

It was a flimsy excuse. The orders for the next soirée were already in perfect order and they had just established that Richard wouldn’t be bringing any guests that needed looking after. But having her aunt ask anything right now, was asking too much of her. So, instead of complying to the older lady’s wishes to open up to her, she excused herself and left the other woman rather stumped.

For the entirety of the morning, Kathleen made sure to avoid her aunt again like she had done the day before. She even went as far as taking a drive into town to check on the orders she had made, and to put her mind off everything else by checking in on Madame Malkins for a new dress.

The entire affair took longer than it usually did, but then Kathleen did indulge in one of Madame Malkins rather long chats and prolonged everything just to draw out her return back home.

The whole trip was so successful that she managed to return home only sometime after lunch and almost immediately busied herself with making sure the cook and the rest of the staff were aware Richard would be back tomorrow, so everything, from the house to dinner would be pitch perfect.

All this time, there was not a single trace of her older relative. She must have gone off to the little garden house, much to Kathleen’s relief and she had no desire to visit her aunt there. Instead, Kathleen sought solitude in her own room and began to turn her thoughts to the next day and what she would inevitably have to do once Richard got home.

It had been a while since he had sought her company in bed, but she felt confident that it would not take much encouragement from her to change that now as it had been her own lack of encouragement that had reduced his visits to her bedroom in the first place. The thought made her stomach turn and she hardly knew which part of it she hated the most. She had already cheated on her husband - a man who, despite his many flaws, had generally been good to her - and now she would have to take the deception further by luring him into her bed to avoid potential further ramifications. She could not even bring herself to look forward to the act itself, far from it, which only made the duplicity of it all even worse.

But there was no way around it. It would have to be done and she would have to get it out of the way as soon as possible. If the bill Richard had gone to London for had passed like aunt Mary had said, he would return home in good spirits. They would likely celebrate with champagne over dinner and the sense of occasion would provide the perfect excuse for her to welcome him in her bed with the least risk of it becoming a habit again. Yes, Kathleen thought as she stood up to inspect her wardrobe, running her fingers over all the silk and satin dresses that might do to entice Richard, a quiet determination settling over her: tomorrow would be the perfect day, and then it would all be over. Everything would return to normal and eventually she would forget.

That, at least, was what she kept telling herself for the rest of the day as she passed the afternoon and evening in quiet trepidation. More than once she could see aunt Mary’s eyes on her after the older lady returned from the garden house for dinner, but she was grateful that her aunt chose not to pressure her for the time being. Kathleen could still barely look her in the eye as she wallowed in her own guilt and she most certainly wasn’t ready to talk yet if she ever would be. So, instead, they spent the evening after dinner talking about nothing of consequence before both retiring early to their rooms, aunt Mary to sleep and Kathleen to spend another sleepless night in her bed, already dreading the day to come.

Next morning came quicker than she had wanted it to. The bit of sleep she had managed to get, finally eluded her in the wee hours of the morning when the first rays of sunshine managed to make their way through her curtains. The feeling of being truly alone in the world seemed to peak during this time between day and night, between reality and dream. This was going to be the day that would make everything better. When she had this day over and done with, she would return to normalcy. It was a line that she kept repeating in her head over and over again almost like a mantra.

Getting up and ready, having breakfast in silence, weathering her aunt’s inquisitive glances, making last arrangements for her husband’s arrival to make sure that everything would be perfect today and tonight, everything was the same routine it had been the past two days. Nothing had changed really. At least that gave her some peace of mind if nothing else did.

The clock had just chimed twelve o’clock when Kathleen heard the crunch of gravel outside and her stomach gave a lurch. Her husband had apparently chosen this day to be as precise as clockwork, and hearing him arrive made her run away for a short moment, but she knew that she had to smooth things out, make sure she would not bring a scandal upon her family.

She turned to the main door to welcome him when she heard the key turn in its lock. “Kathleen, darling! How lovely to see you here! What a committee!”

Her smile was somewhat demure, forced, but overall not unlike the smile she usually gave him. She would have to put on a show and that’s what she tried to do. So, she bent forward and planted a kiss on his cheek.

“Hello, darling! How lovely that you came back so early! It’s been terribly dull without you,” she replied while wiping away the lipstick from his cheek.

“Aww, well, I am back now. London heat is absolutely ghastly. I am just glad I made it out of there. But the bill went through and now I am a free man - at least for the next few days. So expect me to annoy you and keep you from everything you want to do.”

Richard’s typical cheeky grin appeared on his face. She used to love that smile, especially at the beginning of their marriage. It had never failed to cheer her up and make her smile. Over the years that effect had worn off, knowing there wasn’t much behind that smile. Now she had to force herself to rejoice in his happiness.

“Well, I am glad. But for now, you must be exhausted. Why don’t you refresh yourself and we’ll have lunch afterwards? I managed to convince Miss Patty to change her daily menu and put your favourite dish on it instead. I will look where Aunt Mary is and you can catch us up on the latest London gossip. Afterwards, you can have a walk to your donkeys.”

She surprised herself by how convincing she sounded. It was almost as if she watched herself from afar. The other version now was happy and bubbly and so glad to see her husband back home. The version watching, however, was desperate, anxious to the point that she felt almost sick and just wanted the day and the mission to be over and done with.

Richard didn’t see or notice any of the turmoil his wife had found herself in. He was mainly happy about the success he had had in Parliament and that he was back in his humble abode, back with his relaxed lifestyle, back with his friends and back with his donkeys.

“That is a splendid idea!” he beamed at her, gave her another peck on the cheek and dashed upstairs.

Kathleen looked after him for a moment, before she looked at Henry and asked him to leave Richard’s luggage in the hallway and made her way outside to alert aunt Mary. The one good thing about her husband’s return was that this put a damper on her aunt’s questions and looks. It would look too suspicious, even for Richard. That was almost like a safety blanket. At least for the time being.

Lunch itself was more pleasant than Kathleen could have expected. Richard was perfectly exuberant and did most of the talking, retold his success in Parliament with a passion for detail, who had finally tied the knot and what else he had learned through some other MPs. It was almost refreshing and Kathleen did forget about her own trouble for a couple of minutes until it all came rushing back and she had to fight down the thoughts, feelings and the anxiety and tried to swallow it down with the last bit of her dessert.

“Well, this has been wonderful. I think I might have a walk down to the donkeys indeed and see what my little rascals are up to. I have so much time on my hands now, I barely know what to do with myself!” Richard laughed and got up. “I think there is still enough time for me to get on your nerves.” He winked at her and squeezed aunt Mary’s hand before making his way outside.

Kathleen smiled back at him, glad to have him in such a good mood. “Don’t be too late for dinner later, I have something rather special planned.”

Having just reached the threshold to the patio, he turned around to look at his wife pleasantly surprised. “Oh? All for me? Well, I certainly cannot wait! I won’t be too long, dear.” With that, he vanished outside, while Kathleen looked after him a little forlorn, now that he was out of sight again.

As she felt her aunt’s eyes on her once more, she shook herself out of her reverie and took a deep breath. “Alright, I might write the last batch of my invitations for the soiree and might lie down before I will get changed. Will you be alright, Mary?”

The only thing Mary could do was to nod. Once again, her niece had blocked any kind of possibility for a conversation. Kathleen’s eyes were unable to focus on her for too long, too afraid maybe, of what Mary could find there. The old lady, however, knew Kathleen better than anyone else. Even better than her mother ever did. Her whole life, Kathleen had come to her for advice, always sought her shoulder to cry on and now, she had closed off completely. Mary couldn’t help but see the trouble, the turmoil and the sorrow in her niece’s eyes and by now she had a very nagging suspicion what it might be, but she needed Kathleen to open up first. Maybe she would get a chance later. With that thought, she retreated back to her little book corner, without much focus on the written words on the pages.

Kathleen, meanwhile, began to prepare for the dinner. She went down to the kitchen to make sure that all the dishes would be to Richard’s liking and that champagne would be served throughout the meal to celebrate Richard’s success. She saw to each detail with the same level of care as she normally would have if they had been expecting important guests, partly because she wanted everything to be perfect and partly because it kept her busy throughout the afternoon and helped her channel her nervousness into something useful.

Finally, however, there was nothing else left for Kathleen to do but to go up to her room and dress for the dinner and the subsequent activities she had planned. She chose her dress and undergarments with care and then sat down in front of her vanity to work on her hair and makeup. She was in the middle of powdering her face when her ritual was interrupted by a quiet knock on the door.

Kathleen felt a sudden cold dread come over her as her first thought was that the visitor might be Richard. She was still half dressed and not even remotely prepared to receive him yet.

“Yes?” she piped up, her voice betraying her discomfort.

“It’s only me,” she heard her aunt’s voice and let out a breath. “May I come in?”

Kathleen cleared her throat. “Of course,” she replied.

She straightened her back and looked at herself in the mirror to make sure her face would betray nothing but she was still trying to school her expression into indifference when the door opened and her aunt stepped in. The older woman looked surprised by what she saw.

“Kathleen, dear, have you forgotten that we have no visitors coming tonight?” she asked as she walked up to her vanity.

Kathleen looked at her aunt through the mirror, frowning. “No, aunt, I have not.”

“But then why are you dressing up like this? I’m a staunch defender of tradition but I really do not think it’s necessary to take quite so much care with one’s appearance when we are only dining with family.”

Kathleen swallowed, putting down her powdering sponge. “You are quite right, of course,” she forced herself to say, heart beating faster as she feared her guilt would be written all over her face. “I just thought…” She couldn’t finish the sentence.

Her aunt stepped towards her and put her hand on her shoulder. Kathleen leaned into her arm, close to sobbing.

“There, there, child,” Aunt Mary said kindly. It seemed that things might be as bad as she had begun to fear. “I don’t want to pry now, but I think there is something you haven’t told me and perhaps it would ease your burden to share that with me.”

Aunt Mary sat down on Kathleen’s bed and motioned for her niece to do the same. Kathleen looked at her, undecided whether to follow suit or not. It would be a big step, after all, to open up to her aunt of all people, the one person she had dreaded knowing about this night. She would have to admit her mistake to the one person she never wanted to disappoint.

But then she was about to burst and needed some outlet and her aunt already seemed to have an inkling. It couldn’t be worse than it already was. Reluctantly, she got up and made to sit down next to her aunt, not daring to look her in the eye but keeping her focus on her lap. She might have a breakdown if she had to look at her directly.

Kathleen had no idea how to start. She still hesitated.

“I assume, your plan with getting Mr Petrukhin out of your mind by spending the night away in the cabin didn’t go as planned?”

As it so often was, her aunt took the first step and gave her a little push in the right direction. Still, Kathleen didn’t trust her own voice, so she gave a quick shake of her head before she finally attempted to use her words, which came out rather meagre and quiet: “No… no, it didn’t”

Aunt Mary looked at her for a moment, quite pensively. Talking about such issues had always been something you avoided if you could. But she never had had problems to call a spade a spade and be open about it, especially with Kathleen. Only Samuel Petrukhin would have this effect on her, but then she had been at the cabin. Slowly and very cautiously, she voiced her suspicion: “Was Mr Petrukhin at the cabin?”

A nod and then finally, Kathleen looked up at her aunt. There was so much sadness, despair and complete unrest. She saw the tears welling up in her niece’s eyes and that almost confirmed her assumption. Just how bad it really was, she only learned when it all broke out of Kathleen in a heart-wrenching sob: “Oh, Auntie, I have made a terrible mistake!”

It was worse than Mary had suspected, yet at the same time her heart went out for her niece. She knew that she would never have done something as thoughtless if there weren’t serious feelings involved. The fact that she seemed to have let him into her bed, showed a sign of desperation and depth of emotions she must not have accounted for, neither Mary nor Kathleen.

“And now you need to bed your husband.”

It wasn’t a question, but a statement. But a statement that had a visible effect on Kathleen, who almost flinched at her aunt’s rather bold wording, but eventually nodded all the same. Mary had taken her niece’s hand and was squeezing it in sympathy and understanding.

She had the feeling that she would not get much more out of the young woman at this point. Still, she seemed so miserable, broken almost. It had been quite a mistake indeed, but one that the older woman could sympathise with. Kathleen had always been led by her emotions and had had to learn how to keep them under control and not be the servant of them. But matters of the heart were still a completely different thing. Kathleen had married young and inexperienced with not much knowledge of true love. That she had been caught unaware by such feelings now was perhaps not surprising but the fact remained that she had endangered her and her family’s reputation, and the only thing left to do now was to control the damage.

“He’s only a man, Kathleen,” Aunt Mary said, at last, referring to Richard. With that, she padded her thigh understandingly and got up. “Just get it over and done with. Everything will be fine.”

Neither of the two knew if she actually believed the last words she had said.

An hour later it seemed as if nothing had ever been amiss. Kathleen, Aunt Mary and Richard were having dinner. Kathleen looked absolutely impeccable and nothing suggested she had been crying earlier.

After her aunt had left, she had decided to pull herself together, get it all over and done with. For a few minutes, her determination to move on, get all of those dark days behind her had prevailed and she had finished getting dressed. Even now at dinner, this drive spurred her on and made her performance of the happy, devoted and smitten wife very convincing.

Even aunt Mary had to admit that Kathleen was a born hostess, no matter who she was surrounded with. If she hadn’t seen her niece’s tears earlier, she would almost have believed she had only imagined seeing Kathleen so downtrodden. On the outside, Kathleen’s spirits seemed almost as high as Richard’s and she listened with admirable interest to her husband recount once again everything that had happened in the parliament during his latest visit. Toasts were raised and champagne flowed and more than once aunt Mary observed Kathleen’s hand landing on top of Richard’s during conversation. Their eyes would meet and then Kathleen would look away as if suddenly feeling demure. It felt almost as if watching a play unfold right in front of her eyes.

“Well,” aunt Mary spoke after the last course had been cleared away, fully aware that her presence could not possibly be required for the second act of the play. “I’m feeling rather done for tonight and I think I shall retire to my room to read if the two of you don’t mind.”

Kathleen felt a sudden panic rise in the pit of her stomach at her aunt’s words, knowing what it signalled for her, but she collected herself before any reaction could make its way to her face. “Of course, Mary,” she said, swallowing down the rest of the champagne in her glass even though it only added to her light-headedness. “I think…” She looked at Richard and forced herself to smile at him in a suggestive manner. “I think Richard and I shall also retire soon. Don’t you think so, darling?”

Richard looked a little surprised for a moment but then his smile suddenly widened and he nodded eagerly. “Yes, my love, of course,” he agreed, seemingly catching on to her meaning. He covered Kathleen’s hand on the table and Kathleen did her best to smile back at him after watching aunt Mary go.

As soon as aunt Mary had left, Richard seemed even more exuberant than before. Not even 15 minutes later, Kathleen found herself in her bedroom with her husband, his fumbling hands clumsily divesting her of her dress before removing his own clothing while Kathleen waited under the sheets.

The act itself bore absolutely no resemblance to her night with Samuel. With Samuel, everything had seemed so effortless, so intense. In fact, at some point, she had had the feeling of being well and truly one with him, where she didn’t know where he began and she stopped. But being bedded by Richard, her husband who should know her much better than anyone else was anything but sensitive and perceptive. It was all a rather clumsy and egotistical way towards his culmination.

Kathleen was very much aware that it had been a long while since she had allowed her husband into her bed and that made Richard overeager, like a boy in his teens who finally got the girl he wanted. And it was just as messy. She was neither mentally nor physically prepared. So, when he plunged into her so ruthlessly, a pain shot through her and she couldn’t stop herself from biting back a whimper, which her husband in his overzealousness mistook for a passionate outburst on her side and was only driven on by it, not noticing that he was quite alone in his passion.

His wife, however, bit her tongue, tried to think herself somewhere else and waited for it to be over. The further he got towards his own climax, the rougher, albeit still clumsy he became. There was nothing skilled about his movements as it had been with Samuel, nothing empathic or loving at all. She had gotten used to his thrusts but that didn’t make them any more comfortable. Quite on the contrary, she had to fight back her own tears. Not because of the pain per se, but because of the whole situation she found herself in, being forced to do this in case she was expecting Samuel’s child, for being forced to live with the thought that if she was pregnant, she could never share that happiness with the one man she would want to share it with and quite simply because she felt herself trapped in a cage.

When Richard finally gave a pitiful groan to signal his completion, she knew it was over. She could go back to her normal life of living as two people under the same roof who had absolutely nothing in common but their past.

Richard looked at her now, expectantly, making himself ready to sleep next to her. For a moment Kathleen could do nothing but let the throbbing between her legs subside before she turned her head around to her husband and caressed his cheek as if to tell him what a good job he had done.

“I have a headache dear. I think it might be best if I slept alone tonight. Besides, I don’t want you to catch something and prevent you from work.”

Her excuse had sounded perfectly logical and sensible. At least in her head. She dearly hoped her husband would buy the lie.

A little taken aback, he looked at her oddly for a second before his usual smile turned up. He patted her on the cheek like a pet who had done its deed and pulled his trousers back up to leave the bed.

“That’s quite alright, dear. You just have a rest.”

With that, he left the room and everything seemed even colder, emptier and forlorn than before. Covered by a blanket of darkness, she rolled herself into a ball and cried all the tears she had held back, all the tears that had threatened to blow her cover today and all the despair of her situation and her broken heart came out. No matter what she did that moment, she could not stop.

After a long while, she felt a lull, her tears had stopped, her skin felt like salty paper. She could not think anymore. In fact, she didn’t want to think. All she wanted to do was sleep, sleep until it all was over, and hopefully, wake up to a better present.

Her hope to wake up to a new, bright and careless day didn’t come any more true than her wish to have it all behind her now, to be able to close the chapter of Samuel and her mishap. The only thing she felt was soreness between her legs as she hadn’t been fully ready for Richard’s penetration. Despite this initial feeling of being let down, that nothing had changed at all, she somehow managed to fool herself into imagining everything was fine.

Her days were filled mostly with Richard, tending to him and having some of his closest friends over almost every day for the next two weeks. Voluntary or not, she was forced to have conversations with more people than she cared for. That in turn, however, kept her mind off everything she had so vehemently tried to run away from. In fact, Kathleen tried to keep herself as busy as if was possible for her, only to be able to fall into bed exhausted, without any thought of him.

To Kathleen’s great relief, this method almost worked for a couple of weeks. Still, the thoughts of Samuel and her heartbreak over him, the memories that tried to invade her mind in the most inappropriate moments, didn’t really become any easier. If anything, her heart became even heavier with the passing days.

As time passed, she really began to miss him. Not just on a physical level, to be close to him and to feel him, though her body tried to let her know at every given opportunity. No, she missed his company, having conversations with him and being able to be herself around him, even more than anything else. Her heartbreak came in gruelling waves, sometimes less heavy, sometimes heavier, to the point that she lost her appetite and sleep alike. Only her constant determination to keep herself busy remained a lifeline that kept her from slipping into that dark place again. It kept her breathless moments at bay, the moments she felt it as if someone had pushed a knife into her guts. Time didn’t numb that pain, it made her craving only greater.

When four weeks had passed since she had watched Samuel walk out of the little kitchen in the cabin, her longing to see him again had somewhat dulled, but she still didn’t feel at peace. Far from it. Peace had been replaced by a hollow emptiness.

By now, another feeling had crept up and taken over her thoughts and distracted her from her broken heart. It was a nagging suspicion, a dull feeling she was unable to get out of her mind. When her period, which usually was as precise as clockwork, failed to appear, she started to panic. Was it truly possible she was pregnant? Would life be that cruel?

Maybe, just maybe all the pressure she had put on herself, all the strain she had been under, could have easily delayed her period, surely. Whatever she did now, starting to panic was not be a solution. It could only blow her carefully crafted cover.

The only thing that would answer that question, was to see her doctor if her period would not come. In the meanwhile, all she could do was to keep up the pretence of the ever happy, charming and lovely Kathleen Shaw, who was perfect at making everyone feel important. Now even more than ever, did she feel exhausted. Pretending to be someone she was not, to feel and to act against her innermost instincts and feelings, put a strain on her. Yet, not even her aunt could know about her fears.

She had been ashamed enough to admit her infidelity to her. If she now happened to be with child, neither of them would know if it was his or Richard’s child. Before she was ready to face her, she would have to be ready herself. She was nowhere near that point.

When still nothing happened after yet another week, she decided to get an appointment with Doctor Philipps instead of worrying herself into a nervous breakdown. She had been vague enough on the phone, partly because she didn’t want any of her staff to hear about her concern and partly because she was simply unable to voice it out loud as if putting her suspicions into words would somehow make them more likely to materialise.

Doctor Philipps’ secretary gave her an appointment for the next day already. Someone had cancelled last minute. Kathleen felt almost steamrolled by the suddenness of it all. She stammered her thanks and hung up her phone, unable to process what had just happened.

Tomorrow, she would know. Not next week or at some later point that would give her an opportunity to get used to the idea of it and what she would feel like if it wasn’t the case. None of that would be possible. Tomorrow she would go to the doctor, get examined and find out if her suspicions were correct.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It has been an eternity and a half since we last updated. But we promised to finish this and so we will. Thank you so much for your patience. We hope you enjoy the next chapter! :)

“Good morning, Mrs Shaw. Please, take a seat.” 

Doctor Philipps shook Kathleen’s hand and indicated for her to sit down. He was an elderly man, with a kind face. Oftentimes Kathleen compared him to a wise old owl. His round horn-rimmed glasses didn’t leave much room for any other comparisons. Despite his advanced age, he really was a wise man who not only had the foresight not to banish all new innovations and advancements but had even learned to embrace them. His methods always seemed to balance perfectly between the old and the new. 

While some of his colleagues still sought the permission of a husband to proceed with certain examinations, William Philipps had always been amazingly forthright in his opinion that certain concerns were the woman’s only, and no man, whether he was her father or her husband, had a say in it. 

His advice and wisdom were exactly what Kathleen needed. She nodded her thanks and made a rather meagre attempt at a smile, which felt more like a grimace than anything else. All the muscles in her face seemed to have been paralyzed. 

On the outside, Kathleen managed to appear calm, or at least she gave it her best attempt and judging by his reaction to her, she thought she managed it rather well. She was sure there were patients with weaker nerves than her, and with much bigger issues. At least that was what she tried to tell herself to feel somewhat more normal and at ease. 

But what she felt inside, was anything but calm and normal. Her heart was nearly thumping out of her chest and she had to keep her hands folded in her lap to keep her from trembling. For a moment Kathleen felt the urge to get up, turn around and leave the room as swiftly as possible. But her body was glued to the chair opposite the old man. To crown it all, she hadn’t slept a wink and the idea of food had given her the instant urge to run to the nearest loo. Kathleen peaked a quick glance at the clock on the wall. The hands of it seemed to go even slower than usual, which was ridiculous, she was well aware of that. 

Doctor Philipps eyed her curiously, with no trace of impatience. “Would you like a cup of tea? I think Ms Hobbs just brewed some and I always feel a good cuppa helps with any kind of problem.”

Kathleen was grateful for any kind of diversion that would delay her having to confess her suspicion. With a quick, albeit slightly nervous nod, she accepted his offer. 

Not even five minutes later, she held a steaming cup of Earl Grey, almost mumbling her thanks to his secretary. 

“Now Mrs Shaw, what seems to be the matter?”

After a small sip, she carefully placed the cup on the desk in front of her and looked at her doctor, drawing in a deep breath. “I - erm- I think I might be with child, but I am not certain. It could be nothing, really, but from what I gather, there is a strong possibility.”  
It was out and her doctor still looked at her as sympathetically as he had done before. If he only knew what she had done, that if she really was pregnant, her child was most probably fathered out of wedlock, he would probably condemn her. Rightly so. But that was something she would have to deal with by herself. This wasn’t an issue the good doctor could help her with.

“Well, but that sounds like good news, doesn’t it? There is quite a conclusive way to find out. The only thing I need from you is a urine sample and some time and then we’ll see if you have a squaller in a few months' time that will keep you up at night.”

Kathleen gave another nod, feeling slightly uncomfortable and uncertain about how to respond to such a prospect. She kept her hands firmly clasped in her lap, her body having tensed at the news. 

“I suggest you take this cup. The loo is the second door on the right. You can just leave the sample there and Ms Hobbs will pick it up. I will talk you through some of the finer details afterward.” Doctor Philipps was accustomed to a little squeamishness and took matters in his own hands.

The sooner she would do it, the sooner it would be over and done with. So, Kathleen took the cup and did as she was told. Afterwards, Doctor Philipps explained more about the method than she was ready to take in. It felt outlandish to determine in such a way if a woman was expecting or not. But she trusted him and soon left the office with the promise of his call later that week. 

The next few days resembled Kathleen’s wait in Doctor Philipps office. Like the clock on his wall, time just didn’t seem to pass at all. No matter what she did or how she tried to occupy herself, it was almost as if time stood still. Every time the phone rang she almost jumped with fright, dreading her doctor to be on the line. 

On the third day, she had finally managed to find something to get her mind off things. The bureau she always used to write her letters and invitations on, needed some sorting out. Paper, old letters and newspaper clippings had accumulated over time. Under any other circumstances, she would find something better to do, something more worthwhile to occupy her time with, but it did look rather messy - at least in her eyes, it did. It was quite astounding what she had thought important to keep and tried to get some new order in things. Having just picked up a peculiar looking envelope, she heard the phone ring for the first time that day. 

She looked up startled, paper in hand when her maid entered the room. “Ma’am, Doctor Philipps is on the phone for you.” 

After a quick curtsy, the maid scurried back out of the room again. Kathleen tried her darndest not to let her nervousness show. Under any other circumstances, this would not be an issue. Years of shutting out her emotions, of focusing on her husband and all the garden parties, had been perfect training for it. Not to mention her childhood. All of that seemed momentarily forgotten when she made her way down to the phone. 

“Y- Yes, Mrs Shaw speaking.” A slight tremor in her voice now made her state apparent even to the person on the other side and she wanted to curse herself for it. Instead, she took a deep breath and sat down in precaution. 

“Hello Mrs Shaw!” came the friendly, yet slightly exuberant voice. “I finally have the results of the test we conducted and let me be the first one to congratulate you!”

For a moment, the world seemed to be frozen in time. Nothing moved, even the air was suspended and had taken on a heaviness that made it almost impossible to breathe. At that moment Kathleen felt absolutely nothing but the cold receiver in her hand. Distantly, she noticed a strange noise but couldn’t quite make out what it was. She didn’t think she had ever been so glad to have sat than she was at that very moment as it felt as if someone had pulled the ground from under her feet. 

The noise got louder and she snapped back into reality once she could discern her name. With a shocked intake of breath, she was back.

“Mrs Shaw! Are you still there?” a concerned male voice at the other end asked, worried about the lack of a response.

“Yes, I am sorry, yes I am. I thank you for treating this whole matter with such care.”

“That’s my job. For now, take care of yourself and your unborn child.”

The rest of the conversation was a blur. She hung up the phone and sat there for a moment longer, unsure if her feet would carry her. 

That was how Aunt Mary found her. “Kathleen, dear, can you tell me…” she had been prepared with an excuse to enter the room. Upon seeing her niece sit there, deflated and ashen-faced, there was no need for any pretence. 

“Was that the doctor?” 

Kathleen couldn’t speak. But there was no need to either, the look on her face told Aunt Mary everything she needed to know and she sat down on the couch next to her, took Kathleen’s hand and squeezed it gently.

“It will all be alright. Just find a good moment to tell Richard and sooner or later, this gloominess will be glossed over by the happiness of having a child.”

Not quite believing a single word her aunt said, Kathleen remained silent. She was too stunned. Of course, she knew there had been a possibility, but the thought of expecting a child, possibly of a night of wild abandon, and that thought becoming the crude reality, were still two entirely different things. At the moment, she did have trouble accepting this reality. 

Kathleen viewed Mary’s wrinkled hands in hers, there were years of experience lying in her still young hands, when a sudden thought struck her almost like a lightning, stopping her heart in mid-thump, letting it drop a few inches in her chest. 

“I have to tell him,” came out a more angst-ridden breath. 

“Mr. Petrukhin or Richard?” 

“Oh, don’t make it worse, Mary. I sound like a perfect wanton…” Kathleen trailed off as if another thought had crossed her mind. “... I have to tell Richard and then, knowing him, I suppose we will have an announcement party and I will have to invite Samuel, as well.”

Kathleen didn’t need to voice her inner turmoil. The old woman could read the internal battle of thoughts in Kathleen’s miserable face. The wise thing would be to cut Samuel Petrukhin out of her life, to make the baby Richard’s, no matter if it was true or not. Telling the other man, the one who was not her husband could only make things infinitely worse, could make the whole matter even messier than it already was. Knowing her emotional and honest niece, however, her idea of damage control was not quite the same as hers. She would probably see it her duty to tell the possible father of his child. It was beyond Mary what good it could do, to drag someone else down as well. 

She voiced none of her concerns to Kathleen, who had stood up by now and hovered around the table absent-mindedly, before she turned around once again, somewhat more composed. 

“I will tell Richard tonight…,” after another intake of breath, she continued, “after dinner… I can’t put it off any longer.” 

In this one instance, Kathleen’s mouth had been faster than her heart or her mind. Overcome with a bout of courage, the words had tumbled out of her mouth and now she had to deal with its ramifications.

“... and you want me out of the way when you tell him.”

It was not a question, but a statement, delivered so dry and factual, that all Kathleen could do was to give an apologetic, yet affirmative nod. This was something she would have to do by herself.

“I think I might lay down before I freshen myself up for dinner. Please, excuse me.” With that, Kathleen quickly exited the room.

She didn’t, in fact, rest. Solitude was the only thing she sought in these last few hours before the storm. She did not doubt that Richard would be happy with the news, but she didn’t know how she could bear his misplaced happiness. She hardly even knew how she felt herself. They had always wanted a child, but somehow it had never worked out, and at some point, she had given up hope of becoming a mother altogether. All the garden parties and soirees she hosted had been compensation for the loss she had felt for years, but none of it had ever filled her life as she had wished. 

Falling pregnant now was more than just a little shock. Part of her wanted to feel ashamed for the conception of the child. The guilt of the night still haunted her and she knew she might never live down that feeling. But another tiny voice became stronger and stronger now that she was on her own. She would have a child. It was perhaps conceived in a tryst of passion outside wedlock, yes, but it was possibly with a man she truly cared for. And she was going to be a mother. It was almost a miracle. Yet telling her husband, the man who might not even be the father, dimmed that tiny voice again. The mere idea felt as if she had swallowed led and was unable to bring herself to tell him. Appearing to be happy and relieved about the news would require a lot of courage, and right now she didn’t feel courageous. Quite on the contrary. She never wanted to come out of her room again, least of all to tell the man she had deceived. 

Somewhere along the way, with her thoughts fighting against each other, she must have dozed off into a light slumber just out of mere exhaustion. 

So, the hour of truth came around much faster than Kathleen was ready for. She talked very little and ate even less during the dinner, but since Richard appeared to be more than happy to do most of the talking, she was able to get away with her unusually silent demeanor without anything more than a few sympathetic looks from Aunt Mary. When it came time to leave the table, the older woman looked at Kathleen one more time and then quickly excused herself on account of having a headache, leaving the husband and the wife to retire into the sitting room by themselves.

Now that the moment was here, Kathleen found herself almost wishing that she had asked Aunt Mary to stay - for moral support if nothing else. As Richard made himself comfortable on one of the armchairs, she walked over to the drinks cabinet and, with trembling hands, began arranging the glasses and bottles to give herself something to do.

“Would you like a drink, darling?” she asked, her voice coming out strained and barely recognisable even to her own ears. This, finally, seemed to rouse even Richard’s curiosity. Kathleen, with her back, turned to the room, could hear him stand up and walk towards herself.

“Is everything alright, Kathleen?” he asked, his voice filled with genuine concern that only made her feel worse. “You have been so quiet all evening.”

“I didn’t think you had noticed,” she peeped, her voice growing smaller still. 

“Well, I...I suppose I didn’t,” Richard admitted. He was standing right by her side now. “Not until just now that I started thinking about it.”

Kathleen took a deep breath, blinking away the tears that she feared he would be able to see. It had to come out, and it had to come out now.

“Richard…” she began, turning to face him fully, deciding to simply go straight to the point: “I’ve...I went to see the doctor a while ago.”

“The doctor?” Richard interrupted before Kathleen could go on. She could feel his hands gripping her arms. “You are not ill, are you?”

Kathleen shook her head. “No, not ill, Richard, I…” She swallowed, her hand moving instinctively to rub her still flat stomach. She thought of the little one growing inside her and drew strength from the knowledge that however much she might regret her own conduct, she could never regret this child.

“Kathleen? What is it?” Richard was looking at her expectantly, his eyes following her hand.

“I’m...I’m pregnant,” Kathleen blurted out. “I…” She bit her tongue. “We are going to have a child.”

There. The words were out and she felt she could have sunk to the ground for the exertion it had cost her to speak them. Instead of being able to shrink away, however, she had to force herself to smile reassuringly as she watched Richard’s expression change from concern to shock, which was then eventually replaced by unbridled joy.

“Pregnant?” he breathed, dumbstruck.

“Yes,” Kathleen sighed weakly.

“We will have a child?” 

She nodded.

“A baby?” He repeated, still in disbelief.

Despite herself, Kathleen let out a little laugh. “Yes, a baby.” Then she immediately felt a pang of guilt again as she closed her eyes and pictured herself with the little bundle in her arms, not Richard but Samuel completing the image of the little family that could never be.

“Are you...are you not happy?” Richard’s voice brought Kathleen back to the present with a sudden jolt and she forced herself to smile, realising that something of the pain she had just felt must have shown on her face.

“I am, of course, I am,” she replied quickly, squeezing Richard’s hand. “I just...I’m still in shock.” That, at least, was not a lie. “We tried so long and I thought...I’m not exactly young anymore.”

Barely even listening, Richard took her face between his hands and kissed her squarely on the mouth before pulling her into a hug. “That doesn’t matter. You’re pregnant now and we will have the child we always wanted.”

He pulled away to look at her again and Kathleen was forced to put on another smile. But Richard’s mind already seemed to be running ahead, no longer focusing on her expression:

“A party!” he exclaimed. “We have to arrange a party at once to announce the happy news.”

And so it was done. Kathleen had been prepared for this exclamation and henceforth used the planning for the party as an attempt to get used to the thought of expecting a child. Only when it came to writing invitations, she halted. Under normal circumstances, she wouldn’t even have hesitated to invite the Petrukhins, especially because Richard had taken a liking to Samuel, in particular. Considering their past, and the very real and very probable possibility that Samuel was the actual father of the child, made her decision rather difficult. 

She let her fountain pen hover over the invitation, simply unable to bring herself to write his name. Kathleen sighed. It was simply ridiculous. At some point, she had to get a grip, had to prepare to meet him. At least, that's what she tried to tell herself as she positioned the pen on the paper once again and began to scribble his name at last. 

> _Dear Mr. and Mrs. Petrukhin,_
> 
> _we would like to invite you to our next…_

Kathleen halted, how could she word something so special with as much care as possible, to a family whose father might as well be the genitor. She forced not to think too much and copied the text from the previous invitations. Her fingers trembled slightly as she put down her pen at last and sighed once again, if, in relief or anxiety, she wasn’t sure. But it was done now and there was nothing she could do about it. 

At long last, she got up with the stack clutched in her hands, and made her way to her maid to have them posted. 

Oh, if there was only a way to get this over and done with as normally as humanly possible. The sheer idea of seeing him again after what had happened filled Kathleen with nervousness that settled in her stomach like led. It could all be such a happy occasion. After all this time, she would finally be able to be a mother. Yet all she could think about was how Samuel would react upon reading the cryptic invitation and how his reaction would be when he found out the reason for the party. That led her down another train of thought, what if he had changed his mind about that night and what he had said? What if he had realized that it had all been a terrible mistake and he was trying to make up for the grave mistake he had committed? What if that meant cutting ties with her and declining the invitation. 

Kathleen’s stomach churned at the thought. He simply had to come, she had to see him. She needed to see him. It was dangerous and she knew that she should not even entertain such ideas, but she craved for him just like a thirsty man in the desert craved for water. It could be possibly ruinous, but she had to see his beautiful face, had to hear his soothing voice, see the care in his eyes and feel his fingers touch hers, even if was just for a handshake. 

But there was no way to find out but to simply wait for the RSVPs. Those were certainly not going to be easy weeks ahead. 


End file.
